You avoid talking about it because getting into a fight about it with your SO is stressful. This ain’t going away anytime soon. You are just going to have to deal with getting into fights about it. I am not suggesting that fights are a good thing, but you have to keep this at the front of her mind. She cannot be allowed to sink into her comfort zone thinking everything is fine with being LD. It is up to you to make it not fine.
She is only ever going to begin to change her ways and address the issue if you are making it not fine. Really I would lay it on the line with her and say “I want this issue addressed or we are not getting married. Our SL used to be great, you developed a pregnancy phobia, you need to get that sorted out or we ain’t getting married” That is the bottom line, if she starts blame-shifting and coming up with a bunch of excuses or things you could try, then just repeat that the bottom line is you’re not marrying her unless the issue gets resolved.
Take it from me who has been married 15 years you do not want to go into marriage with a habit of miscommunication. Next time she falls asleep on you that way wake her up, tell that it is not OK to fall asleep on you. If that puts her in a bad mood fine, don’t worry about it, the job is done and next time she will think twice.
Getting into fights is something we all fear, our SOs have ways of pressing our buttons and making us lose our rags. The more you face that challenge and learn techniques of not getting pulled into it by her the more you can get better at communicating with her.
Lots of things to do: Read Lilliepearls thread “come to your senses” it helps when you are getting stressed out Stay on message, don’t react to what she says, listen to it, try to think about what she is protecting by saying what she says. Try to remain “above” the fray, look at her and think about something like how flushed her cheeks look, or the way her lips move or something that helps take the sting of her words away and leave your mind calmer so you can stay on message easier rather than just give as good as you get. Do not allow any shouting, verbal abuse, name calling etc.
Example conversation: _________________ Sammy: I am still not happy about our SL GF: That’s because blah, blah Or I know you’re not honey but I am doing my best
Sammy: How is falling asleep on me when I do the things you say you like doing your best?
GF: I can’t help falling asleep
Sammy: Yes you can, you can think “it would be really nice for Sammy if we made love – so I am going to get over myself and just do it”
GF: Well I just can’t do that, you don’t understand how I feel. Your great big paws all over me – blah blah
Sammy: I know I don’t understand but that’s not the point, you need to understand how you feel and come up with some way of not feeling like that.
GF: So why is it my problem – you’re the sex maniac?
Sammy: Yes I am a sex maniac, I am a you maniac and I like having sex with you. Our SL used to be great, and something about you has changed. You either work on yourself to sort this out or we don’t get married. _______________________ You have the HUGE advantage over most of the rest of us here in that you are not yet married and don’t have kids. For that reason you have great leverage in the situation. You might just want to add that you have no qualms about getting D if the situation reverts back once the rings are on.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
