Hey guys, thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I am getting to the point where I've exhausted a lot of my resources and I feel like maybe I should be ending this. But then I really think about how I feel and I really don't want a divorce yet, not in any way. It's just that it's always hard to struggle with how irrational and immature he acts and how freaking rational and levelheaded I have become.
That wears on me.
I think the upcoming holiday is subconsciously affecting me also. The 4th was the last holiday we spent together before everything hit the fan, we moved into the new house last July, his affair came out, he was gone by the end of October. And I think it's just kneeding on me that this year is almost full circle. After the 4th the only holidays left that we haven't spent apart are by birthday and our anniversary in September-and those are gonna be doozies.
And isn't it strange that this is bothering me? I got through xmas for crimany's sake. I think the 4th signafies a milestone in the back of my head and now I feel like I need to do something different.
He's coming over to the house this weekend and then I'll be gone for a good part of two weeks (vacation and work)-which is good I think. I am going to tell him very bluntly how I feel on some things. He doesn't have a lot of answers for me on his feelings-I can see that, but we're past the no OR talks. I'm not afraid to backslide or get anxious. Though I do have to be sort of careful because he told me that he still feels anxious talking about anything outside of counseling. I think he feels safe there.
Wow, how the tables have turned, how I've matured and grown in this past year. And I wonder how did he become so uncertain and messed up? He was such a confident and responsible person for so long, I think it scares him too.
I think that's why he can't let go either. I'm sure it's hard to completly give up someone who is as strong and together as I've become. Hope that doesn't sound arragant, I'd be the first to say I'm still learning about myself everyday, but I have come a long way.
