I know it feels...it's like holding your breath and waiting for the NEXT lie, the NEXT credit card charge you didn't know about...and in my case, the NEXT IM screen name or email account to be revealed. When you say:
"I felt lied to all over again, as he had not been forthcoming in this information before I found it - we have talked about this issue on only 2 occasions since I moved out, and both times I brought it up."
I have also said pretty much those exact words-H and I talked the other night (of course I brought it up) and he said that he wants to put the whole thing as far behind him as possible. I had to bite my tongue and not reply 'Well that's great honey-and where does that leave me?' because, as you say here:
"I cannot just brush huge things under the rug without mentioning them at all - as H would like, it seems from his inability to bring them up himself."
Me neither. In my never-ending search for the "WHY" of the A, what led him to it and his emotional state that he was in when he made the decision, I have learned just how incapable my H is of understanding and facing his own feelings. Like Kent says, he may not even know himself, my H says he doesn't know...I like to believe the picture is becomming more clear to him and pray that he will eventually be able to talk to me-UNsolicited by me. For now I have to let go of that intense need to know.
"He said it is in the past, he knows it was wrong, said he was sorry, he's making it up what more do I want him to do?!"
Am there, heard that, and FEEL this:
"This was a matter that needed to be addressed in some way - even though it is in the past - full disclosure has not been made - I have been waiting for 6 weeks for him to tell me about it!"
The only thing I can offer that might help you pretty much sucks in the way of advice..and that is patience. (see told you it sucks) I am probably the most impatient person you'd ever meet, but then again, I have a feeling you'all know exactly how this feels!
You have gotten some great ideas from Kent and Violet (a.k.a. 'the dancer chick', girl that was great-I'll have to try that myself, what a kick!)
Listen to them. Their advice is sound. It is hard, but one thing I have realized since posting here (rebuilding) is that as long as you are making positive steps toward yourself, your spouse and your marriage, no matter how small and seemingly unnoticed they are by the spouse, you are STILL moving forward.
As far as the way you approached you H, to you it seemed that you did not attack him, you were calm and rational, did not yell or accuse. Good job, but I will tell you (only because H has told C and me) that no matter what the tone of voice, how calm and rational I may sound, no matter how I term it or the context, it's the MESSAGE that I am sending....i.e., 'you're a cheater and a lying bastard' - that's what HE hears, he feels GUILT. A whole lotta GUILT and shame. Because he knows he messed up BIG TIME and he cannot change it.
Try to keep this in mind...his guilt is not your fault, and maybe you should tell him that you understand it makes him feel bad, but there are gonna be times when you need to talk about it. I have told my H that I understand it makes him feel bad and guilty and ashamed; but too bad. There are times I need to talk about it, and I need him to talk back. I promised not to yell, or belittle, or even be the slightest bit snippy. He agreed. (I also told him to suck it up and face it like a man-but that's when I was still being snippy).
One thing I have started doing as well, when I find something I think he's lied about or is currently lying about, I mention it...do not ask for any details, and drop it without a second thought (well, at least that's what I let him think). The few times I've been able to do it he's come back with an explanation. I think if he feels that it doesn't bother or hurt me, then it's 'safe' for him to talk about it. So far they have been pretty unsignificant issues...but I'm working on it!
He has said many times he doesn't ever want to hurt me again-wants to spare my feelings-protect me...perhaps your H feels his is doing this by not telling you everything-even when asked? I know, I know, if he doesn't want to hurt you...there are many better ways to do that...like, um....NOT cheating??!!!
