Haven't posted for a while 'cause just not a lot to post. I've also been busy with my own stuff, but I'm doing really well. People keep asking me, and I'm like "really, I am happy" despite the big bump in the road I feel ok now.
H and haven't seen each other as much like we were. He is most certainly back with her and I've backed off and I'm letting him iniate lunches etc.-which he is. Still tells me he loves me and kisses me on the lips when ever we say good bye-that only started about a month ago. We certainly are not where we were 2 months ago, but I don't really think we're close to reconcilation either.
He's still working on himself a lot-going to counseling once a week. We have a session together this week also. It's so wierd, I don't know what to think about the fact we're like best friends, yet he's having an affair and I'm dating. It's really weird, nothing to compare it do.
I'm not really anxious about any of it anymore. If he wants to make this work ever again it's going to take a lot on his part, I'm not giving a lot anymore. I thought I was detached before, but this is true detachment finally. Still love and care about him, but not giving more than he is anymore.
Normalcy is very relative I'm discovering.
So continuing to troupe right along and enjoy life, db for myself and us, and be ok .
Ok, here's the update, What do you guys think my next step should be?
I went to a joint c session last week with H. Counsler outright asked me, do you want a divorce. I said no. She asked do you want to reconcile. I said that's pretty impossilbe with H still with OW right now. She asked the same questions to H. He too said he wasn't ready to reconcile but didn't want a divorce. He looked straight at me and said I was his very best friend and when he tells me he loves me it's sincere.
He is living in this fantasy that we're going to take this hyatus and then come back together again once this is out of his system. Basically the C reminded us that we're not mormon and we can't do this stage forever. But she also said our situation was very unique and we seem to be handling it well and continue to grow on our own.
I have pretty much backed way off H and I'm letting him do all the initiaing. I really do not think I can just be his best friend and not continuously want more. I will never have any respect for the Ow and if I go on with life and meet someone, not many men are going to be comfortable with me having that tight of an emotional bond with my seperated H and they shouldn't!
OW keeps telling H that she has no problem with us always being best friends and no problem with him not wanting to divorce me. Big time insecurity problem with her in my opinion, that's just bull she's feeding him to keep him.
I don't really feel at this point that I should have to wait for it to be convenient for him. How can I ever trust him again if he doesn't choose to put me first in this? I don't want to be what he was left with when OW dissolved.
Any advice how I can get him off the fence? He's hoping everything will work out like a fairytale and I'm looking at the situation very level headedly and just shaking my head.
Ugh!
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 06-25-2001).]
Sat, Being his W and best friend don't go hand in hand with him flaunting an affair in your face. It's basic disrespect.
I suggest that you consider beginning to move on with your life without H. Start disconnecting those lifelines one at a time and see if he makes any effort to restore them. If not, you have H's answer to what he wants.
When you really get to this point, where you can't go on like this, tell him calmly and lovingly that you simply exhausted all your resources, that you are not fit for the role of a friend in such a setting, that you now move on.
But after reading your long thread wwith your whole story, I suggest that youdon't do it: keep the changes, enjoy what you achieved so far. You did a tremendous job, and you did it very well!
Remember that all small and bigger changes have to accumulate before a breakthrough happens.
[This message has been edited by ILM (edited 06-27-2001).]
Hey guys, thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I am getting to the point where I've exhausted a lot of my resources and I feel like maybe I should be ending this. But then I really think about how I feel and I really don't want a divorce yet, not in any way. It's just that it's always hard to struggle with how irrational and immature he acts and how freaking rational and levelheaded I have become.
That wears on me.
I think the upcoming holiday is subconsciously affecting me also. The 4th was the last holiday we spent together before everything hit the fan, we moved into the new house last July, his affair came out, he was gone by the end of October. And I think it's just kneeding on me that this year is almost full circle. After the 4th the only holidays left that we haven't spent apart are by birthday and our anniversary in September-and those are gonna be doozies.
And isn't it strange that this is bothering me? I got through xmas for crimany's sake. I think the 4th signafies a milestone in the back of my head and now I feel like I need to do something different.
He's coming over to the house this weekend and then I'll be gone for a good part of two weeks (vacation and work)-which is good I think. I am going to tell him very bluntly how I feel on some things. He doesn't have a lot of answers for me on his feelings-I can see that, but we're past the no OR talks. I'm not afraid to backslide or get anxious. Though I do have to be sort of careful because he told me that he still feels anxious talking about anything outside of counseling. I think he feels safe there.
Wow, how the tables have turned, how I've matured and grown in this past year. And I wonder how did he become so uncertain and messed up? He was such a confident and responsible person for so long, I think it scares him too.
I think that's why he can't let go either. I'm sure it's hard to completly give up someone who is as strong and together as I've become. Hope that doesn't sound arragant, I'd be the first to say I'm still learning about myself everyday, but I have come a long way.
Just a quick update. H came over last night and had dinner/movie. We had a great time. I had told him before that I wanted to touch base again in light of our recent joint session, nothing heavy.
So we talked for about an hour before he headed home. We were both very honest with each other in our feelings, which feels so good even when you don't hear exactly what you want. Truth goes a real long way.
He still has a lot of inner growth issues to work on, but for the first time I'm hearing him say sane things. He mentioned last night that he now realizes that we didn't have a bad marriage for the whole 6 years, and that it wasn't all my fault. He also said he's begun to remember that he really did love me and still does and that we had really good times. He seemed confused about why he had forgotten all of that, but I know that's the norm for aliens.
He is activly looking for another job and feels that's the first step he has to take in order to take a step away from the OW if he chooses to do that. He admitted to me that he just couldn't even begin to stay away from her and work on us when he sees her every single day. I worried about that from the first time he said he wanted to try again.
I guess more than anything, even if we don't make it back together, I'm just relieved to see that he is actually starting to view things as a sane person, even saying he was trying to figure out if OW was a rebound relationship from our problems (hello Mcfly?). And for the first time, I feel that he is really listening to what I say, for the past 6 months it's been like talking to a brick wall that can't absorb anything.
I didn't ask him a lot of questions, I mainly told him how I felt. Which seems to bring out more talk in him then pinning him to a specific question. I did tell him that I did not know how to be his best friend and not be his wife at this moment in my life. I don't think I can be that close and yet that far. He understood that I believe and didn't feel like he was being pressured into running with that statement.
It's funny how similar our situations are but the way it unfolds in a different order... I hesitate to give advice, but I think what your H is realizing is all very good, and I hope you see some more movement like this!
I know it's hard not to say "DUH!" when he says something you've known all along... but as you said it IS so much better to relate truthfully even if it isn't what you want to hear.
Keep up the great work, girl and I wish you strength!
Hello all. Just my usual update. All is much the same. Just got back from a 3 day business trip from IN and MI-good to get away for awhile. As part of my new plan to back off and see if H picks up the ball, I didn't ask him to take me to or from the airport like last time. He didn't offer either. My new guy friend did instead, which was nice of him.
H did check the house for mail and feed the cat while I was gone. He owns 1/2 so I figure he can check and make sure the thing doesn't burn down. When I came back, low and behold, I have an 8 part scavenger hunt complete with little poems etc to find a "cube warming" gift for my new office-what the heck? I knew he'd know my friend would be there too.
Interesting that he left those little scavenger clues all over the house for me and guy friend to find. Guy friend was a little uncomfortable I think, but he knows the ENTIRE story. Knows I'm not quite done with h. Kind of like H wanted to make sure he had a presence in the house when we returned home maybe?
Today we had a joint session. H is still on this thing that we'll be best friends and he can just be with OW. Keep telling him that isn't going to happen. C also tells him that's very unlikely. Oh well, he's slowly figuring some things out and in the mean time I'm having a great time at life basically.
Ugh, having a tough time this week so figure it's time to post and let it out. I should probably move outta this department but we don't have a "been here a hell of a long time" catagory yet, so I'll stay put for now.
This week has been a hard one, and I havn't had that for awhile, I've been having a blast this summer. I've been getting weepy over stuff and feeling pressured, out of energy, like everyone wants me to make a choice. H and I continue to be best friends, seems neither of us wants a divorce but he can't bring himself to reconcile and leave OW either. In the meantime, I'm seeing someone finally and although I'm really confident and level headed about "me" now and my desicions in life it does complicate things.
I'm in a wedding in August and I decided to ask the guy as my date so I didn't have to hang out alone. That has brought on questions from my parents and friends, "ok, here's the new guy so when are you going to file" "Why are you still waiting" etc. We are becoming pretty serious and H knows about him. But I have no intention of even thinking about marrying him-it's like people think that's just the next logical step in my life and I haven't even gotten divorced yet! I had the thought the other day that I now love two people, which my mom replied wasn't possible. Funny, H asked me if that was possible when he moved out.
My C says I'm doing great, have grown in leaps and bounds, but I still have some down days. My choice is still to be with my H even though my life is going great without him. Still love him. And I'm pretty sure he loves me.
I'm detached but it's still wierd 'cause we email each other every day, still have lunch together once a week, still buy each other gifts. Plus there's four people now involved in the 10%/90? see-saw game. It could be a clinical study how the actions of one changes the dynamics of several relationships. C doesn't think I'm doing anything in poor judgement, she basically said I'm doing the best with the hand I've been given and that she thinks we have a very odd and unique thing going on here.
Oh well, I'm hosting a bachlorette party this weekend so I'm sure I'll perk up.
.
