I don't know if you remember me but I have wondered many times whatever happened to you. There is another poster who is pregnant in Newcomers (angstuff1) and she reminded me of your sitch when she first arrived. I am glad you are well and your husband is home. Whatever the future brings, you can handle it. Look how much you have already been through...and handled so well.
Awhile back (I believe it was) don'tfret06 that started a thread asking what happened to you. She isn't posting a whole lot right now though. Her H came home but is apparently unable (read: unwilling) to get OW out of his head.
Anyway, as you can see, you have been remembered all this time.
I'm glad you posted and hope you'll give us updates on occasion.
Thanks so much for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts and encouragement. Indeed, I count myself very fortunate to have my H -- the one I knew, loved, married and believed in -- home. I can remember reading through the boards for the first couple months after he left, *knowing* that I'd never be one of the success stories (my H had totally left me in the dark; we wouldn't speak for weeks, and any communication we did have was initiated by me and would leave me in tears.)
My sitch was about as bleak as they come, with no obvious chance of reconciliation whatsoever. I guess what I'm trying to say is that *any* sitch can turn around at *any* given time. It just seems to happen that way.
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by.
Spitty!!!!
Good to hear from *you*!!! My girls are definitely spoiling the little man -- but they've been so much help! My oldest daughter takes care of him while I cook dinner, and both are willing diaper-changing candidates. The only problem is, they can't stand it when he cries ... which is often. As soon as he shows the first signs of hunger, the girls are handing him back off to mom.
That's okay. He's my little sunshine. My H -- as he often does -- just beamed with pride this a.m. as he looked at our little guy. H said, "He's just so darn cute, and that's coming from a guy!" I asked, "Aren't you proud of him?" And H responded, "Yes, but I'm most proud of you ..."
H and I had a miniature talk last night about OW's baby. I do not push any of my feelings onto him at all; I just let him talk. But I told him last night that I thought we needed to make an atty appt. pretty soon so that we could be proactive instead of blindsided by her later. H agreed, but he's not agreeable to having a part in the baby's life. He said, "Our son is a part of me and you. I don't want to have anything to do with OW at all. I don't ever want to have to see her again."
I asked if he's sure of that (mainly because I disagree with his position, but I didn't tell him that, of course). He said he would be willing to pay child support if that's what he had to do, but he still wouldn't want to be part of the baby's life because the baby -- and having to see her mother -- would serve as a constant reminder of what he had done to me and our son.
I dunno. It's so weird, ya know? It's difficult for me to take the hands-off approach to that sitch since he *is* my H, and what impacts his life obviously impacts mine. But at the same time, he created that sitch in the four months that our lives were not intertwined, so I feel like he should clean it up without my interference.
I guess all I do, at the end of the day, is support him and his decision. And that's what I told him last night. But I'll be darned if I allow her to ruin my life, if she ever tries. *That's* not going to happen. She's had enough of an impact on my life.
H and I are definitely focusing on us, our family and our M. He's a totally different person; it's hard for my eyes to believe what they're seeing at times. We're both so, so, so much happier -- and even more committed than we were in the months before he left. Some people have told me that those four months could be the best thing to ever happen to us. I would have never believed them, but now I can see where they're coming from.
My H has now been home as long as he was away, and things are better than ever.
grasshopper
Hey to you, too! Thanks for writing and for your kind thoughts. I'll be trying to read up on everyones' threads while I'm out of work on maternity leave. In the meantime, I sure hope you're doing well.
Hey, AmyC
I dropped a line over on dontfret's thread; I hated to read what she's going through. I remember how I felt when my H came home; thankfully, I didn't have to deal with the withdrawls from OW like dontfret's having to do. My H was 100 percent ready to leave the psycho. But I do remember how difficult the first couple months were. I was *constantly* suspicious. Is H and OW setting me up? Is he moving back home just to get me to sell the house, then he'll leave with OW? Is he talking to her without telling me???
Nothing he did was good enough -- and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to not let on about my suspicions or feelings. I totally had to suck everything up and act as if I didn't suspect a thing.
I can't imagine having those feelings *and* having to deal with a H's withdrawl symptoms from OW. Bless dontfret's heart. I'll be thinking of her.
I'll also try to check out the other thread you mentioned. It breaks my heart to remember the four months I went through, and to read about other people who are now in those shoes is like reopening a wound. It hurts me to my core.
Quote: he's not agreeable to having a part in the baby's life. He said, "Our son is a part of me and you. I don't want to have anything to do with OW at all. I don't ever want to have to see her again."
I asked if he's sure of that (mainly because I disagree with his position, but I didn't tell him that, of course). He said he would be willing to pay child support if that's what he had to do, but he still wouldn't want to be part of the baby's life because the baby -- and having to see her mother -- would serve as a constant reminder of what he had done to me and our son.
I know some would consider this politically incorrect, but I happen to agree with your H.
IF (big if) OW is really pregnant, the very best thing for that child would be to be given up for adoption to a 2-parent home that was unrelated to this mess in any way. Second best would be if OW meets and marries a new man who raises that child as his own.
I DON'T think it is good for that child, or your kids either, to be raised with the knowledge that it was conceived from an affair and feel somehow "second best" to your own kids, which would seem inevitable.
I think H should meet his financial responsibilities. I don't see the point in getting an attorney until OW sues for child support (again, she hasn't even had this baby yet, and I for one still doubt she's even pregnant). At that time you can request a paternity test.
It's possible she will have the child and not sue for support because she doesn't want to share custody. If that happens, I would let it lie, and just set up a special savings account to set aside money for this child (in case she sues for child support later, or it could be given to the child for college when they are grown.)
Hey, Ellie. Thanks as always for stopping in. I do, however, have a couple concerns which stem from your comments (which, btw, echo what a couple people around here have said as well).
I guess my first concern is society's stronghold on notions of which parent should be the one to raise a child and which should solely provide financial support.
OW has two children of her own, who were conceived in marriage. What would make the child she's carrying -- ASSuming she is carrying one -- feel any more loved with *her* and her children than with us and *our* children? What makes her, as a mother, a better caregiver than my H, as a father?
And why is it that folks keep saying that my H needs to live up to his "financial responsibility?" How about his responsibility to be a present parent?
Forgive me for sounding a little testy, but I guess I don't fall in the category of those who believe that in a broken partnership, the mother should raise the child while the absent father is left with only the financial burden.
I dunno. Maybe I'm behind the times, but I'm not willing to pay for a child who I don't have a hand in rearing. And this is wherein the problem lies. At the end of the day, I, along with my H, *will* be financially responsible for OW's child, because my income counts in my family. And it's not fair that I have to pay for their mistake while I sit idly by and let a woman who didn't give a second thought about ruining *my* family and taking away the father of *my* children call all the shots while we just suck things up and financially pay for it.
Maybe that's not politically correct either, but it's how I feel. My H is just as much a part of her baby as she is, and thus has just as much right to her as she does, and no one should write him off and say he should just simply be financially responsible for a life he created. He should be a lot more than financially responsible for her, IMHO.
Quote: Forgive me for sounding a little testy, but I guess I don't fall in the category of those who believe that in a broken partnership, the mother should raise the child while the absent father is left with only the financial burden.
Actually, what I said was that the best thing for the child would be to be given up for adoption. I'm only facing the reality that IF she chooses to keep it (a choice you have no hand in, unfortunately) - it would be more confusing to the child, I think, to be going back and forth and grow up knowing it was conceived from an affair. And with a father who's going to feel guilt when he sees the child, and a stepmom who will inevitably feel resentment - it just doesn't seem the best situation for a child.
But hey - let's not forget I don't even think she's pregnant - so let's quit borrowing trouble, okay? Ellie
I tend to lean in this direction too. If things get nasty between H and OW, where does that leave child. H doesn't want to see anything that reminds him of mistake, OW doesn't want anything that reminds her of H, especially if it has no pull in the sitch. A child does not deserve that. At least give the child a clean start and not a position of possible dispise. But with that said I don't know if you will have much say in the issue. I would get your thoughts in order, in case H has some input to the sitch.
Hey, guys. Yeah, if I had any say in the matter, a baby would have obviously never been created in the first place. H and I have talked about how adoption would be the best thing. Now, if somebody could tell me how to freeze he11 over, then I'll call OW and make that happen right away.
She *wanted* the baby; in fact, H says she told him within the first month of them dating that she wanted to have his child ... Adoption is not an option.
There is no contact between H and OW now; from what H tells me, she likely went away because I told her I would support my H regardless of what he decided -- including if he decides that he wants custody. According to my H, OW would stick a fork in her eye before she'd let *me* help raise her baby -- since I *am* the person who "took" her man, after all. Forget that he was my H, right?
As for any resentment I would feel toward their baby, I guess I can't expect anyone on this board to know who I truly am. But I would never *ever* harbor resentment toward an innocent child. Instead, it hurts me to my core to know that there will be a part of my H walking the earth that I will never know. I would love *anything* that is of my H ... because I love *him*. Perhaps some people can't understand that -- and maybe I don't even understand where that comes from in me -- but it is what it is.
Thank you for your post. I admire and respect you so much for what you've so gracefully navigated.
I'm thanking you for your beautiful reminder of the deep love and compasstion you have for your H, and that i think we all have (or else we would have all walked long ago, right?)...I needed it--today I'm having a hard time finding the love and compassion.
God bless you and your family...each and every one!
PG&DB You know that you may have to change your name some day?
I often thought of you. I am so happy for you. RE: OW being preg, I don't know what she looks like otherwise, or how she was during her other preg's but I was in my 5th and 6th month before anyone even thought that I might be preg. I was not one to run around telling everyone that I was preg. the first week. A miscarraige took the wind out of that sail for me. Also, have you checked in on Hopefloats7 yet. she is in MLC now and although she had the OW is preg scare b4, it appears that this time its true. I am sure that she would love to hear from you. I totally understand loving the child of your H. It is an attitude. I myself had to consider that. I've never met OW and doubt that she's preg, but I had my scare too.
Did you ever read the last post in your former thread in the infidelity forum???
Boy, I'm glad I insisted on my H having a vasectomy (actually, after two weeks of our 4th baby crying, he was more than willing, so was his choice, ultimately). At least, I didn't have to worry about him making someone pregnant. I really empathise with those who still have to deal with all that - it must be really hard. Not sure what I would've done if I were in similar circumstances.
Probably true that God only allows us obstacles that He knows we can handle.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Adoption is not an option.