I read through your stuff. Wow! Kent is right about the disclosure. I've had to let go. I kept asking more and more questions. We were in C and that's where I'd get into it with him. Things would be okay during the week but then it seemed like everytime we went to C I just unleashed everything I'd been stewing about internally. We weren't there with our Hs and we'll never know it all. I went back through my planner and looked at the dates on the credit card statements and looked at what I was doing when he went "there". I felt so manipulated by him. I was being the responsible one, taking care of our kids, our home, paying the bills while he was supposedly "working". He told me he was working and I believed him. I guess that makes me the enabler.
C also told me that his going "there" didn't have to do with me - it had to do with how he felt about himself. His sense of manhood. Not feeling like the head honcho of the family. (He started traveling with his job and turned over the bill paying, the child rearing, the house upkeep, everything about our lives he turned over to me. Whenever I'd ask for help or input he was distant or wouldn't respond. I stopped asking his input and withdrew emotionally, big mistake.)
I refuse to be the victim. At first, I fell apart right in front of him and was the little victim. Thank God that's over. H has done a 180 on me with his behavior. Sometimes I think that it's all to good to be true. C says my anger comes from either my frustration or fear. I've been working on me - not letting me get frustrated. And I'm facing my fear. My fear is that he'll lie again or deceive me in some way. I've done my research on the club thing and am over any "fear of the unknown". At least your H took you there so you experienced for yourself. My H refuses to take me, even now, and you know from reading my stuff that I wasn't able to get in there alone.
Actually, I rented a video last Friday night and watched it while H was out doing the weekly sports thing with the guys. It's called In the Flesh and is interviews with women who are in that industry. It was informative, not entertaining and took any remaining mystery out of it for me. I've rented other videos, too. I've even learned the art of that type of dance via video tapes and gave H a little sample the other night. (Go, Violet!) Thanks to the DBers who suggested it.
The main thing that I have been able to do is get strong within myself. I continue to exercise, eat right, work out, take care of me. Whatever happens in the future, I know that I am a better person. My H volunteered to give up the club thing and I am trying my hardest to trust that. (Although, I did get caught up in the snooping but now I keep myself busy and am breaking myself of that.) I am trying to be the best me and the best W that I can be. If things fall apart again, I am strong enough to handle that.
My H is embarassed about the clubs and that's why he won't discuss it. He's afraid he'll say something that I'll latch onto and then decide that's the last straw - if you did such and such, H, then it's over. C told me she respected H's decision not to give me details. That pi**ed me off.
Anyway, I decided the club stuff was the catalyst that got us to C, to Retrouvaille, and back on the right path to each other. I exhausted myself with thinking about the past but now I see that I'm so much better off if I live for today and plan for the future. Do what works - do what moves me towards H - don't do things that move me away from H. I feel so much better.
If H deceives me again, it's over. I know it and so does he. I have my limits. He's doing so many things that are right. The people on this BB have helped me so much, too.
