Well, only about 18 hours until the C session, and I've made a decision. I'm gonna sit back and see how things start out, and if they head in the wrong direction, I'm not just gonna shake the fence, I'm gonna tear that SOB down. I've pretty much had it. I need for her to commit to the M, for us BOTH to do the things it'll take to get headed on the right path, or there will be nothing further to discuss. She can move into the spare bedroom and start looking for another place to live, I'll stay in the house and fix it up to be sold.
Something's up, she's distant, hiding things, lying, avoiding me, stopped the I love you's, etc. She placed a call to om's house yesterday. Whether she talked to him or his parents doesn't matter. She "went out with the girls" late last night, didn't come home until around 4 am, left again at 7 am. I'm drawing my line in the sand, and either way it goes will be a relief to me. No contact with om, and get rid of the secret life and the lies. There's too much other stuff going on in our house, and we can either work through it together, or she can leave and work things out on her own.
Lee - I have tried what you suggested, doing the 180 on the kid issues, but to be honest with you, it was probably too little, and too late. The best that I can muster up right now is to do nothing. The problems are immense and overwhelming. My 14 y.o. step-D attempted suicide a little over a year ago, has been in and out of re-habs, and has generally screwed up enough to where the state may be placing her in foster care within the next few weeks. She hates me, I seem to be a threat to her being in control of the house and her mother. My 12 y.o. step-S was caught selling pot at school, and is on a strict probation for the next 5 years. My W has had the legal charges on her dropped pending her successful completion of counseling for prescription drug dependency. I'm sure that you can see that detachment is a very necessary part of my life right now. Why I can't expect too much from OR. And why I NEED the reassurance that the healing of our marriage is also one of HER ultimate goals. I am beginning to realize the limitations of my physical and emotional strength.
And I always appreciate your input. You help me to see things in a different light at times.
Kent - There was a period of almost a month since I've been back that W and I could talk, negotiate, and present a united front to the kids. This is what I could classify as a trouble-free time concerning the kids. This broke down somewhere, and is back to where it was before I left. Not quite sure of the cause, or how to get her to buy back into the program.
With MY W, I don't think it's so much of a matter of control as it is of pride. She's having a lot of counselors and "experts" telling her now some of the same things I've said to her in the past. She's told me a lot of times lately that I was right, and I don't do the "I told you so" thing. She's feeling like a failure when it comes to the kids, and has a lot of shame. She's the "mother bear" when it comes to defending them, and wants to be their friend. She's very stuck in the "try and try again" mode, I think to prove to everyone that the things she's done are the right things to do. Any help she's given seems to be misconstrued as her being controlled. She's overloaded right now, and wants to run away from everybody and everything, somewhere that nobody "expects" anything from here. It doesn't matter if those expectations are real or perceived, 'cuz they are very real to her. She's mentioned in the past moving a couple of states away to live with her brother, but decided against it when we started getting back together. Maybe that's what she needs to do now. It might cause less damage on OR in the long run, and be better for her.
I'd ask for you to wish me luck, but I think that either direction this goes will be ok. Will let you know what happens.
Open arms and open eyes.
JJ
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