Kent - Hey!! How are you - I've been reading lately, but not posting much right now - busy with end of school year teacher stuff!

The mistake was that I went to post before I was ready and took it all back! I needed more time to get control of my anger and to process things for myself - kind of a test to see if I could do it. I was too reactive and wanted to become centered. At the moment I thought posting would help, but it did not, so I deleted it! OH, well, at least I learned something from it! I did become more centered and less reactive.

Things here are progressing - slowly but that is ok - it gives me time to practice non-reactive behavior. Tough moment last week - I was very reactive - yucky hormone thing!! It resolved quickly though and things are going smoothly.

I find it hard though, that since we have had trouble, almost any argument can end up with H balking about being back together. I realize what this really is, and don't overreact, but it is tough to take.

The actual incident was symbolic to me more than a real threat, but very unsettling.

H called one afternoon to say he was going to stop by the blues club for a beer before coming home, talked for a bit, made sure it was ok with me (I was fine with it) reminded me he knows that trust is still an issue, etc.- everything seemed great! Just a couple of hours later when he came home, I noticed he was keeping his hand in pocket - and realized he had taken his ring off! I stayed calm, asked him about it, he didn't lie, the gist was that "Sometimes he wants to see what it feels like". This after a weekend of great affection, togetherness, and him talking about how much our 10th anniversary meant to him. I tried to let it go and not make a big deal (only partially successful) but enough so that it did help him talk about why he did it. He said he was going to talk to C alone (has not yet - and he knows I don't believe he will) but I am detached from it and act "as if".

Any male insight on this one?

Then, just a week and a few days later....

Sunday he initiated conversation about positive things in our marriage (list of affirmations from GOttman's 7 Principles book is posted on fridge - he wanted to talk about his thoughts for the week!!) He talked about what he has with me - support, best friend, common goals, etc. I was frankly cynical and he became the cheerleader!! FIRST TIME I CAN RECALL!! He talked about how he gets alot of support in this marriage and wants to work harder at giving it!!

Earlier in the day he was very interested in the children playing around us and a pregnant woman in restaurant - I made the comment " I just don't see that happening for me, anymore... I'll be 35 soon, and my life has been too unsettled..." Later, he told me he was surprised by this and that he wasn't sure that we did have the same goals for the future because of my reluctance - This is a switch for him - We have not discussed having children in about a year! I told him that I want to be a parent for the right reasons, and that I would probably regret not doing it, but that I am afraid to have a child with him. THis could have blown up in my face, but he quietly said "I know"... " and then ..."But I think over the next year things are going to get better, etc...., and I really want us to have a child together !! Blew me away!!


It is hard to stay detached when he seems so up and down,(especially when he is saying all those GREAT things I want to hear).Maybe by not jumping in and trying to fix things - I am just starting to see the results little by little of HIM taking the reigns of OR (if only I can trust enough to completely let go - (I have only in the last few months realized how much of a relationship control freak I had become). I just have to be able to weather the "rough seas" of his implusive behavior right now, without overreacting - I never know when his "inner 17 yr old" is going to pop out!!

Thanks for checking on me, bud!

I've been reading your posts to others, but how are things going with you - how about with the family? I know that has been a toughie lately. If you want to bounce it off me - I'm a listenin".

Think about you a lot!

Biv

[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-05-2001).]