I wil keep my eyes wide open. Good idea to drop it right now so he won't be as defensive.
Baltoman,
I do think it could be a tactic to try and shake things up. I don't know if he thinks I am not willing to meet his needs. He doesn't really state out right what his needs are. I am not sure if he thinks I take him for granted. I do most of the work around here plus work myself. I such an open book. If he looked through my purse or drawers or anything it just doesn't bother me at all. That is what I thought to if a person really wanted to hide things why leave a condom right in the wallet. It would be just down right stupid. I would think if I was having an affair or was thinking about it I would be heck of a lot more careful then that. It's like he wanted me to find it.
I see him going through many changes. He is angry a lot. I have heard him mention a lot of anxiety about going bald. His hair has turned grey and he fought that forever and dyed it. Now he has given in and just let it happen. He has gained quite a bit of weight and seems very self conscious about it. Like you can tell he is uncomfortable about taking off his shirt. He is forever starting these diets, diet pills, working out but doesn't seem to stick to any of them. He is unhappy working the shift he is but never does anything to try and better himself not that he needs to. But if someone was unhappy you can always make change.
Meanwhile I have improved. I don't know if it bothers him. I started working. I lost weight. I work out. I made friends and I work out or sometimes go to lunch with. I am enrolling to go back to school for a degree. My husband doesn't really have friends. He has one that he works with. But they never really hang out. He doesn't have outside activities. He works and then comes home. When I work he is with the kid's. He almost seems like he could be depressed.
First, I am very sorry. This does look very suspicious and I would very strongly resist being accused of snooping in this case. It is perfectly permissable to get something from one another's wallet. H goes in my purse all the time. If I had something to hide I wouldn't hide it there. However, people who have something to hide aren't always smart about it. I hope you have caught whatever is going on early but I think it sounds like something is going on.
Please take care of yourself while you are dealing with this. It will do you no good to fall apart.
Cally, First, I'm struck by how many games you and your H play with each other. It seems a bit weird for grown adults, who've been together as long as you have, to be engaging in ways to 'catch' the other one. Why do you do this?
Secondly, what does it matter if the OW is in fact an OW? Additionally, what does it matter if he actually used the condoms? The fact is that he WANTS you to think that he did, otherwise he wouldn't have been so blatant as to leave the unused ones in his wallet. He is trying to hurt you. Why do you want to invest your emotional energy into someone who would either A) Go out and have a grudge fling; or B) Go to the trouble of purchasing condoms to make you think he was doing the above.
Either way, he is going to considerable lengths to hurt you and THAT is the issue you should be focusing on. Maybe you could insist on marriage counseling right away, or else be prepared to take drastic action. In the meantime I would not have sex with him, due to the risk of disease.
There seems to be so much drama in your home..you threaten this, he acts out in xyz way....I would stop this right off the bat. Just stop.
Why are you afraid of making changes in your life? You intentionally keep yourself stuck in this unhappy situation by not being firm with your boundaries.
It seems that the only thing holding you and your H together is mutual anger. You deserve better than this. Please think about calming down, removing yourself from the drama, and quietly state your boundaries--what you will and will not tolerate within your marriage. If he chooses to ignore this, then you have to get movin.
I too believe he is cheating on you and I am not at all surprised. It was not that long ago that you defended your practice of hanging out with this other man, who directly told you he was interested in you and that you should leave your H. You stated then that your H was not jealous of this arrangement, which I told you at the time was BS. You continued your “friendship” for a while longer. I do not know when you changed jobs, but obviously the damage was already done.
I gave you a hard time back then because I did not think you were fully divulging your role in your problems. In fact I stated that I thought that your H’s reactions were quite understandable in light of what you were doing. Now the consequences have come to rest and I still feel like you are painting only one side of the picture. There is no way for us to know the truth, and frankly I don’t really care. If you want help you need to be honest. If not, we will find out anyway simply by the path your marriage takes. Your choice.
Cobra, I think you are being unnecessarily harsh here. My wife had a friendship with another man at her employment that I was uncomfortable with. It doesn't mean that I have the right to go sleep with someone else. If Cally's H is having an affair, blaming Cally for it is wrong.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I do not mean to blame Cally for her H having the affair. That is his decision and he is wrong to do so. But I think Cally had a lot to do with contributing to this mess to begin with. Those issues are still out there and her H probably feels completely justified in what he is doing, whether that be right or wrong.
Like HoneyPot said, there are a lot of games being played here and at the moment I see Cally as presenting only one side of the issue, which generates responses biased toward that veiw and helps perpetuate the game.
Certainly most of us present the situation in a light favorable to ourselves because it is human nature to believe in our own good intentions. It is almost just as certain that all of us have contributed in many ways to the situation we are in. Hell, I'd love for my W to get on this BB and present her side as it would help present a clearer picture to everyone including myself. That being said when you suggested that the affair (if it is that) was a consequence of her previous behavior it appeared to have the flavor of justification. We are at a disadvantage in that we cannot see each others' tone or body language in the words we write so we can only comment on the content rather than the intent. I just feel that even if you are ultimately correct in your assessment, the day after a discovery of such significance is not the time to wield the 2x4. Just a difference of styles, I guess.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Quote: First, I'm struck by how many games you and your H play with each other. It seems a bit weird for grown adults, who've been together as long as you have, to be engaging in ways to 'catch' the other one. Why do you do this?
Not sure what you mean by this. I have never led my husband to believe I was cheating on him. Never tried to set him up to catch me doing anything. Pretty much my life may be boring to some but content to me. I am pretty much a homebody. I love to just be home with my kiddos or doing things with them. I have not played GAMES with him. I have put sweat, effort, and a lot of tears into trying to make this marriage work. And to get back the man I fell in love with.
Then you said...
Quote: Why do you want to invest your emotional energy into someone who would either A) Go out and have a grudge fling; or B) Go to the trouble of purchasing condoms to make you think he was doing the above.
Why would I? I guess because I believe in marriage. Just somewhere in my heart I believe this can work. I have to at least try. Deep down in my heart I don't believe he is having an affair. I may be wrong and have to prepare for the worst.
I have made changes in my life. Really good changes. I am working so much on myself. Maybe it scares him. Maybe he feels threatened. For so many years he was my whole world. I was SAHM and did everything and was always here. During that time I lived and breathed being a mom. I didn't have an outside life. Don't get me wrong I loved every minute of it. But even I can look at myself and see how much I have changed.
There is not always constant drama. There is also much more that holds us together besides anger. We are parents so we have the children to think of. Also if he wanted to leave he knows where the door is and how to get out. But he doesn't go. Surprisngly I am calm. I don;t know if you got the impression that I was raging and full of anger. But like I said I am calm and praying for him. I wrote him quite a long letter and told him I am praying for him.
I know many here probably disagree with this. But I think a woman has every right to have friends whether it be male or female. Just because you are of the opposite sex doesn't mean that you have to be sexual. Some of the best friends I ever had growing up were male. I never thought about being sexual, never wanted to be sexual and never was sexual with any of them. They were just really great friends.
I have never cheated on my husband. Never even came close to it. So I think you are right Baltoman. This is on him and he has nobody to blame but himself if he violates our vows. He will have to live with that shame. I told him that to in a letter.
He is unhappy working the shift he is but never does anything to try and better himself not that he needs to. But if someone was unhappy you can always make change.