Last time W & I went to C, we took a MMPI test, a 560 questions psychological test. The results came back, and it didn't sound good for W. Her C is going to be out of town for about 3 weeks, and she referred W to another C because she didn't want her to go that long without seeing someone. She wants her to see someone at least twice a week. I'm not sure exactly what all the results were, and W either didn't know or wouldn't say much. All I know is W is VERY convinced she needs counseling.
Things "seem" to be going well with "us". I guess it's time to be more concerned with the "her" and the "me" instead of the us (?). We're still spending lots of quality time together, and seem to be getting closer every day. She's initiating a lot of "I love you's", hugs, kisses, etc. I'm remaining open, but still apprehensive, for a few reasons.
Ok, so I know the general rule is NO SNOOPING, but I feel that knowledge is power, and the more I know about what's going on, the better I'll be able to deal with it. My W left the journal she's keeping as part of her therapy out on the table. Call me weak, call me stupid, call me intrusive, but I had to look. Inside of it, I found a writing of things she was going to say to OM, kind of a good-bye letter, but kinda not. She explained to him how "they" couldn't work right now, how both her counselor and I agreed they should no longer have contact with each other, how her plate was too full right now. It was kind of a closure letter, but she still left things VERY, VERY open. In fact, she told him she still loved him, now was not their time, though. That her extra-marital affair was totally against her values, how she felt she was being judged by everyone because of it. That I didn't want a D right now, at least until her life got straightened out. That she really wasn't "with" me, that I was more of a good friend who she'd been through a lot with. How he made her "feel", how he brought out the passion in her. That she was praying that someday they could be together, and be a family.
I'm doing ok with this, not taking it too personally, just treating it as info to file away. Her words AND actions towards me, and towards us, don't really reinforce what she was writing, but who knows. I'll just have to keep my eyes open, not be blind to things that may be happening, and take things as they come. She is very, very confused, not just about this situation, but about everything in her life. I guess the key things for me to do is remain her friend, take care of myself, remain detached yet loving, and prove to her who the better man is. She seems to be doing too many things for/with "us" to be "acting-as-if" she wants to be with me, going out of her way for us to do things together, always letting me know where she's at.
I'm thinking the marriage counseling sessions need to begin SOON.
Progress, not perfection.
P.S. Kent - I take it back, you were right. It IS hard work!
JJ
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