Progress, not Perfection!!

[Jamesjohn]

Thanks, Kent. I needed that. My thoughts were running along the same line, been thinking about suggesting to her that she move back into the spare bedroom until the 2 of them could find their own place. Things have been going so well lately, and I have a tendency to be over-protective of her, so I've had some hesitancy to do that. It probably is the best thing. She's been involving her job, her church, and her family in her lies the past few days. Maybe it IS time for a little wake-up call. It just doesn't feel right to wait this episode out until she works through it on her own. I've been giving her a chance to be honest with me, to help rebuild trust, and it didn't work this time.

With all the other things going on in her/our life lately, I've really been questioning myself if staying with her is the right thing for me. If the HP is testing & conditioning me, or telling me to get the heck out of there. Have to keep my emotions out of this. MUST DISTANCE!!! For my sake if nothing else. Thanks, bud.

[Jamesjohn]

MF - Thanks for the response. Funny you should reply, I've been carrying around a post of yours in my wallet for the past few days and studying it. The one about the different phases you've gone through and what you've learned. It's been a great help to me. Thanks! I appreciate the support immensely!!

I wish I could keep the balance you've found about the om. I think I have it off and on, I just got TOTALLY blindsided this time. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms AND OPEN EYES!!!

Back to reading DB'ing 101 again for a refresher.

[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 07-23-2001).]

[Jamesjohn]

Well, it's true that making a change can CAUSE a change. Not exactly sure what direction it'll head in, but time will tell.

Didn't call W at all yesterday. She called about 6:45, didn't leave a message. Called her back 15 minutes later, she was at our mutual friend's house. Great people, her best good friend, good sign. She ended the call with "see you soon, honey". I got there, kissed her, mixed a drink, and went out to talk with the H. She left before I did to take S to his cousin's. When she left, she hugged me, said I love you.

We got home, she initiated a few more hugs and kisses, one or two more I love you's. Before I went to bed, she thanked me for reminding her about her C appointment today. Said she made an appointment for US on the 9th, would I be willing to come? Told her yes, I would.

Seems to be a lot going through her head right now. Still kind of distant, but not in a way that makes me nervous. She seems to be very humble, nervous about approaching me, but still doing it a little. She slept on the couch last night, I know she needs some space right now. At least she stayed home. I kissed her goodbye this morning, she smiled big for me. Held me close for a few minutes, held my face and my hand. She said I smell good , I said I AM good!! (a morning ritual for us). This morning, she added "I know you are".

She only called om twice yesterday, both times at work. She never mentioned anything about the papers I left her, and I'm not gonna bring it up. Seems she got the point, one way or the other. Which direction it goes in is still left to be seen.

My plan of action? Do nothing, at least for a few days. Be distant, but loving. Give her a BUNCH of space again. Ask no questions, just listen, observe, and learn. Catch her doing things right, and let her know about them. Treat her like my best friend, nothing more, and nothing less. Remember all the positive things that have happened in the past few months. Open arms, and open eyes. Take some time for things I've been neglecting lately, and recharge my batteries. Basically, more of what's been working.

Thanks for being here for me. I'll keep you updated.

[MF]

JJ:

Boy, if I've ever seen a recipe for success, you got it right here:

"My plan of action? Do nothing, at least for a few days. Be distant, but loving. Give her a BUNCH of space again. Ask no questions, just listen, observe, and learn. Catch her doing things right, and let her know about them. Treat her like my best friend, nothing more, and nothing less. Remember all the positive things that have happened in the past few months. Open arms, and open eyes. Take some time for things I've been neglecting lately, and recharge my batteries. Basically, more of what's been working"

Perfect. I'll carry this piece with me in exchange for the piece I wrote that you carry! I think Michelle should add a new chapter called something like "How to Do Nothing". Some of my most powerful doings were not-doings. I just returned from vacation and guess who decided to join me & the kids at the last moment. Yep, the same w who a year ago wouldn't even go to the grocery store with me decided to go on vacation. I'll have to update my post in beginners. We had a good time.

MF

[KentS]

JJ,
You got it. Distance scares her. You can sense it when you start to pull away. Keep her thinking. The C session would be the perfect time to announce your exhaustion over W's failure to end the R with OM and her continued dishonesty. You don't need to say your leaving. You just up the ante a bit. You deliver the message that this game is gonna be ending soon, one way or the other.

How dim have you tried going? How long? Have you considered suggesting to W that you need a break from the R to do some re-evaluation of what you want. Whenever I pulled the sudden night away cus I needed to think about stuff, W would pursue bigtime.

Just a thought JJ.

You are not expecting too much from your W. She needs to end the R with the loser if she wants to stay with you.

Kent

[Jamesjohn]

MF - Thanks, this is the only recipe I have for me that works in these times. It seems like "how to do nothing" IS one of the hardest tasks to practice, especially if you're a fixer type person. I'm SLOOOOWY learning that things DO work out in their own time, especially without my interference. Well, maybe a little nudge now and then helps things along!

That's great about your W joining in on your vacation. Can't wait to read how things went for you. I know from experience that filling up your jar with good times together helps to make some of the bad stuff spill out the sides. Reminds me that it's something that W & I have neglected the past few weeks, haven't really done anything "fun" together. Been a lot of other family stuff going on, maybe it's time to get away for even just a few hours.

Kent - You're right, distance DOES scare her. It's something I have to do in small doses, though. It's too much of a pattern in my past behaviour, and too much of it is part of what didn't work. When I went way dark was when she hooked up with om.

I HAVE thought about the night away, just to think about stuff, and may do it very soon. Thinking just the day away might be better for me, though. To NOT think about stuff. There's an event happening the city close to us this weekend, thinking about attending it on my own with some friends. We usually plan to go to these events together, but things usually seem to fall apart at the last minute.

Thanks for reassuring me I'm not expecting too much. That's one of the big things on this board is to lower your expectations, but this is one point where I don't want to go that low. She mentions guy's pride, jealousy, and "testosterone", but it goes a little deeper than that for me. I expect marriage to be a bond between TWO people, and there's no room for outsiders. Especially former "lovers".

She's called 3 times in the past half-hour. Left 2 message just checking in. Probably should go and return her calls soon. Or maybe just see her at home.

BTW, how'd you know I called him the loser?!!!

[LeeP]

Hi JJ,

Didn't have access to BB for the past week or so- so I've just finished catching up with your posts... just wanted to say I think you're being really level-headed and your "recipe" is inspiring. I'm gonna carry it around with me, too!

When is the C session next? Keep it up, JJ!

[Jamesjohn]

(wrote this last night, couldn't post until today)

I'm just being "out doing something" tonight.

Left W a text message on her phone, said I had some things to do, wouldn't be home until 10 or 11. LUV U. 30 seconds later, she called me. Twice. Didn't answer. Last message she said "it's wierd to have you not answer the phone". She apologized for hanging up so quick on the first call. Called her back 1/2 hour later, small talk, she's gonna cook dinner, what am I gonna do? (help a friend). I love you, JJ.

I'm feeling much calmer and centered today. More detached. Taking things less personal.

W's got some traumas going on, things she screwed-up on while we were separated, strangers she defended and trusted that burned her. She's got a lot of crap coming down, she created most of it, but it's not my job to remind her of this. My distancing dance will have to be very tight. As her friend, I will give her my support as much as I can. I guess some things can (and WILL) be dealt with at a later date. I could do a lot of damage if I don't pay attention to what I'm doing. I can gain a lot of ground if I do the right things. Like listening, comforting, being strong, and being her best friend. Wish me luck.

[Jamesjohn]

Today's update……

On my way home last night, got a text message from W. "I love you too JJ. I'm sorry I have been so f***ed up. I get so confused…so scared! So f***ed-up! But I do know I really love you!" This kinda blew me away, didn't quite know what to write back at the time, so I didn't. Got home, ate, laid in bed with her, talked a little about the day, and fell asleep. Neither of us said anything about the message.

This morning I wrote back to her. "I'm here to listen, to lean on, to share with, to learn, to love. That's what best friends do. That's what husbands do. I love you W." When she woke up, she wrote back "Good morning--what a nice thing to wake up to..I love u !!! XO XO : )"

She called a little bit ago, some stuff going on with D she'll tell me about later. Wants me to come home early so we can go to Farmer's Market together, then go to another place and look at some plants for the yard. Says she REALLY loves me. Said it twice. The words are there, I'll keep my eyes open for more of the actions. Keep open to the positives. At least she doesn't feel comfortable with where she's at right now, realizes it's not her "happy place". We'll see what changes she decides to make. We'll see if she takes me up on my offer to be there for her, with her.

Open arms and open eyes.

[Jamesjohn]

Hi Lee!! Thanks! The C session's gonna be on the 9th. Will really be the first one focused around OR. At least I THINK that's what it's about, she didn't tell me anything about it except the date. I did see a note about "the marriage and visions of it", so I imagine it's about us. I'm working towards letting any OR or om talk go until then, I think I can hold out two more weeks. It seems like there's a whole different "DB time-zone" out there, things go both slower and faster than in the rest of the world, doesn't it?!

How are YOU doin' stranger? Hope it's well. Been wrapped up in my stuff lately, will come over and visit you soon.

[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 07-26-2001).]