Well, gang, don't know if I pulled a major backslide, or if this qualifies as doing something different. All I know is that I could no longer act-as-if nothing was going on (W was doing enough of that for both of us).
The dinner at her parents house went fine, hugged her when I got there, but no kiss. Visited with her family, left after a couple of hours, and went to a movie by myself. When I told her where I was going, she said she'd like to see the movie, too, but probably wouldn't be able to stay awake.
She was gone when I got home, out with a girlfriend (she really was), home fairly early. Didn't talk much that night, put some sunburn lotion on her, and that was about it.
Wrote her a note that night, left it in her car for when she went to church (don't think she really went there, but she left the house for about 4 hours anyway). Simply wrote that I have felt a change in her spirit. That I thought there was something going on in her life, something important, that she wasn't sharing with me. That I wanted her to trust me with it, to share with me what's so heavy on her mind.
Got no response from that, she was gone here and there throughout the day. She got home that evening, I was asleep. I woke up, talked with her a bit, she was still acting as if nothing was happening. I did the same. She read to me out of our don't sweat the small stuff, part of her/our C homework. Chapter happened to be about being the first one approach others to heal relationships. Funny timing, isn't it. I read her a favorite book until she fell asleep.
This morning, left her a note that I love her, hope her day goes well. Here's where I either blew it, or let her "subtly" know that I knew what was going on. I had some pages from a recovering from infidelity article from the marriage builder's website, and high-lighted some key areas for her. These were the things that pertained to saying the final good-byes to the lover, how healing the marriage can't really progress without this happening. How it needs to be done by letter, not in person or on the phone, and how the betrayed spouse should read it and approve of it. How the straying spopuse will justify staying in contact with the om/ow, and how hurtful this is to the betrayed spouse. About how the straying spouse ends up living 2 different lives, with the other spouse on the major end of the deceit. This may have been a very controlling thing to do, but screw-it. I don't want to play this part of the game anymore. I don't want to quietly sit back, and let her think it's acceptable to treat our marriage this way.
I DID send her a phone text message later, said I love you, W. I want us both to heal. I want our marriage to thrive. I want us to be partners and best friends.
I haven't really TOLD her what to do, have I? I tried to let her know I knew what's going on, without making threats or accusations, tell what I wanted, and that I still love her. I'm pretty sure this is gonna backfire in my face, but I needed to let it out, and am prepared for the consequences. I guess the doing something different part is I'm staying calm about it, and not just letting things go without addressing it in some way. I'm not questioning where she's going and who she's with, just letting her know I'm not blind to it. That I'm not going to back away from a confrontation like I may have in the past. I know this goes against making her feel comfortable and safe with me, but, oh well. Maybe she's a little TOO comfortable right now. There's a lot of other crap going on in our lives that I've been supporting her on, and now I need her support on this. I've been giving a lot, and my taker is kicking in on this issue. I'm prepared for quite a few days of darkness and severe detachment coming up. We'll see how well this works, or doesn't work.
BTW, blast away at me if you think I really screwed this up! As I'm re-reading this, I can see too much emotional reaction on my part. Should have held off for a little, but I didn't. I DO feel better, in a way. I didn't want to just do nothing this time.
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 07-23-2001).]
JJ
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