Hello all, my first post here and I need all of your help.
H and I spent about every other day last week together and had a good time. He is working on himself a lot through C so we are not the main concern right now, one thing at a time.
Last night we had a discussion and today I need your honest opinions. One thing H is really struggling with is that he feels no sexual desire or constant affection for me. He says he feels I'm beaufiful, he loves and cares about me, but there is no desire. He's shut it off for so long that he really fears it won't return and I'm scared of this also. When we kiss there isn't a deep passion or desire for each other yet. H said he had no problem with this with OW.
Have we both shut it off for so long that it can't be turned back on? Or is this normal and if it is what can we do about it, what is the natural progression of these feelings.
H is basing everything on this. H won't think about moving back in yet until he has these feelings. And I worry since he's still getting over OW (only broke up with her 2 weeks ago) and he sees her daily because of work that this can't happen. Can it?
Last night I felt the first real sink in my hope, that maybe we are dealing with a problem that can't be overcome. We love each other and are best friends, but we have to be lovers too. I really don't know. I reach out to him and he says he doesn't mind that, he just doesn't feel the desire to do it on his own yet.
Did all of you go through this, or do I need to face some facts?
Heidi, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Have you read the book, After the Affair? It is really helpful in trying to sort out how and why you feel the way you do, and how and why he feels the way he does. You have established the best criteria for getting your marriage back on track: you have proven that you are his friend, and that you love him. Marriage is about being friends and lovers. You've done the first. As for the second, it can come back, but I do think you can help it along by really letting him pursue you. Give him some time and space though, because he is getting over ow. I never thought my h would feel this way toward me again, but he is. It came and went in waves, and it had a lot to do with how he felt about himself, about ow, about me and my reactions. If you want email me at alexnewman@idirect.com. I think you really need to pull back -- not being antagonistic at all, just pull back. Don't be so available.
Sexual desire and affection are very different things. Affection is something we have direct control over. Lust on the other hand is controlled by numerous factors such as length of time in relationship, stress, kids, physical well being, psycological well being etc....
I used to be after my W approx 4 times per week. Now, after all this R crap It's waaay down. Not sure why and I'm not to worried about it anymore. I've read lotsa books. Some of the info I gleaned from them indicate that sexual desire is like the tide with ebb and flo.
H's focus on this is a sign of imaturity. His comment that it was not a problem with OW deserved a kick to the nuts. Bottom line is what has he done to try to turn it around? What effort has he made.
If you can't see the effort, it won't work. It will take an effort on his part just to relieve your stress and worry. If he can do that, you will start to lighten-up and respond and the circle of lust can begin.
Take heart that this is not a quick process. Focus on small improvements. Personally, as long as H is giving dumb responses, I would not waste my time pumping him for information.
Also remember that most of us men are pigs. We use sex as a tool to achieve intimacy. Cut off the sex and we respond negatively.
Thanks Alex and Kent. I too agree that H is not ready and is too immature. He's not ready to completly work on marriage and give up OW cold turkey. I have to back off and let him miss me again and let him figure out exactly what he's going to be losing. H is going to counseling quite a bit and he's stoarting to change but has a long way to go and I don't want him back until he's a whole, mature guy-otherwise we'll be right back where we started.
I'll just completly lay off asking if he wants to hang out etc-I'll let him to it. H actually said that OW and thier mutual friend had suggested the three of them go for lunch and he thought that would be safe, I was like "are you f**king kidding" I did't use that strong of language, I basically just stared at him and realized he's not anywhere ready to reconcile yet. God, he's so far behind me!
H did say that he's just looking for anyone to tell him that these things he is feeling are normal and quelch some of the doubts he keeps feeling. Somthing to let him know that we can make it through this part. He's scared and confused still-I know how he feels but at least I'm more mature. Please stay in touch, I need you all now. Thanks.
Hang in there girl, remember where you were a year ago-6 months ago...it'll come, but he needs to 'mature' as you say. The lunch thing was a real bonehead thing to say-and believe that it'll be OK?? That's nuts.
But, then again, you cannot hold his hand and you will have to "trust" him again. I put that in quotes because it is a very relative term...in terms of how we apply it. As you know-that will take a long time and frankly HE needs to do pretty much all the work there-your work there is an internal one, know what I mean? I trust H to go to and from work every day and I know he will not be unfaithful. However, if we were faced with another long separation... I'd say (to quote you so eloquently) "are you f**king kidding" because that would be a whole'nother story.
Keep going towards what you want girlfriend..and remember that we'all ARE here. I remember thinking that while reading a post of yours in Newcomers (a while ago) that you must have the patience of Job....believe that you do.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm just taking it slow and back to really concentrating on keeping myself happy. I just need to back off again and let him figure himself out and what he wants in life.
I think H is coming over tonight or tomorrow for video games and grilling. I'm making plans for whichever night H isn't over so I asked him to see if he could let me know one way or the other and that I wanted to give him the chance to choose a night first. I've noticed that when I ask H something before i do it he seems to really like that and appreciate it. That is not a normal reaction for me, I usually made plans for us then told him about it.
So maybe that's a 180 I've stumbled onto. It's not an attempt to let him call all the shots, I guess it's just consideration and maybe that's been lacking. Seems that if I give in that area, he'll turn around and make a real effort to narrow down his plans for me. In the past he would never make any plans and everything was always up in the air-leading me to make all the plans and give up on asking his opinion 'cause it seems like he never would give me an answer.
But he's been doing pretty well at calling me when he says he will and if he's going to be a little late-somthing that used to infuriate me because he'd never call and I'd just be left waiting. So maybe we're slowly making some progress in the area of consideration for each other-a start.
Me again. In the past few days, I've realized that I've been placing some pretty high expectations on H without realizing it and he's not in a place where he can handle any of that right now. I'm not coddeling him or letting him off any hook, I just realized he needs to know I can take care of myself and I'm not waiting around for him to make my life whole again. I didn't want to get into a big OR talk about it but I didn't want to wait to say it any longer either so wrote him an email (our best method of communicating) saying I had no expectations right now for him to come back and make promises and guarantee things for us or me.
I said I understand he's in a difficult place right now and that's he's probably trying to not let down anyone and unfortunaly in the position he's in that's hard to do.
Told him he didn't need to respond since I knew he was busy he could just absorb. I wrote it in a way that showed him I wasn't telling him how he felt but was more trying to understand how he might feel.
He wrote back and said he appreciated me being open about everything with him. Didn't elaborate, but I didn't need him to either.
At first I was afraid I was letting him off the hook. But then I realized that I don't want him back because of pressure or guilt, if he's not ready to deal with us then I don't want him back period. I think it helped me detach a little again and just sit back now and just enjoy the times we are together and not have this agenda in my head that I realize I quickly developed once he said he wanted to work on us. I have no expectations because I can't really afford to at this point.
Question for all of you. Just so I'm prepared, it's pretty obvious H is not fully ready to come back. If he would say he wants to go back to OW, how do I respond?
Is it with "I'm sorry you've decided to do that, I would have liked to work on our marriage" and then go completly dark? Is that about the only thing left you can do after the waffle.
Or is that the time to be more drastic, actually I realize many WA's choose to be drastic on their own then and they file.
I know several of you have gone back and forth before WA's decided they were home for real. How did you not decide, "enough is enough" and give up on them? Like I said, I'm just facing reality and being prepared.
THanks.
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 05-17-2001).]
Nothing wrong with your response. You need to be the one to decide when enough is enough. When you feel low, it is not time to react. It is time for a break.
For me, a couple of hours alone is all I need to get my mind back on track.
If H runs back to OW you can't act like it is OK. I would do what you suggested and maybe more. Depends on how ugly I felt like getting.
Don't spend much time worrying about this. Instead, sort thru what has been working and what has not. Do more of what has worked and try to think of some new stuff. Cut the "what has not worked" out of your reportoir.
