Quote: No, I didn't know that stuff about her drinking. The amount she is drinking doesn't necessarily sound extreme. It is more the pattern -- the late night buzzed dramas -- that suggest she is relying on alcohol to cope rather than really making changes in her life so that she is happy.
Sorry OT, sometimes it feels like you have been with me from the beginning. Yea, in the beginning I was talking a LOT about my W's drinking and many people here, and my C in real life, said I was making WAY too much of an issue about it considering what I was telling them (i.e. the amounts, patterns, etc). Sure, she DOES self medicate, this I know, and YES she is using it right now to cope but she doesn't always do that, or at least I don't think she does. Like I said, I don't really know. Since I don't drink or do anything else in terms of "substance" to cope, I don't know personally much about it.
Quote: And, it doesn't help that she seems to take things out on you when this happens...
No, it doesn't but it really doesn't get to me anymore. Most of the time, our conflicts that happened when she was drinking were as much to do with my "mood" as her drinking. When I just learned to validate her, all that changed. Last night was one of the first times in a LONG time that she "went at me" like that. I am not saying I think it's ok for her to do, just that it doesn't happen NEARLY as much as it used to.
Quote: Re focusing on the alcohol, then the A, then XYZ... in trying to figure out WTH is going on. Pretty standard stuff to look for THE KEY. Actually, THE KEY is pretty straightforward -- the old R wasn't working for either P and one of the Ps figured that out first.
I think this is a GREAT idea. You are right, and that's why it bothers me to revisit the drinking thing again, because I felt like I was looking for THE reason things were happening. The drinking, if it's NOT alcoholism (and I suspect that it is not) is a symptom just like the A. The REAL issues are the problems in our marriage, and that's what I want to focus on.
I too now understand that the old M was not good for either of us and I will do my part to make sure that I don't fall back into that bad marriage but unlike NM, my W already lives with me so it's a bit of a different process.
