Sorry, frustrating day. Wondering whether it's really all worth it. Wondering if things are ever going to be at a place to where I really want them to be.
I'm finding myself almost detaching TOO much, being too prepared to be alright if things don't work out. Running into the danger of this becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm at the point right now where I just want to tell her she should move out until she can get her life together, that I can't handle any more of the crap, and am ready to move forward either with or without her.
I'm finding myself thinking about what I really want out of a relationship, knowing that I'm not getting it right now, and wondering if I ever WILL get it with my W. Wondering if I came back too soon, if she needed to work out more things on her own without me being there. Wondering if I came back too late, if too much damage has been done. Thinking that I'm her anchor right now, and wondering whether it's an anchor that's keeping her grounded, or an anchor that's holding her back from doing the things she wants and needs to do. Whether this is a phase she's going through, or whether this is going to be a life-long struggle.
It's not really the OR stuff that's getting me down, it's all the other crap that goes on in our lives. I'm tired of being the "rock" in the household, I find myself at times wanting to be as irresponsible as she is. Hide and run from the problems like she does. I'm tired of being patient and understanding.
I must be feeling a little weak today, having a little pity-party for myself. Thinking too much! Taking too much upon myself? Must be time to go back and read through my old posts and see where I was compared to where I'm at now. I'm sure I'll re-read this in a day or two and find some clues on what I need to do from here.
Just venting a bit, thanks for listening. I WILL HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!! Hope you all do, too!
[ September 21, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
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