Didn't have a chance to let W take the lead yesterday. I was put on the spot, so I said what I was going to say. Was met with mostly defensive reactions, which is what I kinda expected. It started getting into a pissing match about details on specific incidents, and that's where the C stopped us. She noticed that we were just basically "exchanging data", and were getting nowhere. That's when the C decided to go over the results of our personality tests with us. She went over how W and I were almost totally opposite in some, maybe most, areas. The biggest, most important area was in the "Deciding" category, with W scoring VERY high in Feeling, and me scoring VERY high in thinking. Therein lays a lot of the communication issues. We don't always understand what motivates each other to make the decisions we do. Being totally opposite in this area can cause a lot of grief in a R. She wants us to both be more aware of what is motivating us to do the things we do, the decisions we each make. She emphasized to me quite a few times that W's not intentionally doing things to hurt me, she just doesn't always put a lot of thought into things. I'm not quite sure where I stand on this, and if this is something I can learn to live with, desensitize myself, if it's something W can and will work on, we can work on together, or what. I'll have to "think" about this one for awhile. We could easily "polarize" on this, with me being too stable, and her being too flighty, which is something I think may have happened in the past. We did both agree that when we put our heads together and search for solutions, we can come up with some pretty damn good stuff, better than either of us can do on our own.
C explained to me that I was in a crisis in the "perception" area, torn between being "sensing" and "intuitive". I'm having a hard time trusting, both people and the way I perceive what's going on around me. I guess this stems from my little world between torn apart, a lot of the things I depended on to be true being different from what they actually were. Something I have to work on.
The discussion of this led me into talking about my insecurities about om. How when W goes MIA, when she goes into her "secret life", my first reaction is that it's because of him. That even though W's assured me that they are through, I haven't worked all the way through this yet. The way she is, and the way she raised the kids, is that saying "I'm sorry" takes care of everything, and there's instant forgiveness. I often wish this was something that was inside me, but, at this time and under these circumstances, it's not. I guess believe in "penance", not necessarily punishment, but doing things to show how sorry you are, and truly doing your best to not do these things again. Maybe something else I need to work on.
Anyway, when the om subject was brought up, W shortly left to go to the restroom. C and I talked a bit, about how I don't trust, how I can usually feel when W's hiding something from me, and when I check it out, my suspicions are usually confirmed. This got into the chicken and the egg thing on the trust issues, am I betraying trust by checking, or is she betraying trust by lying. W walked back in the room shortly, and the C mentioned she wanted to talk to me more, alone, and scheduled an individual appointment for me next week. W got an odd, almost worried, look on her face about this.
W's been trying to be too "in tune" to my facial expressions when I talk, reading too much into my "thinking faces". She sees me being disgusted, disapproving, condencending, or whatever. No, I'm just thinking.
We never agreed on the issue of her checking in when she's going to be out all night. I guess this is just something I'll have to let go of again. She seems to think of this as a permission thing, a controlling thing, which is not my intention. But if she perceives it to be this way, then, to her, it is the truth.
Session ended weird, no hug or kiss. We went and had a drink afterwards, not much talk. She said she was "going through a lot of feelings". I left her shortly, went home, and cooked dinner for the kids. She was out all night again, but was home when I got out of the shower. Not a whole lot said, but not a hostile atmosphere, and got a couple of hugs and kisses goodbyes.
There's a lot we have to work on, both individually and together. I emphasized a few times that I'm still not totally sure things were guaranteed to work, that I, too, had some doubts. That maybe we weren't quite ready to work on OR until some other issues were addressed. I have been seeing a lot of the see-saw effect going on, and I am working too hard at times on the R, so, therefore, she doesn't have to. She brought up the fact of all the books I read, research I've done, and how it makes her feel guilty. I reassured her that I'm not doing this all for her and for OR, that I'm doing it for me. So THERE!
So now it's time to sit back and see what happens next. I may have done some back-sliding, only time will tell. Back to the do nothing, detach, pma, catching her doing things right, etc., etc., things that worked before. Wish me luck!
JJ
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