I have not posted here often, actually it's been a while since my last post (last summer), but I often read here for moral support.
My situation (briefly) is that I dated my wife for 1.5 years prior to marriage. Our sex life was very compatible in terms of frequency and range of activities. From the day I got married (almost 2 years ago), it all changed.
We went from sex mutliple a week to now maybe 1 time every couple of months. There may be an occasion when there is activity more frequently, but it quickly turns back into infrequency. The infrequency is also coupled with only basic routine sex. There is always some "good" reason not to have sex according to her, but it's a little odd that the "good" reasons seem to schedule themselves one after another so that activity is little and infrequent.
We have run the gamet as far as checking/changing her meds that could affect libido, medical tests, hormones, counseling, discussing and the like routine of trying to work this out.
I have gone out of my way to be romantic, provide safety, squash arguments that I know that I was right. I have provided a nice and stable home in a good community, monthly monies so she does not need to work, etc, etc. I have developed a very good relationship with her parents. I handle all the bills, insurance, etc. I do not ask much of her, other to instruct and pay the cleaning lady. Perhaps maybe be cordial to my family.
In a counseling session she said she did not trust me. When asked to cite examples, she gave none. I have racked my brain to figure out why she would not trust me and then it dawned on me that maybe she does not trust me because she herself is hidding something. Maybe that's paraniod...I do not know.
She has gone to Doctors and Therapists to figure out why she lost her libido (and the timing is suspect as it happened right after we got married and has stayed that way ever since). We have had no results from those appointments. She often refuses to talk about it at all. We do joke about it sometime and it helps break the ice a little and sometimes there is an argument...which I explained may happen as I will get frustrated with "no sex" and no discussion towards a solution.
Anyway...I am not happy with this obviously. Every once in a while she'll say she is feeling frisky or felt frisky, but then nothing happens anyway. It's worse that she even tells me this. I told her a few months into the marriage that "no sex" would build a wall between us and it has.
I do not want to threaten her about divorce as I know this will make matters worse, but there has to a line in the sand somewhere. Or am I to just ride along and hope she'll change back to the girl I dated?
This seems like a "bait and switch" sales technique. She has done a complete 180. I have let it alone for long periods hoping that might help, but it has not. Now that the divide is there, maybe I do not see things reasonably...maybe I over analyze it all and see stuff that is not there.
She says she loves me. I have calmly sat her down and said that it seems her love for me is more brotherly and not as a husband. She denies that, but her actions show it. She tells me she loves me and hugs me all the time, but there is rarely any other physical connection. I know this sounds stupid, but she kisses me with her mouth closed. Again, maybe I am over analyzing this, but that has to mean something. I just want to get all the cards on the table and deal with them. She has ommitted issues in couseling or later confided in me that things were as I had originally stated. This behavior makes me feel like everything she denies, may be true.
The end result is that I do not feel she is attracted to me. She denies that, but again...who knows if that denial will later be reversed.
Anyway...I do not know how long I should stay. I know I will not be happy "as is", but also do not want to quit.
Quote: Does anyone else feel guilty after the post here? Not sure why I do, but I do.
Yes. At first anyway. I think it has to do with telling complete strangers your most intimate problems. Gets much easier as you get such a wide range of answers and suggestions and advice. It seems there are so many on here at so many different stages in their R's.
Also, I have found that posting/reading posts lets me know I am not the only one out there going through these issues which is a tremendous boost!
Quote: Anyway...I do not know how long I should stay. I know I will not be happy "as is", but also do not want to quit.
Then don't quit!
I have felt like this so many times in my own situtation. Just ready to throw in the towel and move on. But then I take a deep breath and take another step. IMO, Giving up is the easy part; sticking it out takes the guts.
It sounds like you make life very easy for your W. (Maybe too easy?) Can I ask? Do you do things with her? Hang out, play games, go to a game, shop, go to movies, etc? Are you friends?
Quote: In a counseling session she said she did not trust me. When asked to cite examples, she gave none. I have racked my brain to figure out why she would not trust me and then it dawned on me that maybe she does not trust me because she herself is hidding something. Maybe that's paraniod...I do not know.
Did you ask her outside of your session why she didn't trust you? Also, you said that she doesn't work etc... do you have children? What DOES she do all day?
There are people on here alot more qualified to answer your questions... but these were the ones that popped into my head right away...
Holy crap this sounds like me! I hate that feeling when they tell you they find you attractive and that they love yet thier actions are completly different! How confusing and frustrating is that? It drives me crazy!
It drives me nuts sometimes...so thanks for the feedback. I do not want to quit so I have been / am trying, but status quo will not work.
As far as making life too easy, it may sound like it - but I knew/agreed to this before marriage and have lived up to my end of the deal. She would probably say her life is not so easy, I guess it's all about persepctive. She has kids from her 1st marriage and I totally respect that she spends the time with them. (Not that working moms do worse, I just respect her desire to make the kids her work) What goes on with her free time while they are in school is debatable, but I do not push that very much. She used to complain alot about being a single mom and how tough it was. Now that she has my help, it may be that she forgot how difficult it was without me.
We do spend time together and find ourselves laughing, etc. Our interests do not totally overlap, but there is common ground. She is definitely my friend, I think she may even view me as a "friend" and not a spouse. There are activities that she did while dating that she will not do now; i.e. going out to concerts / bars, nightlife, etc. So that's another "bait and switch" issue.
The trust issue...she has not specified, other than mentioning me investing in something she thought was not a money maker...but that investment was done through my business - NOT our personal monies. I told her that I was doing this business before we met, while we dated and after we were married and that I cannot call her and ask permission for every business transaction I do. BTW that investment looks to have nearly doubled and I should get the principal plus profit in the next 30 days.
The trust issue may stem from her prior relationships. Nonetheless, it's a bummer to work so hard and get nothing back plus not be trusted.
Geez...I feel like you're telling my story. Her kissing you with closed mouth, I can totally relate. I haven't had a real kiss in 2.5 years. All I get are pecks and I've told her how important real kisses are to me.
Have you tried scheduling sex?
I'm experimenting with this right now with my girlfriend. We do it twice a week. It's still bad sex, but at least I know it will happen and so she doesn't feel pressured by me.
I have a lot of patience like you, but after 2 years I'm ready to give up. We're not married and were about to sell our house. So the sell of the house is the crossroads for me.
Ya, we tried the scheduling bit, however it makes things awkward and I do not want to have sex when she does not. This it seems would only further alienate her. We did it once when I knew she was not "into it" and it was difficult from a mental standpoint and unfulfilling.
I just do not get how there can be a ongoing mutually fulfilling sex life pre-marriage and the next day we start going 5 weeks without. Then that stretches into 2-3 month periods. The possible causes for this are worrisome. Either she was faking intimacy before or recognized shortly after getting married that she had made a mistake. She denies both, but there has to be more to this that what she is saying.
The hard part is that I just want to get the cards on the table and deal with it one way or another. But she clearly withholds information which is a major roadblock. Perhaps she is fearful of being a single mom again and this is the reason she hangs on...she also denies this.
I read someone else's post on LD woman tending to hang out with other LD woman so this get's reinforced even more. This is what is happening to me because she has mentioned talking to her friends and they feel the same way. Needless to say, it's bad enough this is all happening without her discussing it with our mutual friends. Now all the sudden I get odd looks when I see people, like I am some perv for wanting sex more than once every few months.
I am not someone who quits on people. My friends tend to call me in times of need and I always provide help and/or advice. However; in this case, where it seems all the cards are not on the table, it's pretty hard not to recognize this situation of little/no sex will not change. If that's the case, I will be unhappy.
P.s. The kissing thing, closed mouth....this also only occurred after we got married. Before marriage, we had a lot of make out sessions and open mouth kissing during ML.
I hate to say it, but I have thought for a long time that she got me to marry her and now she feels no obligation to a physical relationship. When she get's really mad, she says if I am unhappy, I should just leave...but references how she'll take my finances. I, in turn, have told her that the main reason I have stayed is because I do not want to hurt her kids. So we have these downward spirals occasionally.
The capper is that we actualy discussed all issues of compatibility before getting married. This included among others: finances, how to handle her kids, religious outlook, responsibilities of each AND sexual expectations. ML was said to average about 3 times a week. The sex part has never happened, not even close.
Initially I went through a phase where I thought that I was not doing enough for her so I took on more of the responsibilities to "romance" her into bed. All I ended up with is more reposnibilities.
It's a little depressing having to be the one chasing all over trying to please your spouse into sex. She does not chase me all over when it's time to dish out money, it's just expected. I know that's not a great anology, but what I am getting at is that I have done my part and been patient for 2 years of these sex issues.
I do not think any of these extra responsibilities I took on have made any in roads for ML. It's like being a slave; doing all the work and getting nothing but table scraps in return.
Of course I don't know all the details of your interactions with your W and I know there are two sides to every story and slap me silly cuz I may be completely out of line here but...
It sounds to me like she is maybe using you for the security that you bring to the table... SO why should she have to 'put out' (and I'm not just talking about sex)when you do everything and expect nothing EXCEPT sex?
Could it be a control issue? That maybe she feels as this is the only thing SHE has control over in your M?
You mentioned that her issues could have something to do with her past relationships... relationships with who? Other men? Father? Mother? And what did those R's entail?
Gub