Think before you react. Perhaps W just does not know what to do about D. Perhaps D needs to be turned over to social services or some other program to help address her issues. It seems that it would help to get her out of the house.
The letters you found. Are you dwelling on the past or present? If it's past, let it go.
You sound overwelmed right now. This may not be a good time to make a move.
I have been away a few days and am only catching up now -
good luck tonight.
It sounds like your Step D is one of these people who invites chaos. And W is affected by it greatly - can't dispel it, and maybe she does want you to just take care of it. Maybe she is not strong enough. YOU are definately the healthiest person in this situation and you need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself that way.
I agree with Kent, that if you are calm then do whatever you have to. If you are not, then would it help if you could just go away for a few days? Maybe that would shake hings up too, and give you more chance to breathe.
Well, the "talk" didn't happen last night. We talked briefly on the phone, and I guess that was enough for now. She asked me if I had taken the letters, and I admitted to it. She was distressed about it, that I had violated trust, but started mumbling about what I (me) was going through, how she understood how I couldn't trust, etc. I reminded her about the evening she was terrified, how she felt there was something "dark and bad" in the house, and that I wanted anything that contributed to that out of the house. She had another call coming in, and that was the end of it.
Anyway, she was shopping when I got home, so I spent some time with step-S. She messaged me to see where I was, if I needed anything, was glad I was home with him. It's a great gift to her for me to spend time with him, and it seems to work well for ALL of us. Step-S and I are becoming pretty good buds, and he's really starting to pay attention to things I say. I guess he's even defending me whenever step-D has anything bad to say about me. Evening was pleasant, she initiated a couple of BIG hugs, and some small kisses. She was busy doing housework, I was helping S with homework, and the subject never came up. W did stay home last night, didn't run away, got up with me this morning, and brought me coffee. Not a LOT of conversation, could tell she had a lot on her mind, but was still pleasant anyway.
I'm not going to bring the subject up for now, I'll wait until she does. We have a C session on Thursday, and I had thought about not going, but am thinking now that I should. This may be a better time and place to initiate it.
MF - I'm glad you see me as an inspiration. I don't know if my plight is any worse than anybody else's, but it does seem to be somewhat different than many others! Thanks for your prayers, my family definitely needs them at this time.
Kent - I have been giving this a lot of thought, and am trying to "act", and not "react". I saw the problems with D starting many years ago. There was a lot of denial on W's part, and I didn't have the skills necessary to talk to W about it without causing her to be defensive. W has told me many times that I was right, she should have listened to me. W does want D out of the house, is torn about this, has feelings of betraying D. I tried to step back from a lot of this, felt this is something W had to do on her own to be at peace with the decision. She HAS tried some things to help, has run into a few walls, and seems to get overwhelmed and give up. I may not have REALLY been listening beyond some of the words that W has said to me, may have overlooked her true meaning and intentions. There have been times that she has told me that I have things inside of me that she doesn't, especially when it comes to problem solving, some things concerning the children. Has she been trying to tell me she WANTS me to take this over, and I haven't really "listened"? If so, there's a definite communication breakdown that needs to be addressed, too much mind-reading. Part of her personality profile consists of living in the here and now, relishing drama, and avoiding looking at the long term consequences of her actions. Getting easily overwhelmed with negative thoughts under stress. Is she counting on me to take over?
As for the letters, I'm really not dwelling on the past. Like Greg has said about himself, I feel I may have gone TOO dark for a while, and I have accepted the part I may have played in some of the things that happened. I'm concerned now about the present and the future. Some of the letters to the inmate are fairly recent, just a few months old. What's going to happen when he's released soon and seeks out his "friend"? I don't want him sitting in there thinking he has a place to come to when he gets out while I'm here. She denies contacting om, and a big part of me believes her. He's in one of his "moods" where he's calling her and leaving nasty messages. There's strong indications that D is running with him, both of them using. Getting pretty difficult for me to just "let it go". The cesspool is overflowing into my backyard, and it's starting to stink BAD! Whether or not it's a control thing, I feel it's time for me to take charge.
Hi Lee! - I'm pretty calm now. I've channeled the anger into a determination for resolution. I feel this is the only way for me to remain strong and healthy without leaving again. And I'm not leaving. Going away for a couple of days MIGHT help, but it would be more of the same of what I did in the past. Didn't always work very well. I'm determined to stay this time, and hopefully W and I can do this together. Don't worry, I'm going to keep my wits about me and not do the raging bull thing!
Peace to everyone. Will probably be very busy the next couple of days, and will check back in as soon as I can.
JJ
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JJ, Do what ya gotta do. D needs a dose of "the law". You know my solution for OM. The same applies to D's little sleep over buddy and the jail bird.
Sounds like your approaching resolution to the ongoing problems associated with disrespect and immorality. Make sure of each and every step you take. You don't want to slip on any sleeze and get dirty yourself.
Not much time to post, just wanted to let everyone know things are cool. C session went well, I "appreciated" to W about the way she is with people, so kind, open-hearted, caring, and forgiving. Told her that a part of me wishes that I was like that, but I'm not. I see things differently, have less compassion for people who have burned me. She started tweaking about me taking the letters, invading her privacy. I sincerely apologized, what I did was truly wrong. Anyway, I got around to the points about me thinking differently about the definition of "strength", how I wanted to put the past behind me and move forward without the "darker elements of society" coming back around. That it wasn't about her, wasn't about OR, but it was about me, and what I would accept for my life. That I would do whatever it took to make these things happen. I made it all about me, not about her. I almost sensed a certain amount of relief in her after this.
She withdrew a bit. She had to go to work, but wanted to talk later. We did a little, and things were cool. She drew closer, hugs and hand-holding. Said how awful it must be for me to go through all this. That she was sorry. That she truly does love me.
The "freedom" (not sure if that's really quite the right term) I gave her at first worked well to draw her back. It seems that what works for the short-term may not always work well forever. It seems she's tired of all the responsibility of doing things the way she wants, is overwhelmed, and is wanting the stability and strength I have to offer. Matters not, I guess this falls more into the category of taking care of yourself first, and the R will fall into place.
I DO tend to think too much at times, I guess. And I DO tend to get long-winded, take too long to get to my point. I often lose and confuse my W when I'm talking to her. I'm sure you've never noticed this about me in the length of my posts, right?! Something else for me to work on!
Have a great weekend, y'all!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Weekend went GREAT, had a wonderful day together yesterday, shopping, dining, talking, got away from the house and took a "mini-vacation". Not a lot of OR stuff in a sense, just more recognition and appreciation of both of our strengths and weaknesses, and how we complement each other. She sees me as a strong person, one that deserves respect, and admitted she hasn't been showing it to me like she should. She's willingly reaching out her hand for help, and it seems like she's ready to accept it now.
Had a school / homework issue involving step-S last night, one she involved me in. She told me she wants to do with him like I've been doing with her, helping to guide him through his problems without doing everything for him. Try to make him feel a little less overwhelmed about life. Hard to describe how this made my heart feel!
May not be posting much for a while, I have a house to get back in order. Seems like trying something different DOES work, no matter how drastic it may feel. Feels like I'm moving into a new phase of DB'ing, entering more of a place of SBT'ing for the problems in our lives. Wish me luck!!
Thanks, everyone. You all are the GREATEST!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Maybe time to ween yourself from the BB a bit JJ. Especially if you find you really don't need the support anymore. I come back when I find time rather than making time to be here. Makes it easier to find other activities to fill your days and nights. I start some new activities with the kids this fall which I expect will consume most of my down time.
