Kent, IMP, Heidi - Thanks for your replies. I just had a light begin to come on, and things are a little clearer to me now. As I was reading through some other threads, I ran across this from Cathy47 (Kent was there with his words of wisdom, too)….
When you stop wondering what your next "move" should be is when you will have detached. Your continued questions and attempts to understand what you can do to save your marriage is evidence that as hard as you are trying you have not truly detached.
This was something I knew, but I guess had forgotten. I've been heading back towards "passively controlling" my situation. In my "great detaching moment" a few months back, I found that I began to let go of controlling people, situations, and outcome. This was the point where I found my freedom. This was also the point I found my W drawing closer back to me. I found a way to change myself to make my life better, and may have been backsliding into some old bad habits. I never really considered myself a control-freak, but discovered that parts of me may have been. After letting that go, I found a great peace, letting things happen as they will, controlling only MY actions. Helping people only when they wanted my help, not when I thought they needed it.
The snooping may have been a way to "stay on top of the situation", when, in reality, I could be letting it run over the top of me. Guess I had a major brain fart. Thanks for getting me thinking outside of myself again.
For some strange reason, I've kept a couple of cards and letters I found that my W had written to OM. These were very intimate, and very painful for me to discover, and bring back a lot of hurt whenever I think about them. Not sure WHY I was saving them, maybe under the pretense of someday W and I would be able to talk about it, she could tell me how sorry she was about it, she was out of her head, won't ever do it again. Well, that's a bulls**t reason to keep them. If she ever found out I had them or even knew about them, it would bring her a lot of unnecessary pain, and would set us back a hundred years. I'm thinking they deserve a good cremation tonight. Time to move beyond that.
Heidi - You may be right about her thoughts and moods changing after writing what she did. Lord knows I've done that often enough! As I said, her actions weren't matching up with her words, and I'm more inclined to believe what she DOES on a consistent basis, rather than what she says or writes on occasion.
Regarding what you talked about almost knowing TOO much, you may be right. I have to keep reminding myself that when I think I KNOW everything, that's about the time I cut myself off from learning anymore. Bad situation, makes it easy to get caught flat on your feet. Sometimes, I like to say "Ignorance is bliss, and I'm a happy guy!!!!"
It's good to have friends to help show you the light. Thanks!!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 05-30-2001).]
JJ
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