P&DB--what an interesting post...seems that I landed on it in a timely manner to my sitch. I understand and totally relate (sadly) to the way you used to relate to your H. We can only imagine how horrible it was for H's to be talked to like that. It seems that the A overshadows all the past, but I have to rememver there's a LOT I did to get down that path.
I like the talk of LL's. I have to agree with Ellie. In fact, before I left this week, H vented that he liked doing things for people, felt like he was 'providing' for them. He helped OW with bills and other things (gifts, etc)....he said it wasn't really the physical stuff at all, but more that someone appreciated and needed what he gave them and was grateful. Someone that was 'crazy' about him, and just knowing that was really nice for him. Also, that it was a distraction for him from our mess...which is what explains the 'addictive' type of behavior or spouses do when in the A (constantly calling, checking emails, etc) more so than when they were with us. When they fell in love with us, life was balanced and happy and whole, so no need to go overboard with reaching out....but in the A, it's a product of feeling miserable in part of your life and shutting that out, so you're reaching out overly so, to distract yourself, do dull the pain/ugliness of life.
That being said, like Ellie said, H likes doing acts of service to receive WOA, it means so much to him. These months I have been giving that, which at first seem insincere (understandable) and then finally sink in, b/c in the end it IS a real need. He appreciated it very much and said it meant a lot to him.
