Quote: .. that it was a distraction for him from our mess...which is what explains the 'addictive' type of behavior or spouses do when in the A (constantly calling, checking emails, etc) more so than when they were with us. When they fell in love with us, life was balanced and happy and whole, so no need to go overboard with reaching out....but in the A, it's a product of feeling miserable in part of your life and shutting that out, so you're reaching out overly so, to distract yourself, do dull the pain/ugliness of life.
I really need to hear things like this, I'm just getting over disecting everything I now of my H's EA with OW, it drove me crazy to think of all the details I found out, made myself sick thinking of them. And indeed, as I put 2 and 2 together, when he was w/her I remember him being totally miserable with himself and totally lost, didnt' know what to do with himself. When confronted w/ a letter I found he told me he still can't believe he let it happen and that he can't believe he let himself go that way.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yuck. This month will forever go down in my book as the grossest-feeling month of the year. This is the month OW is due, and I guess I'm not as "over it" as I've felt in past months. I get the heeby-jeebies just thinking about it.
Things are absolutely fantastic with H and me, but I feel like a lot of that is at my expense. Every day this month, the anticipation of OW having her baby has caused me to reflect back upon those horrible winter months. H and I wached a movie last night about a cheating H -- neither of us knew that's what the movie was about -- and it just added insult to injury.
Ya know, OW's pregnancy is simply a product of what I'm really grappling with: My H's infidelity.
Recently, I had to throw out a bottle of the KY massage oil that my H had bought while he was away. I got so sick on my stomach every time I walked into our closet and saw it there, half empty. I think it was a little insensitive of him not to throw it out when he came back home ... as if he were going to use it on me. Puhleeze. I just threw it away without comment. I'm sure he has noticed it's gone, but he hasn't said anything.
When H and I were watching that movie last night, things started getting hot-n-heavy between the H and his mistress -- who were boozing it up in a bar -- and H said: "Oh, man, it's all downhill from here. It seems great in the beginning, but ..."
My chin wanted to hit the floor. Great? It seems freakin' great? Do you have any flippin' idea how it felt for me?? I was freakin' pregnant while you were getting boozed up and laid by another flippin' broad??!!! And it was great????
Ugh!!!
*Of course* it felt great to him, though. And that's what eats me alive to this day. It still seems so unfair, and the feelings are still so raw any time something like this happens. It's like I'm sucked back through some sort of time warp or something, and the wounds are violently reopened.
Of course, I didn't let on to my H. I dunno. Maybe I should have said something to him, politely, once the movie was over. I'm still grappling with this new style of communication. It's not in my nature to keep my mouth shut when something's bothering me, but in a relationship, nature sometimes gets us in trouble. We have to learn to get along with someone else's nature.
But that's another thing that bothers me. Why would my H be so thoughtless as to say such a thing in front of me? I guess his actual point was to say, "Hey, man, it's not worth it," which I should take as a compliment. But to hear, "It's all great in the beginning," doesn't make me feel too good -- even though I know it's the truth.
I hear that time will heal these wounds. It's been six months, which probably isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. I just have a faint feeling that the wounds will never completely heal. And I wonder how that will impact our R in the future ... and if it will be up to me to let it roll off my back while H continues to say insensitive things that hurt me, even though I know he doesn't realize what he's saying. And I'm probably being way overly sensitive.
It just seems really unfair that I'm keeping a leash on my tongue, but he feels comfortable saying whatever he feels like saying without any fear of repercussion. And I have to think: if it's bothering me this much now, how is it going to make me feel months from now?
My only hope is that these wounds will do a little more healing by then.
sorry honey, but overdue or not she is out of the pict., try to make it a point to cut donw on the time you spend pondering it, it would sicken me too though, hugs)))
My H is the king of insencitiveness, hurt me so much this past weekend, then he says things that he actually think are the truth/funny to him, it's like they don't run it through their minds again to check what they say. You dont' have to explode but could point out gently that you are not soo keen on his remarks, he might not really realize how awful it was for you. I also have to bite my tongue and not bite back but gently bring up something that bothers me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Okay, okay, okay. I take it all back. Blame it on the hormones. Yeah, they're still hanging around.
This afternoon, my sweet baby boy had his first round of shots -- two in each leg ... ouch! His daddy got home from work, picked him up and carried him around as he cried for about an hour. After that, hubby cleaned the kitchen and the livingroom while I put the baby to bed (which took much longer than usual since his little legs hurt so badly.)
Then I just watched my son sleeping for a while, and I realized how very blessed I am. Sure, there have been rough times. I didn't know whether my son would have a daddy or not, and I faced being a single parent -- again -- but this time with three children instead of two.
But that didn't happen. I have my two precious daughters and a son whose world revolves around his mommy. And I have a husband who would hand the world to me on a silver platter. He's back to being the man I married ... only better.
And I'm complaining, why???
You're right, cat. I need to stop pondering so much on the old times. It's hard, because there's still so much of the "old life" that is lingering ... and will always linger with the child that H and OW created.
But it's like I've said from the beginning: the creation of a life is never, ever a mistake. The intention of that baby is not to hurt me. And truth be known, the intent of her mother wasn't to hurt me, either.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I look around at my life tonight, and I see how beautiful it is, and I know I've been very selfish to think that my life -- even with OW and the baby -- could be anything less than wonderful.
Maybe it's me, but I think what your H said during the movie was a "good" thing. It seems to me like he was acknowledging that the initial "great" feelings do not last. Didn't he say it was all down hill from there? Those are the words that I would focus on. It seems like he's telling you that the relationship with OW pretty much sucked after that first lust stuff wore off. I'm sure he paid dearly for that life lesson!
I also don't think he meant to hurt you by his comments. I'm sure he knows that you have unresolved feeling about everything and maybe he was trying to communicate with you by using the movie. Hang in there. It will take a lot of work to come out on the other side of all of this stuff.
You have so many positives in your life. I know how grateful you are for all of your blessings. Focus on that and in due time you will work through your feelings about OW and her child.
Give that baby boy a big hug from me. How many times had he peed on you? Little boys are dangerous that way!
So glad you stopped by my thread.
Spit
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Welp, it's done. I searched birth records yesterday, and it appears H/OW's baby was born July 10. Apparently, that was a couple weeks early -- 16 days to be precise.
We haven't heard anything from OW ... yet. My gut feeling is that she's going to try to allow H and I to feel "safe" for a while, or at least until the "bonding stage" has passed. Then -- once we haven't been given the opportunity to create a good relationship with the baby -- she'll come after H for everything we have. Under that scenario, we receive visitation rights for a baby who wants nothing to do with us in exchange for us paying OW up to $1,000 a month, at least. In other words, she wins everything; we get nothing.
I won't allow that to happen. OW has been hanging over my head, leading H and me by our noses, since January. I can't go one day longer with the uncertainty lingering in my mind. When will she rear her head? Now? Never? I can't live this way another day.
Our atty. is drawing up papers as I write. We are, obviously, ordering a paternity test and giving OW a choice: Either allow H to relinquish his paternal rights, or we get joint custody, which entails us having the baby at least 130 days a year. I'm not opposed to either, and it's only fair to give OW the choice.
H says OW will have a difficult time "allowing" me to be around "her" baby. Apparently in divorce papers she has with her XH, she included a stipulation that her H not have a girl over when their two daughters are with him. I hate to tell her, but she won't be able to stipulate such a thing in this case.
How am I feeling about it all? Confused, but finally somewhat relieved.
We'll see how things go from here. I don't want to jump the gun and project things when I don't know how things are going to turn out. I'll elaborate more as I receive more information.
Take it one step at a time. Also remember that this is still VERY much H's thing, from his time without you....that being said, leave it him, be supportive, but this is his thing to deal with as well. You know that.
All in all, I have to say, you are one of the strongest women I know, here and otherwise. I admire you so much. Each time I think I couldn't forgive my H, I think of you....your grace, strength and love.
ditto what always said, you are an amazingly strong woman, and I too think of you when I remember H's shenanigans and start to get resentful.
I don't know where you live, but when my H was away, given how much he earned, we barely got 600 per month for both kids, guess it depends how much your H earns. I do hope you guys strike a good deal with her. Hugs))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks to both of you, really, for your kind words. I can't begin to tell you how that makes me feel. I told a friend of mine this morning that some may call me strong, others may call me crazy. At times, I don't know which a I am, either. But I'm glad at least my sitch can be an inspiration to you. Even I'm amazed -- and H told me last night he is, too -- with just how much love I have for my H. It takes amazing people to continue loving people who hurt us so. Love is such a powerful emotion ... much more powerful than hate.
always, you've hit on the biggest dilemma I've had since this whole mess started -- when to help my H out and when to back off. Despite my ranting on the boards, H is calling all the shots with regard to OW and the baby. But he does ask for my input, and I share it with him.
The only time I'll give my opinion without him asking for it is when he mentions something that will impact *my* life.
It's a tightrope, honestly, because *all* of it impacts my life. My H and I share a life, but the baby was created when we didn't. So I feel that he should take responsibility, but anything he decides from this point forward will also affect me and my children. Argh. Do you see the frustration of it all?
That's why, you're right, I must take things one step at a time. Right now, I'm up to about one hour at a time, then I have a beer.
Yeah, they're still hanging around. 
His daddy got home from work, picked him up and carried him around as he cried for about an hour. After that, hubby cleaned the kitchen and the livingroom while I put the baby to bed (which took much longer than usual since his little legs hurt so badly.)