Hey gang! Wow, quite a new look to the board! We'll see how we all adapt to the changes!
Things are going ok, W seems to be drawing back a little closer. It seems the things I talked about at the last C session broke things out of the limbo that we were in, may have shook her up just a bit. Doing something different every once in a while, right?!
It was kinda funny/ironic/strange on my night out last week. She sent me a couple of text messages while I was out, and was worried about my condition when it came to driving home. She thought I may have had too much to drink (which I didn't), wanted me to either get a ride or stay at a friend's house. She wrote "Don't make me stay up all nite worrying about you!". I found this rather humorous myself, things are a little different when the shoe's on the other foot!
Weekend went ok. She had a reality-check on some of her legal issues Friday, which slapped her pretty hard in the face. I took S to a movie Friday nite, getting both him and me away from the house. She wrote to me while I was in the movie that she was lonely for me, was sad in her heart. That she felt she needs me, she knows she's selfish, and she truly loves me. Please hurry home. She was kind of a mess this weekend, so I went and picked up some old movies, and we just sat around and I comforted her. She was very appreciative of that. I treated her a little different than I usually would have during these times, I didn't try to "help" her through it, I was just there for her. Tried to not treat her any different than I would have during a "good" time. Seemed to work pretty well.
Monday night was a big blow-out with step-D, and I pretty much stayed out of it. She was going psycho, literally, and W handled it very, very well. She changed the usual steps of her dance, which totally blow away step-D. D tried her best to get everyone else in the house wrapped up in the drama, and it didn't work. I let W know how great I thought she did that night.
Tuesday was a C session, originally set up just for me, but I invited W along to go over what happened the night before. I again praised her for how she acted, and how she didn't react, and so did the C. W left shortly, she didn't want to interrupt MY session time. She asked me later how it went, and I stayed pretty vague in my answers.
C and I talked about how I was doing, how I was handling things. We talked about some of what W's going through, how she is, and how she is like D in many ways. Tendencies towards borderline personality. Very cyclic in her moods and reactions. C wants me to very noticeable of the fine line distinction of the cycle swings, and to not take things personal!! That W's headed towards more balance on this. C thinks I'm doing ok, noticing some of these things the way I do. As I told her, I have to find some of the fine line differences between being supportive of W and enabling her. She does think that either al-anon or a co-dependency group would be good for me.
All in all, things are going ok. W has many things to work through yet, and I see her doing just that. Not as quickly as I may wish, though, but she's doing it. She needs the space to do this, just as I needed the space before. As I told the C, it's hard to understand unless you've been there, but the time we had apart was good for me, taught me many good things. It seems W's not running quite so far away, quite so often, and is returning back a little sooner and a little stronger.
Progress, not perfection! Hope everyone's doing well.
[ September 20, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Sorry, frustrating day. Wondering whether it's really all worth it. Wondering if things are ever going to be at a place to where I really want them to be.
I'm finding myself almost detaching TOO much, being too prepared to be alright if things don't work out. Running into the danger of this becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm at the point right now where I just want to tell her she should move out until she can get her life together, that I can't handle any more of the crap, and am ready to move forward either with or without her.
I'm finding myself thinking about what I really want out of a relationship, knowing that I'm not getting it right now, and wondering if I ever WILL get it with my W. Wondering if I came back too soon, if she needed to work out more things on her own without me being there. Wondering if I came back too late, if too much damage has been done. Thinking that I'm her anchor right now, and wondering whether it's an anchor that's keeping her grounded, or an anchor that's holding her back from doing the things she wants and needs to do. Whether this is a phase she's going through, or whether this is going to be a life-long struggle.
It's not really the OR stuff that's getting me down, it's all the other crap that goes on in our lives. I'm tired of being the "rock" in the household, I find myself at times wanting to be as irresponsible as she is. Hide and run from the problems like she does. I'm tired of being patient and understanding.
I must be feeling a little weak today, having a little pity-party for myself. Thinking too much! Taking too much upon myself? Must be time to go back and read through my old posts and see where I was compared to where I'm at now. I'm sure I'll re-read this in a day or two and find some clues on what I need to do from here.
Just venting a bit, thanks for listening. I WILL HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!! Hope you all do, too!
[ September 21, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
JJ, Been watching you like a little bird. I've watched you build up to pulling a Kent. Time to take a break and stop working on the R. As Me2 says, "Live Life". Give up on all this R work stuff for a while and take the break you so desparately need. Let W flop around by herself for a while. Let her pick up the slack.
You're right again, Kent. Something that's been flowing heavily through my mind lately. It's that good ol' see-saw thing, not only in OR, but in our life in general. My W runs heavily off of her emotions and feelings, and I end up picking up too much of the stability slack. Probably makes me look boring in her eyes, less exciting, and overwhelms me with too much responsibility.
I missed you, buddy! Sounds like you're doing good. Thanks for the reminder!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
JJ, Like me you still have a way to go with your ability to deflect "her issues". It's a form of button pushing in that it initiates a reaction from us that is not pretty or healthy. Our job is to re-train our auto-pilot or give-up using it.
I've been laying low lately. Trying to relax a little bit and smell the roses. My greatest enemy is my own mind. It's almost as if when things are going well, I need to create a reason to beleive otherwise. Alot of it has to do with stress. Stress in our environment, our workplace and our home. Funny how we choose our reaction to this stress. Why can't we choose a positive reaction? I guess it would'nt be stress then, would it?
Try to take the weekend to relax. Get away and do something new.
Hi guys, I'd like to butt in here for a moment. Jamesjohn, you do sound like you're doing much better, in spite of the setbacks. It's almost as if you are getting more and more centred and your w, as a result, is flailing around in circles. Keep doing what you're doing, but as Kent says, live life.
I have a question. My state of affairs is going quite well these days, but my sister took a deep dive into the mlc goo about 6-8 months ago, has had an obsessive affair with a less than savoury character and she has left my bil (doctor, has time managment and other sorts of human flaws, but basically a good guy). He's so filled with anger and resentment over her behaviour. Now the affair has cooled, and she's not come back home and I think that's why he's so p**sed off, but it's not getting him anywhere. He's become very very negative, and I've been trying to tell him to see a lawyer, because my sis is going to get a legal separation so she can have the kids live with her now. He's been shouldering most of the parenting plus a 70-hour-a-week job (she doesn't work). I'm asking you because you're guys and have been through this. How do I get my bil to calm down, stop reacting, etc. Should I pull a 180 and tell him maybe he should give up? I've been trying to tell him his kids need him (he's been talkign about how he's already dead, so he might as well work himself into an early grave). Maybe I should do the opposite? My sister, I realize, is quite beyond any talks, etc. at the moment. Should I try the same on her? Maybe agree with her that it was all a waste of time? The marriage I mean? I've asked also on Snodderly's thread for advice, but I'd welcome you guy's perspectives. Thanks.
My advice is give BIL the DB book and tell him it helped you save your marriage. Write the BB web address inside the cover. Then back out of fighting his battle.
Kent, thanks for your response. My story is woven into others' threads. Rdiculous thing is my sister lived through the whole mlc of my h with me for three years. She knew what he did to me. In retrospect, she was starting into this about the same time my h did -- she was out dancing the night away three years ago, before I knew what my h was up to, and he was tsk-tsking about her behaviour -- how stupid I feel looking back. But no matter. My bil has the DB book -- I gave it to him about 18 months ago. My sister even commented how the book had gotten through to him because he was being so much nicer to her (I remember thinking at the time how much SHE needed to read it, but she's very headstrong about taking other people's advice). Anyway, he has the book, and I've told him about the website. I have also tried to tell him that his anger will do him no good, and tried to tell him how I worked through a lot of my own demons in this process, but esssentially you're right -- he needs to battle it himself.
JJ, I'm sorry for taking over your thread like this. I have been reading it for an eternity and commend you on your perseverence and insight. If your w never turns around and becomes straightened out, you have grown and matured a lot.
Alex - Don't fret, you're welcome here anytime! I think Kent's right about backing out of his battle. The best you can do is to be there to listen to him. As I think you already know, there won't be a thing you can TELL either him or your sister right now.
You didn't mention the ages of the kids, but I think the best thing you may be able to do right now is to give THEM a break, get them out of some of the chaos, give them some stability in their lives. They're probably much in need of it right now. This would also help to give BIL a break, let him work through some of the stuff that he needs to without worrying so much about them.
Good luck. Seems sometimes that no matter how much good advice we get, or how many times we've seen other people go through the same things, we don't always learn until we do it ourselves. This seems to be where your S and BIL are at.
Thanks for your kind comments. Seems that damn center keeps moving around on me, gets pretty hard to hit the target at times!!
Kent - I think that sometimes, in my situation, I have a difficult time separating which are her issues, and which are OUR issues. She is the type of person with very few boundaries concerning others, and sometimes the fall-out from this starts crossing into my boundaries. For a period of time, it has worked for me to step way back and be "strong", to compassionately deal with the overflow of the consequences of her actions. That time is coming to a close.
In all the advice I've been given of being "strong", I have taken this to be like I described above, to just shake the water off my back. This is no longer working for me. I have reached (or re-reached) the point in the R where I am the one who "cares the least", and feel I have nothing to lose if this R doesn't continue. This time, I have a greater sense of peace that I have done all (or more) than a person can do. There's a part of me that knows W has to work her stuff out on her own, and there's another part of me that thinks she either doesn't want to, or just plain can't. That she wants someone to take charge of some of the things in her life, no matter how much she fights it. Either way doesn't matter. I have drawn back on too many of my boundaries, accepted too many "unfortunate" circumstances, and am personally suffering too many of the consequences of HER actions.
Maybe my "strength" should lay in a more biblical sense, as more of a leader of the family. A protector. As you've said before, there are predators out there, and they seem to be drawn to my family, and my family drawn to them. I can no longer accept or tolerate the presence or influences of these people in MY life. If any member of my family chooses to continue their associations with the lower layers of society, they will be free to find a different place to live. I will no longer subject MY life to these influences. I have wavered on my boundaries and accepted these things for far too long. Am I angry? No, just tired of it. I deserve a better life, and I will have it!
Tonight will be a true test. Step-D's BF brought her home last Thursday night after her being gone for 2 days. They came in after I was asleep, he spent the night as he was going to jail for the next 30 days on charges for the drug lab in our garage. W couldn't handle it, so she took off. I had no idea he was there, and she didn't wake me up to tell me. The next morning, I went "snooping", and retrieved letters she had received from one of the people who was hanging around the house while I was gone who is now in jail for 2 years (seemingly non-romantic R, although it sounds like it wasn't his fault.) I also took letters that om had written her that were still in the house. She discovered they were missing, somehow step-D saw them in my car. A violation of trust on my part? Yes, it was, and I'll admit to it. I sometimes don't know if I'd be better off not knowing a lot of what's going on, to be able to quit checking. However, under all these circumstances, I feel there is a need, if for nothing else than my own protection. If she wants these letters back, I will gladly mail them to her at her new address. Our house will be exorcised from the demons that she has nightmares about.
W and I strongly suspect D is using drugs again, and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot we can do about it at this point. W's immediate reaction is to hide within herself, and I let her know that I can't have her do that, that I need her here with me. D's saying things about some of the things that W does when she goes MIA, and I have issues with trusting ANYBODY lately. I guess I'll be safest in not believing anything I hear, and only half of what I see.
I guess this will be my way of choosing a positive reaction to the stress. By chopping off a few of it's limbs, keeping it from knocking on my door, and maybe stopping others from inviting it in.
Yes, Kent, I went away for the day Saturday and did something new. Got me away from the chaos for a bit, and helped me focus and what things I think I want, and what things are acceptable for my life. What's happening right now isn't acceptable to me, and I am the only one that can change it.
Tonight will be a show-down of sorts. No ultimatums, no threats, no accusations, just a definite clarification of my boundaries. Wish me luck. Definitely trying something different, we'll see what happens.
[ September 24, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hope everyone's doing well.
