basic questions about BB references

[darlingnicky]

Hey GoodGuy,

Thanks for posting your sitch again, I appologize that I didn't catch your original posts.

Thinking back, she was sexually submissive even then, never the initiator, and not one to enthusiastically engage. But she always enjoyed sexy once going and still does.

I am a little confused about the latter part of your statement. "She always enjoyed sex once going and still does." Do you mean that sex is gratifying to her, yet she doesn't show passion during sex or ever initiates?

You background sounds similiar to mine. My mother was VERY open about sex with me from a very early age. I have grown up thinking that it is a normal, healthy part of a relationship, almost a neccesity. I was also raised thinking that all guys wanted it all the time. I remember on the night of my senior prom, she gave me a pack of condoms. Totally blew me away.

Your W sounds like my H. He does think about sex (I know he looks at porn, almost daily), he just doesn't show it in his daily actions to me. He doesn't initiate, or if he does, it's like "hey, you gonna go up and shower or what?". Real romantic, huh? He generally doesn't initiate once in the bed, but once I get him going a little bit he does get into it and enjoys it. So, what I have discovered is that my problems with my R is not really about the physical act of sex, it's about the level of intimacy and closeness I feel from him on a day to day basis. It's about him needing closeness and affection from me. So my question to you is, is your R problem really about sex, lack of, quality of, etc... or is it about your R on a day to day basis.

My Father at age 81 still has adult material in his house. (Is this TMI?)

Not TMI, interesting really. I hope I still think about sex at 81!

I wish that she could just smile when I walk in the room, stoke my arm and say "Hi Honey, how's it going. I missed you today." This would be as good as sex right now. But it just not her nature. I show affection in this way but she seems to cringe when I do. Talk about pulling out my heart and stepping on it!

Have you ever told her that? That what you need is daily words of affirmation...I must think that that has to be less threatening than asking for sex everyday. I am also inclined to think that if she spoke to you like that everyday, perhaps a sub-par sex life would be less of a problem?

I wonder if she doesn't feel worthy of accepting compliments and praise or verbal gestures of love?

When we started dating we were sexual with in about a week which for me was mind blowing. We never had intercourse until we were married but the sex we had was great! This hooked me because I never had confidence with women and didn't date much.

Do you know when this changed? Do you think she was being physical because she wanted to be or because she felt she had to be?

You sound a little bit like our friend Chrome here on the BB. Started out in his R with less than stellar self-esteem. You should really go back and read some of his threads, espcially the one on self-esteem. He's come a long way. How is your self esteem now? How has it differed since your 20's?

I have been having more and more thoughts of Sep. and D as I question whether I can go through the rest of my life in a R with no outward signs of affection (either physical or other) from the person whom I have, up until this point dedicated my life to.

Does W know how unhappy you are? Would it be a shock to her if you told her this? Maybe it's the reality check she needs to start working on this R with you.

Sorry this is so long...
Nicky