A Better Me

[darlingnicky]

Well, time to end my last thread. Time to move forward. Had a few realizations over the past week and thought I would just journal them here.

First, H got pretty upset with me last week over something I said. He was voicing a concern about a family function and I was trying to come off as "well, there isn't anything we can do about it, so let's not worry about it. it's not your problem." It totally threw him into a tizzy about how unsupportive I am and how horrible I react to situations like this and this is the reason why he never wants to talk to me about anything anymore. Woah. Talk about a 2x4. Even today, I don't fully understand what I did. But, it did make me realize that he has R issues with me. Even though he has said that he doesn't, he does. He just sweeps them under the carpet. So, I don't want to dredge up the issue, but I am thinking about what happened and what I can do to be more supportive in situations like that. I guess I dont' really need to say anything. Perhaps the next time something like that happens, I'll just be quietly supportive? Or say something like "Oh, I know that's going to be a tough situation."

The other thing is that he really reads into my facial expressions. I guess I "give a lot of looks". I don't realize I am doing this and I don't know how to change it. I know it's mostly his problem and I can't control how he interprets my facial expressions. BUT, it's a big problem between us.

The other thing that I have realized lately is that I really don't enjoy life. I don't enjoy the GREAT life that I have. I have a great husband, a beautiful son, a fantastic family, a job to pay my bills and put food on the table, a beautiful house, two cars that are fairly new, one of which is paid off, a college education, full use of all of my limbs, good health, my sight, my hearing...a whole SLEW of fabulous things in my life that I do not appreciate. I spend all of energy thinking about all the bad things that are going on and the very few negative things in my life. I am wasting my life away. It's time to change this, immediately.

Last night we worked in our beautiful yard. H planted the rose bush his work gave us. DS and I played ball, while H worked. We went for a walk in the neighborhood, cooked burgers on the grill. We are having beautiful spring weather, it was a great night.

As far as our SL goes right now. Things are off limits until I recover from the procedure. Which is okay. I am still working thru the feelings of our loss and ML will be a harsh reminder of that. I can't help but have the feelings of "wanting to try" even tho we weren't in the first place. Having to use birth control will be sad.

Last night H came up to me (I was working on the computer for my own business) and gave me a little squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. It was the sweetest thing he's done in awhile and the most "spontaneous", it really made me feel good.

Well, enough rambling. Time to go back to work!

Nicky