As I said in LH's thread, W called the session, so I let her take the lead. She hated the way things were, questioned whether we should stay together, it's not good for either of us. Lots of past issues, got into the "chicken and the egg" thing, where "I did this because you did this because I did this……" I stopped the direction things were going, and got things going in more of an SBT direction. In a direction of recalling when things were going well, what we were doing then. Doing more of what works. This changed the tone of things, in more of a positive theme. We both found out things about each other, lots of light bulbs turned on.
As we were talking, the C noticed the pattern of us wanting different things to feel loved, and neither of us was really in tune it. She suggested we get the 5 love languages book, which I ordered yesterday.
I wasn't really aware before yesterday of what C had been working on with W, turned out to be a lot of co-dependency issues. Sounds like they're still at the beginning of working on it, but it sounds like W is starting to "get it" a little. That she doesn't need to be responsible for everyone's moods and feelings, that she needs to take care of herself first. Emphasizing that I need to take care of myself first, that I need to be strong.
C mentioned how the dynamics of OR had changed recently, had bad the family situation was when I first came back, and how much better they are now. She mentioned me being the "knight in shining armor", and I stopped her there. Told her that's not what I was, not what I wanted to be. That my goal is to not do things FOR W, but rather WITH her. That there are things that I know W has to do on her own, that she's very capable of doing them, and I'll be there to help her when she wants.
C was very good at keeping us on track with OUR issues, and stopped any talk of kid issues.
Our homework assignments-
1) Taking ownership of ourselves, stopping and taking care of ourselves as we need.
2) When we sense something bothering our partner, to not assume, but to check in, ask "is it about me?" (co-dependency issue).
3) Carve out time for each other, maybe in the mornings. (One of my issues, no quality, uninterrupted time. It was kinda funny, W quoted something I said to her about a different situation, about MAKING some time, instead of just FINDING time!)
4) To identify times of goodness and appreciate them out loud. (Catching each other doing things right, and letting the other know. This helps us to realize what things are important to our partner, what makes us feel good. Turns out that a lot of these things are very simple, maybe not hard for the giver to do, but very meaningful for the receiver. The "gift of true giving" thing.)
Feeling pretty good about things right now, the small changes are going, heading in the right direction. We're both doing our homework! Our next session together is in a week. Looking forward to it. Will keep expectations low, and hopes realistic.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!
JJ
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