Ok, I had a conversation this morning with my W. I explained my frustrations and feeling 'controlled' by the no sex issue; i.e. feeling the need to appease her on every front to get her in the mood, along with the stars/moon all lining up just right, it being a leap year, kids out of house and if I skipped rope on only my left foot for 3 minutes all at the same time. I told her this was not a threat, but I just needed her to know how I felt.
I made an anology to her that she wanted something about 2 months ago that was not a "need" item in terms of the family budget. It was quite expensive and we have been budgeting money. She told me that she felt controlled financially that she could not have it. This went on for about a month including at the MC, where she cried about it. Anyway, I did relent and agree to spending the money as it was important to her. I explained that this 'control' is how I felt about the no sex issue and I had been dealing with it for 2 years, not 1 month.
She asked what suggestions I had to fix it. Frankly, after 2 years of trying everything imagineable, I did not know of anything I could do. I cannot and do not want to force her into sex. I left it in her court to figure out what would make her re-attracted to me or back interested in our premarriage sexual connection. Also I explained that I was willing to make some more changes if she feels it might help, but that I would not change "who I am" as a person.
At the end if the discussion, I reiterated that I was not threatening her, but I was unhappy and was very much struggling with the situation.
It appears that the anology I made in the discussion may have hit home (I hope) so maybe this will at least get her thinking. I do not want to leave, but I am very concerned that after this long a period and this big an issue being made, her drive will only get lower as years pass.
Please let me know any suggestions you all may have or critique if what I did was the best approach.
