..."force her", I presume you do not mean that literally?
The thing about the celebrity seems like a smoke screen, that does not add up. It sounds to me like she might be afraid to tell you the truth so she may be saying whatever comes to mind to avoid the subject or further conversation.
Does she elaborate on the "bad things" that you remind her of?
As far as my situation goes, there was more of the same (she talks about it, but nothing happens) this past weekend. Anyway, I really do not know where to go with all his any more. Trying to stay positive, but grasping for straws.
The MC recently told her that there is no way for the relationship to last without sex. Also, that she does have a responsibility to work on it. She just thinks that she does not want it so I should just deal with it. Anyway, she did not like what he had to say and discounted it later. In a weird way, I do understand her position. She is not into ML so why do it? At the same time, obviously I feel it's essential to the R. I am conflicted. I do not know what to do.
Of course I dont R her, but it feels like I am doing it to her and not with her.
The celebrity thing is real, I dont think she is having an affair. She just seems to feel that everything relating to her friends is more important than me or our daughter. She still says she L me and gives me H&K's but they feel hollow to me. The hug with a pat is a dead give away from her, thats the way she hugs my sister she hates.
yes she has been specific about some of the things that happened to her in the past and the O part of sex was the bomb she dropped. Said it reminded her of the past. Umm, we have been doing that for years everytime, so now its a problem.
The last "Just get it over with" was unprecidented, never happened before.
I have been pulling back from her fantasy and not following the Cheesless tunnels, but some are hard to resist.
I guess this is just a midlife thing for her, but its hard to distinguish between that and an "I love you, but I am not In love with you" situation. I know people change, but shes lost it.
About the "celebrity issue"....I am a counselor and that kind of thing is a red flag for me in a counseling R. When people attach to unattainable object it speaks volumes about where they are psychologically. Is she in individual counseling? If not, I would really suggest it.
Thanks, no she is not. She tried it once and lost interest quickly, but that was back before she lost all her weight.
She mentioned after we ML once that she needed a S therapist to get passed the S problems. It did not go any further past that as the problems went away when she got back on the net and too her other friends.
She is away this weekend and I have removed all photos of her to try to help
I dont know that I would pressure her into it. I dont demand it of her, but I will give her a massage and it goes further or things just seem to happen. Lately, she is just not open to it at all. This would not amount to much, but combine that with the lack of interest in actively participating with the family, and the fake hugs and kisses and there it is.
I need someone's perspective. Somethings that are going on seem to point to my W's departure. Am I reading this wrong?
MC told her that the M would flat out fail without sex and she has responsibility to try. She was both offended by this and effectively blew it off. When the MC makes a point to that favors her, she's all for the MC. When MC makes one that favors me, the MC does not know anything and she is not doing it. She says we can schedule sex and she'll just "put up with it". Gee, thanks!
She is going on annual summer trip to see family, will be gone for 30 days. Last year, it was longer. When she is gone, her normal financial responsibilities just get transfered to me. I.e. not there, not her problem.
She is very persistent that we fix her credit. This is fine and good. However; it seems like we might just be paying off her debt so she can leave debt free.
She has been doing the pre-emptive "I so tired" every night when I get home. At this point, it's not like I expect anything. However; it seems she is just trying to avoid any sex before she leaves on the long trip.
She'll call and say she wants me to come home. When I ask why, she says she wants to see me. If I do go, she is involved in something esle by the time I get there and just ignores me. What's the point? To piss me off?
Same thing about sex. She'll say she "was" horny, but did nothing about it.
When I claim I am tired or frustrated or whatever, she comes back with "you're so funny" and proceeds to tell me how her life (as compared to my current issue) is so much harder in x, y, z categories. I mean, forget the fact that I have to manage everything except the house keeper and the kids (day time), what could I possibly be stressed out about?
I mean really...come on, it's like she incapable of seeing anyone else's perspective and certainly does not see or care about mine.
There seems to be a lot of wants; financial and emotional support (which never seems to be enough regardless) - but very little give from her end.
The MC asked her if she was trying to get me to divorce her. She was surprised by that comments and said "no." So anyway, it's not my mis-perceptions if the MC says it.
Good gosh, what have I gotten myself into? Someone tell me I am crazy for putting up with this.
Quote: I need someone's perspective. Somethings that are going on seem to point to my W's departure. Am I reading this wrong?
MC told her that the M would flat out fail without sex and she has responsibility to try. She was both offended by this and effectively blew it off. When the MC makes a point to that favors her, she's all for the MC. When MC makes one that favors me, the MC does not know anything and she is not doing it. She says we can schedule sex and she'll just "put up with it". Gee, thanks!
She is going on annual summer trip to see family, will be gone for 30 days. Last year, it was longer. When she is gone, her normal financial responsibilities just get transfered to me. I.e. not there, not her problem.
She is very persistent that we fix her credit. This is fine and good. However; it seems like we might just be paying off her debt so she can leave debt free.
She has been doing the pre-emptive "I so tired" every night when I get home. At this point, it's not like I expect anything. However; it seems she is just trying to avoid any sex before she leaves on the long trip.
She'll call and say she wants me to come home. When I ask why, she says she wants to see me. If I do go, she is involved in something esle by the time I get there and just ignores me. What's the point? To piss me off?
Same thing about sex. She'll say she "was" horny, but did nothing about it.
When I claim I am tired or frustrated or whatever, she comes back with "you're so funny" and proceeds to tell me how her life (as compared to my current issue) is so much harder in x, y, z categories. I mean, forget the fact that I have to manage everything except the house keeper and the kids (day time), what could I possibly be stressed out about?
I mean really...come on, it's like she incapable of seeing anyone else's perspective and certainly does not see or care about mine.
There seems to be a lot of wants; financial and emotional support (which never seems to be enough regardless) - but very little give from her end.
The MC asked her if she was trying to get me to divorce her. She was surprised by that comments and said "no." So anyway, it's not my mis-perceptions if the MC says it.
Good gosh, what have I gotten myself into? Someone tell me I am crazy for putting up with this.
Truman,
How long have you actually been married?
I am not a counseller obviously, but a few baby steps from this board have made me feel better very quickly.
A lot of your situation sounds similar to mine. The finances are the same, I handle everything, and when she is gone, she spends and does not think a thing about it. I am the one however, determined to payoff the debt, so we took out a debt consol loan which just came through and she told me to wait until we talked when she got back before I did anything about it. Well, the debts are hers from the travels, and I am done with paying the bills while she plays, however she is determined to keep having "fun".
When my wife complains about "being tired" or whatever, I ignore it and just play it by ear. I have asked her in the past if she wanted an obligation free massage so that we can have some contact, then she is not expecting any surprises. I dont know if that will help you, but at least its a step towards intimacy.
My wife will not go to a MC so thats one thing you have going for you, whether she listens or not, at least she is going.
As far as departure, I read something that sure helped me to step back a little. While there are obvious signs my wife is having issues in the bedroom such as closing the bathroom door when she is naked, I dont think she is leaving...yet. The thing I read was if you act and feel like it is over, one day it may come true. I do a lot of cycling and the same thing applies. If you look at the tree while riding you are certain to hit it. If you look at the trail and follow it, you will avoid hitting the tree all together. So dont read too much into it yet.
While I am sure our relationship cannot survive without S, I can give my wife a little time to sort her self out. THats what I am trying, but it sure is hard when she slaps me in the face with the door and such and says her idol is so cute and hes a S-God. (she does not say those things to my face anymore, she learned that lesson)
Someone told me that refusing her physically can sometimes give her some perspective. Tell her no, "I dont want to snuggle". Say it with your actions not your words, again very hard for me to do when I just want to touch her so badly at times. If you get her going then drop her like a hot potato that may get her attention. I have not been able to try that yet since my wife is a S camel and never needs to ML. Put yourself first, dont get caught up in the S thing yet.
When she calls you, are you sure she is not missing you at that moment, or wants you to come do something for her, but by the time you get there, she has moved on?
I have tried a couple things with that regard, I always try to end the conversation, if she were to call, I would not come rushing home. Its my time, and I am not on her schedule. I dont go out of my way to do things for her, and I dont tell her when I am coming home unless she asks. heck, she called and said she was hungry the other day, and I said I would bring something home, and went and got a haircut first. I dont ask her to do anything out of the ordinary and only ask when she lets something go like a sink full of dishes or not telling me the truck needed an oil change.
My wife is Out of town at the moment. I dont know how bad you miss her when she is gone, but I miss my wife a lot. I did this last night and it really helped. I thought I would remove the photos of her celebrity obsession until she got back, but the first one I touched, it clicked. Its not him, its her I dont want to be reminded of this weekend. So I put every picture of her face down, and put all her clothes away. It felt great.
Again, I am in a similar situation as you, so this may not help a lot, but maybe sharing ideas we can make both our relationships better. These are just a couple things I have done to make myself feel better until she realizes there is a problem with our relationship and we need to work on it.
I often feel confused myself. It's like I keep giving and giving, but nothing is returned. I think that I need to stop giving for a while.
If you let this sex thing get in your head, it will twist up your thought process.
A while back she had said something about being "officially" separated while she was gone on this upcoming trip. I am not sure what "officially" means, but I guess it means you decide who gets what assets.
You know, as you said about your wife, I do miss mine when she is gone. But to be honest, it does not really a matter if she is physically gone or not. Even when she is there - I miss her, the girl I married 2 years ago. She has not been that girl since we said I do.
I am sorry your wife will not go to C. Mine goes, so long as it suits her. When she diagrees with MC, she just blows it off as I said before.
As for he leaving...you know what? I sometimes wish she would. I am so tired of being tired. No matter what else I "give in" on or tasks handled or items purchased, I do not get much, if any, positive feedback from her. It's like she is just waiting it out as long as she can (watching assets grow and love fail).
P.s. You did not hijack my post...I am glad everyone here has a place to vent and seek advice.
