So it makes no sense to me how, three weeks after laboring for 8 hours to push out a 9-pound baby, it took me 12 hours of just-as-intense laboring to push out a 5 mm kidney stone.
It's not the water; I drink at least a half a gallon of that a day. I think it was all the TUMS I took for heartburn while I was preggo. Those darn calcium deposits.
In the meantime, OW called H at work today. She said they need to talk; it's the first time she's contacted him since early February. H told her he'd call her back in a minute, and he immediately called me to tell me she had called. He asked me what he should do, and I told him to do what he felt was right. He said he'd call her back to tell her that he'd call her from our house tonight. So that's the plan. OW told him that they needed to talk "soon."
H says we -- meaning he and I -- need to come up with a game plan. I can tell that he believes she's calling to work out arrangements for the baby (maybe he's finally starting to believe she's truly preggo??). H is beside himself and doesn't know what to do. I'm being much more calm -- in fact, I've been joking about it. How I *really* feel, well, I don't know.
My spiritual advisor told me late last week, when I found out I had my first-ever kidney stone, that the kidneys are in the third chakra. That's the area of resentment and trust issues. It was no surprise to me that a kidney stone would be dislodged the very week that I started journaling about OW on the boards for the first time since H came home. I guess I'm starting to deal with some of the resentment. Earlier on the day I ended up in the hospital for the kidney stone, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm pretty darn mad about how my H left me high and dry. It just came out of nowhere.
And now, surprise of all surprises, OW is back. I'll post later about what she's calling for ... keep your fingers crossed for me.
So sorry about the kidney stone - seems so unfair!!!
As for OW - I think that was excellent problem solving for H to tell her he would call from home tonight - it's great for him to make it clear you are a party to any conversations they have.
Strategy-wise? You request a DNA test after the baby is born. You and H decide BEFORE you discuss with her whether you plan to seek visitation and/or custody (don't push H if he doesn't want this, okay?). Child support comes after confirmation that this child is his. Simple.
OW called to tell H that she wants him to have as much to do with the baby as he wants, but that he wouldn't be able to have overnight visits until she's at least a year old. In other words, OW just called to check in with H. I told H that there was absolutely no sense in her calling him to talk about visitation with the baby -- or how much, or how little, H wants to do with the baby -- because all that needs to be worked out with lawyers, and in writing, anyway.
I got the distinct sense, though, that OW was either recording the phone conversation or had someone -- perhaps an atty?? -- listening in. NC is a one-party state, meaning as long as one party knows a conversation is being recorded, it is legal.
OW, as I figured, danced circles around my H. When it comes to tactic and strategy, he's lost. Seeing as how I have to use that almost daily in my job, it's obviously my forte, which is why H wanted my input into what he should tell her. But it proved very difficult to try to "coach" him on what to say while OW continued spouting off.
Actually, she was very calm and accommodating, which added to my suspicion that she was recording the call to later use against my H.
Our strategy, since H couldn't hold a candle to what she was saying, was to simply make H seem as confused as he can be re: his potential role in the baby's life.
He asked her if she would be willing to let him relinquish his paternal rights, pending, of course, the results of a paternity test showing H is the father. While she's very agreeable to the paternity test, she said she is "not emotionally ready" to let him sign his rights over.
In other words, she's not ready to let go of the possibility of raking us for everything we have.
But she didn't say it like that. She said the reason she's not "emotionally ready" to let him sign over his rights is because she fears he will someday want to have something to do with the baby. H said, "Well that would be my fault, not yours." Obviously, that was BS on OW's part.
H told her that I was totally supportive of helping raise the baby, and that we are discussing either joint or full custody. OW said, "You can try if that's what you want to do, but I don't think it will happen." H brought up that he and I are now in MC, we both have stable jobs and stable incomes, whereas OW is divorced with two children, self-employed and a full-time student. OW said that due to what my H had told her about me during their 4-month fling, she would have reservations about *my* ability to help raise her child. Puhleeze.
H reminded her that she's not innocent in the sitch. It's not like, if we *have* to go to court, that a judge is going to only look down on H and me because our M faltered a little and OW is going to be looked at as some sort of innocent victim; she is a bona fide "homewrecker," after all.
She told H that she doesn't regret what she did (sleeping with a married man and getting pregnant). She said, "Well, from what you told me, I really thought your relationship with P&DB was over." H responded that he was certainly guilty of painting that picture to her; however, he said, "When you sleep with a married man, that's a chance you take." He used the same response when she alluded to the fact that she's not comfortable with me being Mom #2 to her baby. Too freakin' bad.
OW told H that she thinks they can informally work out an agreement for visitation; she thinks he should keep the baby during the days she can't take her to preschool.
H refused to an informal agreement and said *anything* and *everything* they agree on will be in writing. Obviously.
OW asked H if he wants to know when she's on her way to the hospital. He said no and told her to simply send him legal paperwork after the baby's born. He told her that he and I would gladly pay for a paternity test.
At the end of the day, the entire phone conversation was pointless. And I'm still sure it was used as a guise for something else. Especially considering how polite and agreeable she was -- when H says that's not her nature -- I know she's up to something. And unfortunately, she holds all the cards.
That's one thing I'm *not* used to: someone else holding all the cards. Our hands are so very tied at this point.
And you know what I -- the infamous "femi-nazi" -- have learned over the course of these awful past nine months? A father's rights are so, so very limited. He gets someone preggo and has absolutely *no* say-so whatsoever in if that pregnancy will continue or if it will be terminated. Granted, that's a risk a man takes. But once he gets a woman preggo, that's the end of his decision-making power. From that point on, the woman calls all the shots.
That made me happy when I was preggo with all my children; after all -- and I reminded my H of this last night -- when he was leaving me in Sept., he told *me* to abort my son. Obviously, I didn't listen, and he's very grateful for that now.
But it's still very aggravating, from a man's perspective, that they can make *one* mistake and pay for it the rest of their lives. The woman -- many of whom attempt to "trick" a man into getting her preggo (by saying she's on birth control or can't get preggo, etc.) --at least has the ability to terminate the pregnancy if she chooses. And if she chooses to keep the baby, she can make darn sure the father -- who hasn't had the first say-so -- pays.
Just a little perspective, PD$B - - H didn't choose to use condoms every time he had sex with her. He's an adult and he knows birth control fails - H undoubtedly DID paint a picture to her that made it seem somehow okay - his marriage to you was "dead", you were an awful person, blah blah blah - H has an obligation to pay for his mistake in the form of child support - it is unfortunate in our culture that the easy availability of abortion makes it seem as if a guy is somehow wronged if a woman refuses to abort a child he didn't want!!! - Unless you believe this woman will be an abusive mother, think carefully about introducing into this baby's life the confusion of two households. How would you like to find out at 7 or 8 that you were the product of an affair? I don't know what the right answer is, but I'm not convinced its shared custody - especially with this woman who might try to use that as a wedge to interfere with your marriage.
Of course, this all still hinges on this actually being your H's child - and still on her actually being pregnant!!
I would refuse further contact until she has the child and the paternity test is done.
I agree with you on much of this, Ellie. Perhaps this is an instance of my vision being very blurred by being so emotionally tied to the sitch. This is the first time I've been able to see such a sitch from the male's perspective, and while I realize my H -- and men like him -- are just as at fault as the women, I still see that the women totally have the upperhand because they have *all* the control once the child is conceived. How different people feel about that is sure to be a point of debate. I thought I felt one way -- and I think I still do -- but I certainly will be a little more sensitive to the male's perspective in the future.
I knew a girl who had full intentions of "tricking" a man into getting her preggo. All she wanted was a baby, and she confided in my sister that she was going to tell a virtual stranger that she was on birth control, but her intent was to have a baby; she was in her late 20s and hadn't found a "suitable" father, and she felt time was "running out."
Yes, the guy was stupid, and yes, all men should know that BC fails -- my H is certainly not innocent in this sitch -- but the women, I'm sure you agree, are no saints, either.
If they want a baby, they need to tell the men that that's all they want. Then maybe they can reach a written agreement about custody, etc. of the baby before the baby's even conceived. Obviously I'm being a little sarcastic ...
Anyway, we'll see what happens. Thanks for keeping me in check.
P.S. I will politely disagree with you on this point:
H has an obligation to pay for his mistake in the form of child support
I'm ASSuming when you write "child support" that you're refering to the financial kind. H has an obligation to the child, but it doesn't have to be a financial one.
I also disagree about the child not being able to have both parents readily available; regardless of *which* parent -- or both parents -- the child is with, she is the product of an affair. Just because the child is in one home -- or both -- doesn't mean that she will or will not find out she is the product of an affair.
Quote: I'm ASSuming when you write "child support" that you're refering to the financial kind. H has an obligation to the child, but it doesn't have to be a financial one.
Well - yes it does! the law says so - he played a role in bringing this child into the world, he has an obligation to feed and clothe and shelter it - that takes money.
I would hope, if this child was raised in one household instead of two, that it could be sheltered from the information that it was the product of an adulterous affair until it was grown.
Well - yes it does! the law says so - he played a role in bringing this child into the world, he has an obligation to feed and clothe and shelter it - that takes money.
Obviously. My solution is that we get custody and pay for the baby's food, clothes and shelter. OW can pay child support to help us.
I would hope, if this child was raised in one household instead of two, that it could be sheltered from the information that it was the product of an adulterous affair until it was grown.
I would hope so, too. And that would be my plan. But I'm not a manipulative woman.
Unfortunately, you raising the child would subject OWs other children to the confusion of "losing" a sibling (and wondering if they could be taken away next) so that's probably not a viable option.
Six of one, half a dozen of the other. No, I may not be pregnant with the child, but I have three children of my own who, if we choose to tell them about the baby, will also feel insecure ... and would especially wonder how H and I could be so cold as to know he has a child in the world and care nothing about having her in our lives. What does that say to *my* children?
I have a moral obligation to look out for the best interest of my H's child, not OW's other two children. They are her responsibility. Perhaps OW should have cosidered their mental well-being before she spread her legs for a married man and decided to carry through with a pregnancy that she planned from the jump?
OW's intent has been and is to use her own child to manipuate circumstances. How does that make her the more suitable parent? Just because she carried her for nine months? Tell that to adopting parents.
Let's get down to the cold truth and put this baby to bed (no pun intended): The child OW is carrying is just as much my H as it is OW. There's nothing that makes her more suitable than H to raise the child -- though we could obviously go back and forth with opinions until we're blue in the face ... er, fingers.
In other words, OW just called to check in with H. I told H that there was absolutely no sense in her calling him to talk about visitation with the baby -- or how much, or how little, H wants to do with the baby -- because all that needs to be worked out with lawyers, and in writing, anyway.