Hey thanks for all the great responses! I'm only able to post after work and have been itching to come reply all day!!
So many thoughtful replies!!
Jenny - I think you are right about H feeling his actions are indefensible - even though his unwillingness to talk about them comes across as defensiveness! I am aware enough about how he behaves to know that is what it is - I don't believe that it is a continuing problem - he did not exhibit this behavior previously, and seems to have it under control now - no unaccounted for time or expenditures. I have talked to him about the possibility of an impulse control problem. In terms of the debt, I don't think a credit counseling service is necessary, and I will think about the resentment/control issue you mentioned in terms of the payback.
Kent- Once again your comments are right on target. I think what drove H away was lack of sexual involvement on my part and my cycle of expressing my disappointment about his other behaviors that were disrespectful. I didn't have a tight rein on finances, but for a long time was the primary earner which affected his feelings of providing. He also got a taste for having $ to spend and did not know how to do it reasonably. In terms of having fun, I am known for being spontaneous, fun and adventurous - for the last 2 years or so we've gone out and had fun regularly - that has never been his complaint - his lack of spontanaety had always been one of mine about him until he went away to school and went to the other extreme!! I am however fine tuning the things I need to in regard to my "reacting" to things that bother me. I did find it interesting that you said he probably would not know what drives him away! I asked him after our argument about all this what it was that I do, that causes him to react the way he does (with anger) and he could not really answer me. I will continue watching and listening to get clues to how to change my behaviors. Thanks for your comments!
Violet - I hear you loud and clear!! I am doing all those same things to take care of myself - I am already for the most part the person I want to be! I might try the "dancing" myself. One of the surprising things about this being an issue for me is that I am VERY open sexually, H and I have been to clubs together on several occasions - had an agreement that if he wanted to go - I would ( I know it is not the same!!) What I am saying is that I am not in the least inhibited or shy in terms of exploring /making sex exciting!! I actually wish we could do less of that - it is easy for me - I want a more "emotionally intimate" connection that H does not seem capable of - at least right now. I think deep emotions are scary for him for a lot of reasons. My H as well is doing many things right - I try to focus on those and communicate that I notice - right now I guess that has to be enough - the rest will come when I fully let go and he believes that I have! Thanks for sharing your experience!
