Today - I have officially moved myself to this area of DB. I have been home over a week and have had to do my share of DB'ing already. This time getting back together has been less enthusiastic on both of our parts. However, we have had some fun.
Yesterday, I had to get something off my chest and I reacted rather than acted, I guess you could say. I just don't know how to handle the BIG things in a way that is effective. I was paying bills last night and I get to the credit card bills. I thought I knew about all the charges H made in his strip club binge - from seeing a DIFFERENT credit card bill. I think I mentioned it in a previous post.
The reason I thought this was all was because H never mentioned any others. Well... last night I saw the rest. It was a whopping $656 total on both cards - I had already taken the cards themselves back. He just never mentioned any details about any of it - I did not ask as this is what Arnold had suggested would be a 180 for me, however, I found out he had not told me how many times he had been (still has not) and how much $ total he blew (he has not accounted for a $700 bonus he got in early march or several check advances during the same month)
Last night I did not attack him, but I must say I did react - I was so shocked by what I saw!!! I could not just let it go! - I said , "Honey, I did not realize that you had used ___ card at the strip clubs. too! And asked did you know that you spent $ amount, etc. I did get upset as we had agreed that we weren't going to use these cards - I am using my whole paycheck to whittle down our debt - and he does this.
I felt lied to all over again, as he had not been forthcoming in this information before I found it - we have talked about this issue on only 2 occasions since I moved out, and both times I brought it up.
I cannot just brush huge things under the rug without mentioning them at all - as H would like, it seems from his inability to bring them up himself.
He said it is in the past, he knows it was wrong, said he was sorry, he's making it up what more do I want him to do?! He said this matter of factly in a very loud voice - sounds really sincere!
I have to assume that "making it up" means $, because making it up to me would mean acknowledging how I feel about it- he has not - He responds to my anger (I did not yell or make disrespectful judgements - I speak in I messages and about the worst I can say is that I use a "firm" tone of voice)with defensiveness and anger back at me - I swear I did not attack him! I held myself back from saying much of what I wanted to -
My biggest problem with all of it was that he had not told me about this and let me be surprised - and then got mad when I wanted more information, and wanted him to try to understand how I was feeling about it. REMEMBER THIS WAS THE CULMINATING EVENT THAT CAUSED ME TO MOVE OUT.
I'm sure I could have/should have handled it differently - but I don't know how - I was as gentle as I could have been without seeming whiny when I brought it up - inside I was outraged!!!
This was a matter that needed to be addressed in some way - even though it is in the past - full disclosure has not been made - I have been waiting for 6 weeks for him to tell me about it!
I am ready for the feedback about how I approached him - I know this is what I would say to someone else in my position - however - This was a biggie, and I did not blast him! I DID want to talk about it! I DID push when he would not - That is about the only thing I regret - I don't know how else to be heard, and I don't know any other way to get a response (even knowing the response I would get would be difficult at best)
I am rambling now - so I'll leave it for the comments of you wise people... Man , you would think I have been at this long enough to figure out how to do this kind of interaction!!!
