Well, it was a little reality-check for JJ yesterday.
Dr.'s orders to me.....
"Get focused on taking care of you. You need to be OK in order for your partner to get through her stuff".
Gee, where have I heard that before?!
I guess I didn't really see it, but I was getting back into some bad old patterns. With W's anxiety and depression issues raising their heads this last week, I seem to have let out that little co-dependent monster in me. Wasn't taking good enough care of myself, trying to take care of her too much. Causing resentment on BOTH of our parts. Bad, bad boy, I know better than that! More of what doesn't work. Quite an eye opener, it was like the C smacked me right between the eyes.
Trying to find a support group for partners of the depressed, but not much luck. Would be nice to just vent with others who are going through the same, like we do here. It's so wierd, I can see the signs of her depression coming on, the events leading up to it, the results that take place, but there doesn't seem to be a damn thing I can do about it. Part of the letting-go process, releasing control issues, I guess. Not taking things personally.
W's still scared about the R at times, wonders why I want to stay, scared of me leaving again. Said it's nothing I am or am not doing, it's just her. She can push me away and yet tell me she doesn't want to lose me, all in the same breath. I have to be careful to stay out of her confusion.
Homework assignments of reading out loud to each other, "lovie" words and touches, and continue with the acknowledgments of goodness and appreciation. Also, both of us are taking the Briggs-Meyers personality tests, to help us see where both us and our partner fall into place. I seem to over-analyze, and she tends to just see the surface. There must be a good place for us to meet in the middle(?). She stressed the fact that she doesn't do things to intentionally hurt me, and is sorry that she does.
Ended the session with a big hug and a kiss, then went for a few drinks and food. Not real comfortable, but the effort to spend the alone together was there.
Progress, not perfection.
JJ
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