GH, what you recently wrote about W, and OT pointed out, the dramatic outbursts really hit home for me. Sadly, I was prone to the same thing. Not with illness, etc, but with getting mad at H for falling asleep and not listening, being needy, angry at H for failing my invisible tests/needs, outbursts. Sadly, also, it didn't need alcohol to come out. Just a way that I learned to act with him. He too was passive, then just cracked.
Now...I am different. It kills me to think I was ever that way. I have really changed. Why was I like that, why did I ever act that way? Well, as OT stated, I was unhappy about so many things, wanted H's time and support and attention when he was so busy being engrossed in his own misery over work and life (M too, I suppose), and I let it out in some really unhealthy ways. Not processing the feelings or expressing them in appropriate ways.
Her chasing you and anger at falling asleep....for me, I felt I needed H, but didn't articulate in a normal, clear way that it's what I wanted. In her case, with all her guilt, trouble she has caused (A, DUI, etc) she can't say "I know I hurt you, but I need you..." b/c it confuses her. I also think with your moods in the past, there must have been times that she needed someone to reach out and you didn't, absorbed in your own feelings, as my H was. So she lashes out instead, so used to not getting someone to reach out.
Mostly, she's frustrated at life. Taking it out on you. It's horrible, and happens. We show our worst behavior to those closest to us....it's why we're all here, right? It's the first lesson I had to learn. The kindness, understanding and little things I show to others has to come first in my M, and it WORKS.
I was frustrated, at an absent, angry H. I was frustrated at life in lots of little ways, but mostly, I realized that it was H's mood that rubbed off on me. I'm NOT blaming him...my actions are my own, and they were bad. But, once I removed myself from his feelings and also got happy myself and took control, it got better. H got better too, and realizes his part.
I am in no way excusing my own behavior or your W's. I am trying to explain it, as it seems so irrational (and is) to others. It's a level of frustration like you don't know what to do, you'll explode, you're unhappy, so you let it out in unhealthy, immature ways. Right now, she is scared, pissed at herself for getting into this mess, for being a person who might actually go to jail, for seeing a great and strong H and seeing that she almost lost that, in ways did by the whole A. She is ashamed and guilty, unhappy and frustrated.
What is wrong is she is still letting it out in wrong ways. That is something she will have to learn on her own, as I did. You can't help her with that. All you can do is perhaps tell her that you can understand that she's feeling these things, but she needs to let it out in more productive ways for the M to grow.
Second, seems that she is really needy and attention-seeking at times with calls to work, etc. I called H all the time too, testing how long he stayed on the phone and when he came back. I was lonely and needy. Now, I GAL, and really dug deep to the feelings attached to these sudden spouts of neediness. For me, they stemmed from previous R's of ours that I felt H did not care and shoved me away. I cut the cord from these emotions and realize that he tries his best, and I understand. It still helps when I get a little assurance from H that he cares and sees my POV...esp after his A.
My suggestion: if she calls again, and says that "I know you can't take time off" say "yeah, I it's tough for me to take time out now. But, if you need me, I will make time. I would really LOVE to be there for you now, I want you to know that--I care and am worried about you when you're not feeling well. Though I have to be here today, I'll be thinking of you and will check up on you. If there's anything you need, give a call. How does that sound?" Then, call her regularly to check in. I don't think this is 'weak' male behavior, but rather standing your ground to stay at work,but reassuring her that you care and can care for her from afar, not just in person. It means so much. Chances are, she will be calmed and won't call again.
Strike the balance between strong and sweet/caring. You can do it. Be consistent with those messages, together. She WILL get it.
Also, OT is so RIGHT ON about her advice on appreciating the LLs that spouses give, even if they are their own and not ours. It's still given in LOVE, with that bright-eyed, excited love, so don't reject it b/c it's not what YOU were looking for. Of course, keep pushing to find ways your needs are met too. Ex, for my H, gifts are a LL, not mine. They feel like guilt gifts at times, but to him, they mean a lot to do for me. I accept them with the excitement he gives them. It means a lot to him and to me.
