Hey, gang! Had a pretty good weekend, we spent all day Sunday lazing around, tubing and munching. Was good quality time for W and me.
Monday was a gray day for W. When I came home, she needed some space, so I gave it to her. I guess I gave her too much space, she started pursuing later. She instigated an OR talk, seems she left a note from OM out on the counter, his reply to her letter to him. I was in a subdued mood, she asked if I'd seen it, and I denied it at first. I later admitted to it, and that started the dialog. I told her that from what he wrote, it sounded like she'd left things pretty open-ended with him, that it didn't seem like she was ready to commit to OR. I told her that for us to move forward, I needed for her to be sure that things were over between them, with no regrets. She assured me that she was sure, I was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. No one ever made her feel as good about herself. Her self-esteem was at a low, she sometimes felt like she didn't deserve me. He added nothing to her life, he didn't know how to love, she'd have to give up everything to be with him, including kids, family and friends. Especially me. She didn't want to do that. He was more like a small child to her with the way he is. She feels dirty about what happened, and isn't sure how to get over that part of it right now.(BTW, his letter was very rambling, very pathetic, very controlling. I'll have to thank him if I ever see him again.)
We talked about a lot of the past, like how before I left, she felt smothered by our relationship, like I didn't trust her, didn't want her to see anyone. I told her that it may have been my insecurities, we never had any "us" time, I felt like I was unimportant to her. We talked about the last night she disappeared, and I asked her to let me know when she needed some "W" time like that, and I'd have no problem with it, just let me know. I never asked where she was, she was curious about what I did that night and the next day, I was pretty vague about it. We rehashed a lot of the past, not in a bad way, but I think we really listened to how the other person felt about things that happened. She wants me to promise that when something's bothering me, I'll talk to her about it instead of holding it inside.
The conversation turned to my LF, seems this relationship may have scared my W. She knows her fairly well, and she asked a lot of questions. There's still some unasked questions there, but she knows how close we've been, and this makes her a bit nervous.
The end of the conversation was geared towards us talking about the positive things that have been happening between us. We came up with many things. She assured me again that things were over between her and OM, and she was willing to do anything to regain my trust, to regain US. This was my house, my bed, and she didn't want his ghost living here with us. I told her that it would take some time, and for us to keep doing what we're doing now.
I shudder when I think about how this talk could have turned out a year ago. I do believe that our time apart did us good, and helped us make some changes and come to some realizations. Now it's a matter of keeping those changes going, right?! There's still a long way to go, but it looks like things are heading in the right direction.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
