Cally, First, I'm struck by how many games you and your H play with each other. It seems a bit weird for grown adults, who've been together as long as you have, to be engaging in ways to 'catch' the other one. Why do you do this?
Secondly, what does it matter if the OW is in fact an OW? Additionally, what does it matter if he actually used the condoms? The fact is that he WANTS you to think that he did, otherwise he wouldn't have been so blatant as to leave the unused ones in his wallet. He is trying to hurt you. Why do you want to invest your emotional energy into someone who would either A) Go out and have a grudge fling; or B) Go to the trouble of purchasing condoms to make you think he was doing the above.
Either way, he is going to considerable lengths to hurt you and THAT is the issue you should be focusing on. Maybe you could insist on marriage counseling right away, or else be prepared to take drastic action. In the meantime I would not have sex with him, due to the risk of disease.
There seems to be so much drama in your home..you threaten this, he acts out in xyz way....I would stop this right off the bat. Just stop.
Why are you afraid of making changes in your life? You intentionally keep yourself stuck in this unhappy situation by not being firm with your boundaries.
It seems that the only thing holding you and your H together is mutual anger. You deserve better than this. Please think about calming down, removing yourself from the drama, and quietly state your boundaries--what you will and will not tolerate within your marriage. If he chooses to ignore this, then you have to get movin.
