Some of you might have read my thread a couple days ago asking for advice. I guess I am back asking for more advice.
As you might know I am HD my SO of four years is LD. Last month we read STM togethor and made soem strides toward improvement but recently I have felt sex to be a way to appease me and I feel like we are sliding back to our old ways.
My current delema is how to deal with the feelings of our 'old ways' coming back. Especially since discussing this with her can get ugly and is typically very stressfull.
As I explained in my prior thread we went out of town this weekend and we both forgot our contraceptives, but she really didn't care. We still had a fun weekend with lots of EC and on Sunday night when we got home thier was potental for ML but it didn't happen. After all we have been through neither she nor I have any clear idea how to turn her on, except she recomends just 'resting' my hand on her inner thigh or vagina in a way that eventually it will get her in the mood or atleast more receptive. We ended up cuddling in bed and I fell asleep spooning her with my hand positioned in this particular way. She apparently was never turned on, or took this action as a que from we I might be in the mood.
The next night I suprised her when she came home from work with a dvd she had wanted to rent and we watched it together while I gave her a back rub. We went to bed and she mentioned that I should roll over so she could spoon me and rub my stomach and side. I thought and hoped she might be initiating because her request was kind of rare. She ended up rubbing my stomach and sides and running her fingures around my body but she NEVER gave any que that this was a sexual rub....she loves to rub me but it always remains strictly platonic and this drives me crazy. So after a while of her giving me a nice rub that was far from being sexual and no que that she might want to do any thing sexual I roll over and rub her in a similar fashion but eventually we end up in a postion that I am spooning her and my hand is 'resting' on her vagina. Every thing still seemed nice and relaxed but she quickly fell alseep apparently without getting turned on or taking the resting hand on her vagina as any que I might want to do somthing sexual. It is her own suggestion that I use that method as a way to initiate becuase it would make her feel more comfortable, and not pressured. Yet two straight nights it results in her just rolling over and going to sleep.
So I end up laying there in bed thinking to my self that within this relationship I have absolutly no control or influence on when we ML, and any event or action that seems to get her in the mood never works a second time. So I am feeling like I never know when we will make love, I feel I have no inlfluence on the situation and this also makes me feel incredibaly unattractive to her and my self esteem is very low. I feel unattractive and frustrated. Any way...I am laying there tossing and turning not able to sleep due to these feelings. I end up getting up and going onto he web for somthing to do and she wakes up do to me getting up. She follows me into the room and askes if every thing is all right and I reply, "Yeah I just can't sleep." I can't bring it up now because it is sooo late and any discussion is going to get stressfull and carry late into the night. Now this morning I didn't feel like talking either just because I had to go to work and she kept asking me what was wrong, because I was acting weird, but I can't just fake acting happy. So she ended up getting mad at me for acting like I was crabby but I just couldn't deal with discussing our sex life at the moment and discussing my feelings rarely helps any way...so what was the point? Now I am home and she will be home from work soon and I have no idea how to deal with this. She is probaly going to keep asking me what is wrong but talking about this is only going to end up like it does every other time and I never feel like the hasstle and stress of discussing the issue ends up being worth it...because it just ends up happening again a few weeks later.
I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this and no idea what to do.
Every time we talk about this I beg her for somthing I can do to help the situation and she gives me somthign that I can do. I end up doing what ever she suggests but the problems comes back in a couple of weeks. I have tried every thing isn't it her turn to look inward at why she has such a low libido? I feel like I have been incredibly patient, and willing to take responsibilty for my part in this but isn't it her turn to do somthing? When we read STM we wrote down goals that we had for the relationship and things we could do to help each other reach them. I have revisted those goals a few times over the past few weeks but I am positive she has not looked at them or acted on them. Is the LD partner content in the sex they are having so they tend to just not think about the problem? because that is how I feel she acts. She just wants to ignore the situation and hope it goes away all the while I feel lonely, unattractive and frustrated.
