Well, the "talk" didn't happen last night. We talked briefly on the phone, and I guess that was enough for now. She asked me if I had taken the letters, and I admitted to it. She was distressed about it, that I had violated trust, but started mumbling about what I (me) was going through, how she understood how I couldn't trust, etc. I reminded her about the evening she was terrified, how she felt there was something "dark and bad" in the house, and that I wanted anything that contributed to that out of the house. She had another call coming in, and that was the end of it.
Anyway, she was shopping when I got home, so I spent some time with step-S. She messaged me to see where I was, if I needed anything, was glad I was home with him. It's a great gift to her for me to spend time with him, and it seems to work well for ALL of us. Step-S and I are becoming pretty good buds, and he's really starting to pay attention to things I say. I guess he's even defending me whenever step-D has anything bad to say about me. Evening was pleasant, she initiated a couple of BIG hugs, and some small kisses. She was busy doing housework, I was helping S with homework, and the subject never came up. W did stay home last night, didn't run away, got up with me this morning, and brought me coffee. Not a LOT of conversation, could tell she had a lot on her mind, but was still pleasant anyway.
I'm not going to bring the subject up for now, I'll wait until she does. We have a C session on Thursday, and I had thought about not going, but am thinking now that I should. This may be a better time and place to initiate it.
MF - I'm glad you see me as an inspiration. I don't know if my plight is any worse than anybody else's, but it does seem to be somewhat different than many others! Thanks for your prayers, my family definitely needs them at this time.
Kent - I have been giving this a lot of thought, and am trying to "act", and not "react". I saw the problems with D starting many years ago. There was a lot of denial on W's part, and I didn't have the skills necessary to talk to W about it without causing her to be defensive. W has told me many times that I was right, she should have listened to me. W does want D out of the house, is torn about this, has feelings of betraying D. I tried to step back from a lot of this, felt this is something W had to do on her own to be at peace with the decision. She HAS tried some things to help, has run into a few walls, and seems to get overwhelmed and give up. I may not have REALLY been listening beyond some of the words that W has said to me, may have overlooked her true meaning and intentions. There have been times that she has told me that I have things inside of me that she doesn't, especially when it comes to problem solving, some things concerning the children. Has she been trying to tell me she WANTS me to take this over, and I haven't really "listened"? If so, there's a definite communication breakdown that needs to be addressed, too much mind-reading. Part of her personality profile consists of living in the here and now, relishing drama, and avoiding looking at the long term consequences of her actions. Getting easily overwhelmed with negative thoughts under stress. Is she counting on me to take over?
As for the letters, I'm really not dwelling on the past. Like Greg has said about himself, I feel I may have gone TOO dark for a while, and I have accepted the part I may have played in some of the things that happened. I'm concerned now about the present and the future. Some of the letters to the inmate are fairly recent, just a few months old. What's going to happen when he's released soon and seeks out his "friend"? I don't want him sitting in there thinking he has a place to come to when he gets out while I'm here. She denies contacting om, and a big part of me believes her. He's in one of his "moods" where he's calling her and leaving nasty messages. There's strong indications that D is running with him, both of them using. Getting pretty difficult for me to just "let it go". The cesspool is overflowing into my backyard, and it's starting to stink BAD! Whether or not it's a control thing, I feel it's time for me to take charge.
Hi Lee! - I'm pretty calm now. I've channeled the anger into a determination for resolution. I feel this is the only way for me to remain strong and healthy without leaving again. And I'm not leaving. Going away for a couple of days MIGHT help, but it would be more of the same of what I did in the past. Didn't always work very well. I'm determined to stay this time, and hopefully W and I can do this together. Don't worry, I'm going to keep my wits about me and not do the raging bull thing!
Peace to everyone. Will probably be very busy the next couple of days, and will check back in as soon as I can.
JJ
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