Open question As I read through parts of this board, I have also experienced the mixed feelings of relief, joy, anger and resentment over having been the "wronged" spouse. I have been carefully examining my contribution to the deterioration of the marriage which eventually led to W's EA/PA so I am not holding myself completely harmless.
My relationship has improved greatly compared to a year ago when things were very uncertain. My wife fluctuates between, during the better times, "high appreciation" and some feelings of love for me. When she is "low," I would describe her as "resigned to staying married for the kids sake, 'tolerant' of me with no desire to go back to OM or to be with someone else.
Now here's the question, what books have been recommended to those who are in the recovery stage? What "online" resources have been helpful?
Also, some have mentioned experiencing what they call "post traumatic snydrome" behaviors, feelings or experiences? Can anyone elaborate on this a bit and if so, how are you dealing with these feelings?
I have read and continue to read books to cultivate the fire such as "Light Her Fire," and "The Five Love Languages." I think I have "After the affair" and have read bits and pieces but I misplaced it. Looking forward to learning and growing some more and sharing what I've learned if it can be of help, C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
C2H You probably know about these already but other than this board my favorite besides Retrouvaille (my very favorite as you've undoubtedly gathered) is marriagebuilders.com.
ALTL- haven't been to retro yet, have a church marriage retreat (not til Oct.) which are always pretty focused on opening up communication. Haven't been to marriagebuilders.com for a while, will do so. Thanks
Any additional suggestions, ALTL? Anyone else?
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I'm on the mailing list from Smartmarriage.com -- I get lots of good ideas from there. It's more of a society/cultural view. It helps, though to look at the studies and articles of where things go wrong. Also how to correct them.
Somewhere on one of these boards, I found a reference to the work John Gottman.
He's a relationship therapist/researcher. Checkout his site http://www.gottman.com/ I just finished his latest book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", and found it one of the top 3 books I've read since beginning my strange journey. I would love to have my W read it and work through it with me. But, she's still too busy trying to convince me we need a divorce to even consider why we don't.
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldy, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
This has probably been the biggest help besides DB. Check out their history and why they have set up the ministry.
It sounds like my mantra. It explains how I feel (alot more now than I used to-and even more so every day).
It is so hard to keep focused on this. Every day there are things that bring me right back to darn near day 1. Like Kent said in another post-I am choosing to feel those things. I can make me happy-no one else. This sure helps.
I have a question about the Standers Affirmation...
Have any of you given this to your spouse that cheated? I am considering asking my H to read it-so he knows where I am trying to come from he understands the committment I have to my marriage-even tho he may think I am becomming withdrawn by turning my feelings inward.
But I am afraid that the third paragraph will upset him and make him feel that I am pointing fingers at him, calling him filthy (even tho cheating is filthy)...
Thoughts? Anyone shared this with thier unfaithful spouse?
I am not sure my H is ready for this...I am not sure I am ready for him to see it...
