Thanks again Kent. I'm not obsessing about it, just don't want to completly freak out if it ever comes up.
I was reading DB book again last night and making a mental note of all the good little things H has been doing. As book said, if you've got specific big goals, its easy to overlook all the good little things along the way. At our next joint C session, if C asks me what I want to discuss, I'm going to first say I'd like to tell H what he's been doing that I really appreciate.
It's easy to start talking about what's still wrong, so I at least want to start the session on a good note.
I think I'm just wondering about him changing his mind because he's been out of town for a few days and I haven't seen him. He also told me that when he got back yesterday that OW was then going to leave town for a couple of days. Just wondering if he's trying to see who he misses more-his reasoning is whacked. Not obsessing about it, in fact I went out last night and had a great time, just wondering how he's processing things.
I'll hang loose and let whatever happens, happen .
I think it's OK to think of possible future events, like your H deciding to go back to OW, however, don't get caught in the 'What If' mode and second guess him. I had a bad habit of doing that, so now whenever I see my H looking sad, or uneasy, or get "the look" I occupy my mind with anything to NOT second guess that he's thinking about her and wondering if he was feeling that he made a mistake coming back to me.
For me, if it ever were to happen, I would not know what to do, I do not hold myself to expectations like that anymore-no ultimatums of that nature anymore, (at least not yet). I always said I'd leave him if he cheated...he did...and here I am, so what would I do? NO CLUE...but like you said, I'd probably tell him I was sorry he felt that way.
I have thought it through as logically as I can to be prepared IF it ever comes. But I have long since stuffed those thoughts-they were not helping me heal myself and our marriage. I still struggle with acting 'as if'.
You are smart enough NOT to dwell on this, as it is a waste of time. Listen to yourself, and focus on the good things.
Ok, just venting here. This is a hard week and I know it's because I have pms and I've discovered I always have a backslide in my emotions the week before-too many hormones raging I guess .
So next week I will probably be totally cool again, until then have to keep it together for this week.
I do realize that I'm in real danger of becoming resentful or giving up at this stage. I'm giving a lot and H is taking a lot. I feel like he's pushing me beyond what he knows anyone should be expected to take and then if I break he can point the finger at me and not have to take any responsibility once again. Very hard position for me to be in.
I am very strong and patient, and I am understanding, but I am still human. It just feels like he's looking for even the tiniest mistake in me to give him a reason to change his mind and then he can point the blame at me. I have changed, we both know that, but so far I haven't really gotten a chance to show him some of the core changes that he needs to see-I have to be patient and let him see those when he's ready.
However, my "Giver" is getting exhausted and the well is tapping dry. I know that's a huge sign to detach and I am trying, but he's coming at me with full barrels sometimes and just seems to be watching for the littlist sign of failure on my part.
And I sit here and I can rationalize every move he is making and why he's doing it and why I'm feeling the way I do-I've read enough books to understand him and me. But its still hard.
I'm not afraid that I can't db my but off, I'm not afraid that I'm not strong enough or not patient enough. I'm afraid that I'll just get fed up with all of it and concede to it all. Just become apathetic and tired of being taken for granted etc. Sounds familiar huh? I'm having WAW symptoms of my own now.
Ok, that's my vent, I'll hold it together, but the WAW fear is in my mind. I know how easy it is to let happen. Thanks for reading my rant, I feel better already. I'm gonna go out this weekend and have a great time, let H contact me on his own. I need time for me, space for me now.
I have been wondering / feeling similar things, and I think is just yet another stage of this to get through, which could actually mean "progress" ultimately. (Though that sounds funny) It is truly scary when we have to acknowledge that even though we are doing all we can to save our marriages, we also have a breaking point, too.
I am nervous about giving any advice, but I hope you do whatever is necessary this weekend to avoid, postpone, fight off, and extend that breaking point- not for H's sake, but for yours! The resentment is different, though, and has to be dealt with somehow. Vent vent vent! (here, I mean).
Does H really jump on you for backsliding? Or are you putting the pressure on yourself?If it is him- it sounds like you have his undivided attention
Hello, haven't written for a while so thought I'd check in.
Not much progress with H, but no backwards either. I'm pretty sure H is still seeing OW on the sly and struggling with a lot of issues there, but also seems to want to spend time with me. I'm eerily calm about this, I think when I discoverd last week that he was probably still seeing her a part of me detached big time. It just doesn't hurt like it did anymore. Maybe that's a dangerous point I've reached or maybe that's a new stage of growth for me. Either way I've been pretty calm about everything and backed way off of him.
He asked if he could use the joint session we were to have today for himself, I had no prob with that, we have a joint one on Tuesday anyway. A part of me wonders if he's feeling it's not going to work and is going to call it quits. But there again, that doesn't really scare me anymore. I know complely that I've done great dbing and changed and really done about everything I could do. He's just not ready or willing to put back in the effort. And there's not a lot of progress we can make until he's willing to completly give her up. He's not anywhere near that I don't think.
And I'm getting weary of the limbo land. I'd like to have some closure one way or the other. If he does ask for a divorce I'm not saying it won't hurt me, but it doesn't throw me into panic like it used to. And maybe he won't anyway, maybe he's just going back and forth. He's reading self help books like crazy looking for answeres and he's getting some good feedback from counseling.
Not sure of this new stage I've entered. I'm just calm and at peace that I've done everything I can (and I'm still dbing) and basically things have to happen from his end and if they don't I guess he'll have to wonder if he did everything he could someday.
H and I went to a wedding together last Saturday night, had a great time together. Sat there like a married couple that had no problems btwn us, very weird. Still no intamacy or improved physical closeness between us other than hugs and short kisses.
H continues to go to counseling on his own, once a week now. Seems to be helping him, not sure if he's going to make some sort of decision at end of month or not. Not going to worry about it. I see H 2 or 3 times a week to go on mini dates as I would call them. We are definatly at a different level than we were 1 month ago, there's not really as big of a distance or anxious feeling between us. We've broken through that and now we just seem to really enjoy hanging out together, just not sure if we'll get past that point. I know he's still seeing OW, and for now, for some odd reason, it just doesn't really upset me. I'm letting him figure out his stuff and I'm enjoying life, dating a little on my own. Just sort of sitting back and taking care of myself and seeing where this all leads.
Hard to believe I've been on this board since November, and even harder to believe the changes that have occurred within me. I'm a totally different person and I'm pretty much happy with my life, even though it's got weird stuff going on, it's still ok.
later heidi
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 06-06-2001).]
just wanted to tell you that your story is kind of an inspiration to me, I have only been seperated three weeks with the wife in full blown MLC for 5 months. I decided after three weeks of total avoidance (one 180 she didn't expect) to calling her up on sat.(another 180 she didn't expect) and letting her talk. I did tell her i'd done alot of work on me and that when she was ready to talk I would listen.(another 180, since I think she was expecting me to blast her like I was before the speration) She didn't seem interested in an OR but didn't run either, we just caught up on the news for 1 1/2 hours. She has an OM, but I am trying to do the "as if" on that....like you are. I am curious about your story, couldn't find your thread from Nov. My wife is VERY confused right now..... which is natural.... but she did make a comment last night about "when we get back together blah blah blah..." I realize I can't believe a word she says right now.... and I am trying to emulate your attitude while she vacillates between us. I am trying to be her friend while she is finding out what independant living is all about. I am hearing more negatives from her all the time about little stuff like doing the laundry and her apt is a mess and she is too tired to get it cleaned and I am not rescuing her from it all.( another 180 since I was over- responsible for all that in our marriage, now she is learning what she is missing). Anyway, keep up the good work.... I will be lurking and learning.
Thanks, I'm glad my story is helping you. Sounds like you're doing a good job at dbing. It's so hard in the beginning, well who are we kidding, it's never easy at any stage but it does eventually come more naturally I think, without the constant thinking about it.
If you do a search under newcomers I have one main thread under my Saturnh username that I think could really help you. It is titled "TomM,Gbon, Cliff need advice on WAH in limbo" it has excellent advice from some of the best on the board. You'll see how I struggled with so many things that you will struggle with also. And it has great advice on learning to be friends and taking care of myself. Check it out and I'll make sure to watch for your threads also.
I'm still sitting here in limbo, but it's not a limbo I really worry about much, and H and I have so much more of a closer relationship that whatever happens I know we'll always be in each other's lives, and we don't even have children.
Also, if you don't have your own thread yet, start one in newcomers so you'll have somewhere to vent when things get tough. Post your story and explain what you're currenlty doing-you'll get a lot of feedback in that forum and I'll check for you there too. Have you read Divorce Busting? If not, you know the drill, get the book immediatly, and until you've read it, hold back from doing any major moves. What seems natural isn't often the right thing needed in these situations.
Keep me posted . Heidi
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 06-07-2001).]
.