Quote: Postponing discussion until after the court case seems to be sensitive, caring, and supportive.
I hope so.
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But please talk to your C about your own wants and needs. Continuing to subordinate them is not good for you, and, trust me, it is NOT an attractive feature to women.
I know. I do not want to continue to do this any longer than I feel I need to. I WILL address this with my C and eventually with my W.
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Your W seems very self-absorbed. These late night phone calls and mini-dramas make me wonder if she has an active substance abuse problem. Was she drinking when she called her sister late at night?
Yes, my W is self-absorbed. This I know, and it's something I need to figure out if I can accept, or if it can change. She didn't used to be this way but for the past year or so, and especially since the A, she has been. I just see it as a byproduct of the A or MLC or something. I WILL need her to be able to fill some of MY needs at some point and honestly, when I look at our marriage, she has not always been the best at that...then again, I wouldn't let her so...
As for the drinkig, you know, or at least I think you know, that I started out this whole thing with the idea that my W had a drinking problem. I still think she may, and yes, she was drinking last night. She drinks to some extent every night. Sometimes it is just a glass of wine or two with dinner, sometimes it is a bottle throughout the night. I truly don't know if she has a "problem" or not. I know that since I stopped "having a problem", i.e. getting upset and in a "mood" as the night went on, with her drinking, it has been much more out in the open (she used to try to conceal it) and actually she's been drinking less. I don't know what to think sometimes, but I do think that I may have jumped the gun in thinking she had a "problem". It's not really something I focus on much these days.
To really go back to my "beginnings", I had to admit, and I figured this out in therapy, that if I am honest, I have a problem with drinking at all considering that I don't drink. I never really wanted to admit this, but when my C helped me understand that I felt most, if not all the people in my life who drink have a "problem" it became clear that I did not have a good idea of what that meant and was not the best person to judge. That doesn't mean she DOESN'T have a problem, it just means that I understand that I needed to try to get away from judging people just because they drink.
This is a complicating factor in my sitch, one I am not ignoring but since I removed it as my MAIN focus (I even focused on her drinking MORE than the affair in the beginning, thinking it was the CAUSE of everything) it has become a sort of non-issue. Maybe I am just in denial but I really don't see her habits as much different than anyone else I know who drinks, and trust me, in the early days, I asked a TON of people. I know her being similar or the same as others doesn't make her "right" but it does let me feel better that she is not "abnormal" so far as can tell.
