Thanks, Neely. You're right, W doesn't think very highly of herself. Or of our relationship, I guess. It's funny how the one's you love the most, and that love you the most, can hurt you so deeply.
Feeling better today, and you're right, it is a setback, and not neccesarily an ending. I have to remember how well things have been going, and take that into consideration. I'm sure she has a perfectly reasonable explanation for being there, right? hahaha
I'm going to head home now, do some of my best acting-as-if nothing happened, like I didn't know where she was. I'll see if she volunteers the info concerning her whereabouts, and take it from there. She agreed to let me know when she sees him, now we'll see if she holds true to her word.
Thanks.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
My cell phone battery went dead this time, instead of it being her's. She left me several messages, kinda panicky and frustrated at the end. Got home, she wasn't there, was out running D around. Called her, acted-as-if, she got home, and the day went ok. That evening, laying in bed, she asked me where I'd been, what I was doing, I turned it around and said maybe I should ask where she was. She fessed up, asked her when she was gonna tell me, she said she would have told me tomorrow, when it may have been a better time. Had reasons, none of them good. Told her I crashed a bacholorette party, went dancing, and that was all I said. OK, so I lied, sorry!
The next day, she put a lot of effort into making me a F's day present. It was a journal book, she wrote on the first page how I was the best friend everybody searches for, how I'm her soulmate, and I have her undying love forever. The next page was our wedding picture, on the bottom she wrote "love, honor, and cherish". The next pages were pictures of us, and of us and the kids, done up really fancy, with cute comments written on them. It really touched me, probably one of the nicest presents anyone's ever made for me. Told me I didn't need to write in my yellow note pads anymore. Must have seen a few of my notes.
We ended up talking, she told me she's sorry she keeps screwing up, she doesn't know why she does it, she was feeling hurt, she wants to grow old with me, etc., etc. She HAS been reading our "after the affair" book, and thinks she's probably going through the grieving process. Told her that was fine, I understood. That as long as she feels she has to see him, OR will be going absolutely nowhere, that I need to have a commitment from her to work on OR. I then said to her that there's been a few times that I told her I didn't want a D, but never really asked what her thoughts were. She started crying, said again she wanted to grow old with me.
I told her that if she wants to be treated like crap, if she wants someone to yell at her and tell her how useless she is like OM has done, then I'm not that guy, I'm not gonna do that. She couldn't understand why she was doing some of the things she was doing, and we were doing. Told her she keeps pushing me away, and I need to step back from that for my own sanity.
She told me I was her anchor, she didn't think she could do it without me. I'm the only one she loves, I'm the only one she trusts, I'm the only one she ever thinks about spending the rest of her life with. She doesn't feel worthy of me, she doesn't know why I love her. I'm the only one who truly knows her, and that scares her because she feels she has to live up to that, and she doesn't have that inside of her right now. She wants to find herself again, and she doesn't think she can do that without me. That it'll be hard for her to really love anyone else before she loves herself, and she's not there right now.
We talked quite a while, not sure if anything got resolved, but I saw a little deeper into her. She IS totally confused, and I'm very concerned about her psychological heath. It seems beyond the typical MLC thing, that psychological test she took revealed quite a few problems, not sure of all of them, but it's got her scared to death. She seems to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown at times, and she knows this, and is very afraid. I'm not sure what to do, for me, for her, or for us. I don't want to play the "blame game", blame it all on any mental health issues there may be, but I also need to know that I'm not going to do anything that will endanger her well being. I've been struggling with the rescuing issue on this, also, and want to be sure that's not what I'm doing. I don't want to make excuses for her, and I don't want to blame things on her being a "psycho-b***h". I want to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.
I have an appointment with the C tomorrow, we'll be going over the results of my test. I'm not sure if she'll be able to tell me more about W's results, but I really need her advice on which direction I should go. I need to make sure my distancing isn't something that'll put her over the edge, or if I even need to worry about it. I have to know if there really are reasons that are out of her control for her doing what she's doing, and how she's feeling. I know what to do to DB, I just want to make sure some of this ain't the wrong thing to do in this situation. The deeper I get into her head, the more scared I get, for her and for me.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks, Kent. Ain't sure about which parts you think are good, though. I'm a tad bit confused at the moment, sorting through a lot in my head. Hopefully, the session with the C will help me tomorrow. Gonna try to avoid ANY OR talks tonite. After re-reading through my post, there were a lot of positives yesterday. Think I'll just go with those for tonite, and see what tomorrow brings. Thanks!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
The parts about your actions are good. You are positioning yourself for a win. Your W needs to get healthy. All you can do is be patient and keep your heart open. I can see you are doing that and I can see it is genuine and I can see you are placing her well being above your own satisfaction. That is the admirable part. That is why I say you are "da man".
I think W will be OK, she's lucky to have you -- but hope you have also a SBT. Am worried that if they tell her she's on the edge she may very well go to the edge.
As one brought up by a mother who kept telling me I was on the edge, I know how harmful it can be. It's a negative hyptonic suggestion. I'm probably just projecting.
