Before my H left, if something was on my mind, I would be a total grump until I got it off my chest ... and put it on my H's. I would go into a total tailspin over the dumbest, smallest things. And I would adjust my attitude accordingly ... so that my H *knew*, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was ticked. And until he addressed it with me, I would carry that attitude with me.
I decided when he was gone that that wasn't an effective way to communicate, and I wouldn't do it any more.
Now, if something's bothering me, I'll sit on it for a while to make sure it's a battle I'm willing to fight. And I don't hold a visible grudge in the meantime. If I still feel strongly about it after several hours, I'll talk to my H ... once I'm calm and rational enough to do so. If the mood passes, though, I'll just let it go.
What I've realized in the process is that my H thinks *a lot* more on his own now that I'm not doing the thinking for him. It's almost like my attitude used to enable him to continue ignoring my "needs."
Last night, I fell asleep on the couch, and he woke me to go to bed. We hadn't talked about OW all day, but when he sat down beside me in bed, out of nowhere he said, "Honey, I'm really sorry about all the turmoil I've caused in your life with OW."
I told him that he has been forgiven ... and that he has brought much more good to my life than bad, which makes it easy for me to continue loving him even in the bad times.
Yes, the 24hr rule is what it's called. If it still means anything in 24hrs, then it needs to be addressed, otherwise, drop it. He does sound like he is trying his best to make amends for his mistakes. This is a big deal in regards to commitment to R. Have you read FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES? Might want to look into it.
Hey, Phoenix. Yes, I read 5LL and loved it. H and I actually completed the quizzes at the end shortly after he came back home. Neither of our LLs were exactly what we expected them to be. We both actually scored highest for "Words of Affirmation," which surprised both of us. We had both thought that we shared the "Acts of Service" LL.
Anyway, great book, and I certainly believe in it.
Good observation; I certainly never thought of it that way, but that's very true. I love to cook for my H, but I wouldn't love it as much if he told me he didn't like my cooking ... or even if he just didn't say anything about it.
P&DB--what an interesting post...seems that I landed on it in a timely manner to my sitch. I understand and totally relate (sadly) to the way you used to relate to your H. We can only imagine how horrible it was for H's to be talked to like that. It seems that the A overshadows all the past, but I have to rememver there's a LOT I did to get down that path.
I like the talk of LL's. I have to agree with Ellie. In fact, before I left this week, H vented that he liked doing things for people, felt like he was 'providing' for them. He helped OW with bills and other things (gifts, etc)....he said it wasn't really the physical stuff at all, but more that someone appreciated and needed what he gave them and was grateful. Someone that was 'crazy' about him, and just knowing that was really nice for him. Also, that it was a distraction for him from our mess...which is what explains the 'addictive' type of behavior or spouses do when in the A (constantly calling, checking emails, etc) more so than when they were with us. When they fell in love with us, life was balanced and happy and whole, so no need to go overboard with reaching out....but in the A, it's a product of feeling miserable in part of your life and shutting that out, so you're reaching out overly so, to distract yourself, do dull the pain/ugliness of life.
That being said, like Ellie said, H likes doing acts of service to receive WOA, it means so much to him. These months I have been giving that, which at first seem insincere (understandable) and then finally sink in, b/c in the end it IS a real need. He appreciated it very much and said it meant a lot to him.
Good observation. Kind of makes you think. I wonder if my W realizes that. I might see if this gets something going with my wife. At first when things feel out with W, no mater what LL I used it was rejected, but as things warmed up, more was received.
Someone that was 'crazy' about him, and just knowing that was really nice for him.
Yup, that's exactly what my H told me. OW complimented him -- said *all* the right things -- and I had apparently long gotten out of the habit of thanking him for the little things: taking out the trash, mowing the grass, fixing the sink, changing the oil in my car. I grew to expect those things, just as he grew to expect a clean house, paid bills and a warm meal every day. It's certainly amazing what we take for granted. And when we actually "re-start" complimenting our Ss for their hard work and help, it *must* come off a little strange, since we had stopped for so long. But eventually, they get used to it, and of course they like it, so compliments don't seem so "forced" anymore.
And ya know, compliments are sort of like smiles and yawns. They're usually returned.
it was a distraction for him from our mess...which is what explains the 'addictive' type of behavior or spouses do when in the A (constantly calling, checking emails, etc) more so than when they were with us
Hmmmm...*very* interesting. My H *hated* his cell phone before he left (as he does now that he's back home). You can imagine my surprise when, while he was away, I checked his cell phone records and found that his monthly bill had jumped from $50/month to nearly $300/month. He was having 117-minute conversations with OW, and talked to her 13 times in one day!!!
I never could figure that out, but look! You go and make sense of it! *Very* interesting; I had never thought of it that way.
Phoenix!!
I might see if this gets something going with my wife.
You made my day; so glad you're gonna give it a try! Make sure you report back on how things work. I absolutely love the LL theory; I think that book should be mandatory reading for all marrying couples. Heck, I think everybody in the world should read it.
The level of contact is one of the things that got me the most. For instance, I KNOW for a fact that H was never 'in love' with OW/FFs and I KNOW/REMEMBER how much he was with me (long ago, of course, now it's replaced with vile hate). AND, H had a high level of contact with a few different people, not just OW in particular.
So, it got me thinking.....if at the very most in love, you never did that for me, but here you are contacting any woman that comes across your radar a million times, what is the deal?
The answer, I put together just recently after his confession and our talks: H admitted that during all this he was in a 'fog' of sorts. Was not himself. He said that he no love for himself, let alone for anyone else (when I asked if he 'fell in love.') and was feeling miserable (about us), guilty (about himself). He was barely keeping it together during the months. Not the strong balanced person he was. So at this low point, he goes OVERboard in indulging in a distraction, self-medication of sorts. Think of it as drinking. When life is good, you enjoy a few drinks, to kick back and relax, to enhance your life. When life is bad, you want to drink heavily to forget.
So, in a way, it's a GOOD sign that H's are less indulgent in US. Means that they are more balanced and well-rounded....esentially more capable of TRUE and LASTING love....because those things are built and given only when you love yourself, are happy and feeling strong.
Of course, I understand it, but it still hurts, when I think "geez, you can call OW a million times, but you can't call me until the end of the day b/c you have no time..."
Been there, seen that, experiencing the whole mess. At least my W was honest enough to say that she was being selfish when she got into this MLC. So often also, we forget to reflect back and acknowledge and remember how much we were in love. So often these S of ours have to minimalize to justify, but there is no real satisfaction there.
