Yuck. This month will forever go down in my book as the grossest-feeling month of the year. This is the month OW is due, and I guess I'm not as "over it" as I've felt in past months. I get the heeby-jeebies just thinking about it.
Things are absolutely fantastic with H and me, but I feel like a lot of that is at my expense. Every day this month, the anticipation of OW having her baby has caused me to reflect back upon those horrible winter months. H and I wached a movie last night about a cheating H -- neither of us knew that's what the movie was about -- and it just added insult to injury.
Ya know, OW's pregnancy is simply a product of what I'm really grappling with: My H's infidelity.
Recently, I had to throw out a bottle of the KY massage oil that my H had bought while he was away. I got so sick on my stomach every time I walked into our closet and saw it there, half empty. I think it was a little insensitive of him not to throw it out when he came back home ... as if he were going to use it on me. Puhleeze. I just threw it away without comment. I'm sure he has noticed it's gone, but he hasn't said anything.
When H and I were watching that movie last night, things started getting hot-n-heavy between the H and his mistress -- who were boozing it up in a bar -- and H said: "Oh, man, it's all downhill from here. It seems great in the beginning, but ..."
My chin wanted to hit the floor. Great? It seems freakin' great? Do you have any flippin' idea how it felt for me?? I was freakin' pregnant while you were getting boozed up and laid by another flippin' broad??!!! And it was great????
Ugh!!!
*Of course* it felt great to him, though. And that's what eats me alive to this day. It still seems so unfair, and the feelings are still so raw any time something like this happens. It's like I'm sucked back through some sort of time warp or something, and the wounds are violently reopened.
Of course, I didn't let on to my H. I dunno. Maybe I should have said something to him, politely, once the movie was over. I'm still grappling with this new style of communication. It's not in my nature to keep my mouth shut when something's bothering me, but in a relationship, nature sometimes gets us in trouble. We have to learn to get along with someone else's nature.
But that's another thing that bothers me. Why would my H be so thoughtless as to say such a thing in front of me? I guess his actual point was to say, "Hey, man, it's not worth it," which I should take as a compliment. But to hear, "It's all great in the beginning," doesn't make me feel too good -- even though I know it's the truth.
I hear that time will heal these wounds. It's been six months, which probably isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. I just have a faint feeling that the wounds will never completely heal. And I wonder how that will impact our R in the future ... and if it will be up to me to let it roll off my back while H continues to say insensitive things that hurt me, even though I know he doesn't realize what he's saying. And I'm probably being way overly sensitive.
It just seems really unfair that I'm keeping a leash on my tongue, but he feels comfortable saying whatever he feels like saying without any fear of repercussion. And I have to think: if it's bothering me this much now, how is it going to make me feel months from now?
My only hope is that these wounds will do a little more healing by then.
