B-I hope you don't mind, I wanted to commiserate with Violet for a minute...
"We weren't there with our Hs and we'll never know it all. I went back through my planner and looked at the dates on the credit card statements and looked at what I was doing when he went "there". I felt so manipulated by him. I was being the responsible one, taking care of our kids, our home, paying the bills while he was supposedly "working". He told me he was working and I believed him. I guess that makes me the enabler."
Control. I feel controlled and manipulated too.
"C also told me that his going "there" didn't have to do with me - it had to do with how he felt about himself. His sense of manhood. Not feeling like the head honcho of the family. (He started traveling with his job and turned over the bill paying, the child rearing, the house upkeep, everything about our lives he turned over to me. Whenever I'd ask for help or input he was distant or wouldn't respond."
The only difference (well, besides the club thing-with my H it was OW) here is that I didn't withdraw totally from him. He pushed me away-he says from guilt over the A. He told me later, when he returned from the year of work overseas is that he KNEW I'd be able to handle everything, because I am a strong person, "she'll be fine without me".
Even though I was telling him daily that I needed him, missed him, hated to be doing this without him there, would wait for him-"because WE were worth it" (what a laugh THAT one is, because as I was saying this, he was taking on with OW). What all I was saying to him was MY version of enabling him.
My C said the same things, and so has my H. His A was not at all about me. But because I still don't have his story of WHY and what led him to it, I totally blamed myself. If he couldn't tell me what it was/is, then surely it must be my fault.
I know this is a crock. I am also not faultless in this either, from my point of view I have already owned what I feel I should own. But am still quite puzzled as to what HE felt I contributed to his 'making of the horrible decision'-thing. I have suggested a number of theroies to him...and his reply is always, 'no, that's not it'.
I didn't cause it, it was not about me, I do admit to enabling...but damit I still want to know WHY he felt this was the only thing he could do to make himself feel better, the only thing that would 'fix' this crappy situation we were in. I think he was escaping...although to this, he also says 'no that's not it'.
I will take my own advice here and practice what I preach....patience. Lots of it. And reading to gain more of the other perspective... He may never be able to tell me what I feel I need to know so I know I have to let go of it.
Today I choose to be happy, to forgive and move forward. (even tho those demons still try to eat away at my insides....)
