Alex - Don't fret, you're welcome here anytime! I think Kent's right about backing out of his battle. The best you can do is to be there to listen to him. As I think you already know, there won't be a thing you can TELL either him or your sister right now.
You didn't mention the ages of the kids, but I think the best thing you may be able to do right now is to give THEM a break, get them out of some of the chaos, give them some stability in their lives. They're probably much in need of it right now. This would also help to give BIL a break, let him work through some of the stuff that he needs to without worrying so much about them.
Good luck. Seems sometimes that no matter how much good advice we get, or how many times we've seen other people go through the same things, we don't always learn until we do it ourselves. This seems to be where your S and BIL are at.
Thanks for your kind comments. Seems that damn center keeps moving around on me, gets pretty hard to hit the target at times!!
Kent - I think that sometimes, in my situation, I have a difficult time separating which are her issues, and which are OUR issues. She is the type of person with very few boundaries concerning others, and sometimes the fall-out from this starts crossing into my boundaries. For a period of time, it has worked for me to step way back and be "strong", to compassionately deal with the overflow of the consequences of her actions. That time is coming to a close.
In all the advice I've been given of being "strong", I have taken this to be like I described above, to just shake the water off my back. This is no longer working for me. I have reached (or re-reached) the point in the R where I am the one who "cares the least", and feel I have nothing to lose if this R doesn't continue. This time, I have a greater sense of peace that I have done all (or more) than a person can do. There's a part of me that knows W has to work her stuff out on her own, and there's another part of me that thinks she either doesn't want to, or just plain can't. That she wants someone to take charge of some of the things in her life, no matter how much she fights it. Either way doesn't matter. I have drawn back on too many of my boundaries, accepted too many "unfortunate" circumstances, and am personally suffering too many of the consequences of HER actions.
Maybe my "strength" should lay in a more biblical sense, as more of a leader of the family. A protector. As you've said before, there are predators out there, and they seem to be drawn to my family, and my family drawn to them. I can no longer accept or tolerate the presence or influences of these people in MY life. If any member of my family chooses to continue their associations with the lower layers of society, they will be free to find a different place to live. I will no longer subject MY life to these influences. I have wavered on my boundaries and accepted these things for far too long. Am I angry? No, just tired of it. I deserve a better life, and I will have it!
Tonight will be a true test. Step-D's BF brought her home last Thursday night after her being gone for 2 days. They came in after I was asleep, he spent the night as he was going to jail for the next 30 days on charges for the drug lab in our garage. W couldn't handle it, so she took off. I had no idea he was there, and she didn't wake me up to tell me. The next morning, I went "snooping", and retrieved letters she had received from one of the people who was hanging around the house while I was gone who is now in jail for 2 years (seemingly non-romantic R, although it sounds like it wasn't his fault.) I also took letters that om had written her that were still in the house. She discovered they were missing, somehow step-D saw them in my car. A violation of trust on my part? Yes, it was, and I'll admit to it. I sometimes don't know if I'd be better off not knowing a lot of what's going on, to be able to quit checking. However, under all these circumstances, I feel there is a need, if for nothing else than my own protection. If she wants these letters back, I will gladly mail them to her at her new address. Our house will be exorcised from the demons that she has nightmares about.
W and I strongly suspect D is using drugs again, and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot we can do about it at this point. W's immediate reaction is to hide within herself, and I let her know that I can't have her do that, that I need her here with me. D's saying things about some of the things that W does when she goes MIA, and I have issues with trusting ANYBODY lately. I guess I'll be safest in not believing anything I hear, and only half of what I see.
I guess this will be my way of choosing a positive reaction to the stress. By chopping off a few of it's limbs, keeping it from knocking on my door, and maybe stopping others from inviting it in.
Yes, Kent, I went away for the day Saturday and did something new. Got me away from the chaos for a bit, and helped me focus and what things I think I want, and what things are acceptable for my life. What's happening right now isn't acceptable to me, and I am the only one that can change it.
Tonight will be a show-down of sorts. No ultimatums, no threats, no accusations, just a definite clarification of my boundaries. Wish me luck. Definitely trying something different, we'll see what happens.
[ September 24, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
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