OK folks lets see if we can identify the key elements that Michele agrees with here. Maybe she will even come back and comment .
Here is what I see and like:
Dana found a way to feel comfortable with what her H wanted to do (support OW through a tough time).
By communicating together to the OW Dana and her H have a fair degree of resolution with her.
I know I need to do better with the first point. I've been letting my fear and the feeling of threat control me too much and at times ask my H to cater to me too much. Yesterday I had a long talk with my sister (who, because I'm such a hard head, is one of the very few people that can tell me when I'm way off base). How I hope I can hang onto understanding this.
Early on it was important to me for my H to be kind but firm with the OW. Both of the therapists we've seen have encouraged absolutely no contact with the OW. My H describes pretty negative feelings for her and for himself during that period. He says that because their feelings were base totally in fantasy he discounts them. My feelings have run the gammut.
It is possible that I or both of us will run into her at some point (even though we've moved far away, I'm a frequent visitor there and my H occasionally goes with me) and I'd like to have some resolution with her before that would happen. I spent the better part of a day writing her once but even after all that effort it wasn't a good letter. Still have a ways to go to be in a healthy frame of mind.
I'm very happy that you Dana and your H have had this experience. Hope all of us find the grace and poise you did and courageously implement it. Hope your H and the OW feel things are now resolved, you all continue to wish each other well (from afar seems best to me), and find ways to make life happy.
ALTL
[This message has been edited by alottolearn (edited 04-12-2001).]
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