You all say you like to read my posts...this will be the test...sorry for the marathon in advance...
Well, yesterday I feel off the wagon. I managed to get back on, but not before scraping my knees pretty badly.
First, some background on something I don't know if I mentioned before. We had this big, old, ugly couch in our living room that W has wanted to get rid of for a long time. During our last big R talk, she said that OM's brother, the one who according to her has been instrumental in helping her separate from OM and keeping him away from her, was moving with his W and kids to a new apartment and needed a couch. She asked me if I would mind if we gave it to him. I said I didn't know and would have to think about it. I told her that I wanted it gone but didn't know how I felt about him coming to our house, all things considered. In the end, I think I just said it was up to her but I was somewhat uncomfortable. She said if I was AT all uncomfortable, she would just give it to the Salvation Army.
That was a couple weeks ago...fast forward to last week. W tells me that OM's brother wants to come to get the couch on Memorial day. I didn't say much. Days went by and I really didn't think much of it until Sunday when she started to clean the thing up. That's when my fall started. Really, it started back when I did't either just accept the couch going to him, or say a definite "no" to it happening back when the original conversation happened. You know, that direct and honest stuff...damn.
So, W is busy cleaning the couch and I start making comments. I don't know where the hell my DB or "new me" went but he was nowhere to be found. Back was the passive/aggressive, sarcastic, caustic me that almost cost me my marriage. I was upstairs looking down on her cleaning. Earlier I had mentioned that I wanted to watch a movie with her but she said she had a lot to do and didn't think we'd have time. So, of course, being the old, controlling me, I was VERY upset that she was cleaning that damn couch for that damn relative of the OM and THAT was causting us our movie time. I said "You should just leave it dirty. It's free, let him clean it." She said she would be doing it no matter who was taking it away. I said that was BS. She still didn't bite. I clearly wanted a fight I guess but she wasn't going along with it. She just kept working and I kept making little comments. A bit later, I was walking past her and blurted out "I don't remember ever saying I was ok with this." She just replied "I told you when he wanted to come by and you didn't say anything. He's coming now, just accept it." Once again, I didn't say much. Later, in a really pathetic voice, I said "I liked it better when you gave a damn what I thought." By some strange force of will I have not seen much from W, she STILL didn't bite. She just said "I do care what you think but it's too late now. I wish you would have just been honest with me about how you felt." I said "I thought I told you I was uncomfortable with it." She said "Yes, and also that it was up to me in the end." I let it go again.
...until yesterday morning when things snowballed. All morning I was on edge. I really can't tell you why all of a sudden all my ability to detach and DB left me. I guess I decided that I wanted drama instead of progress.
From the first minutes we were up, I was pissy. Normally I get up with the kids but I told them that W was going to get up with them. I had every intention to stay in bed while he came. When the kids refused to let me sleep in, I got up and stomped around like a wounded peacock. Eventually, W and I talked about the plans for the day. Remember, I had hurt my toe and was sick so...
We had promised the kids a trip to Disney. W was saying how she had painting and things to do around the house (she really did, things we didn't get done the day before) and I said, in what I thought was a clearly sarcastic tone, "Ok, I will take the kids to Disney and you can stay home." That was all we said and a few minutes later, she said "I need you to check the bank balance before you go..."
I was set off. "What do you mean before I go, where are YOU going to be?" She said "You said you would take them." I said "I was not serious. I am sick and my toe hurts. Are you kidding?" She said "Then why go at all, just lay in bed and I will take them somewhere."
BTW, what a whining little b!tch I was being...I even knew that at the time and did nothing to stop. I HATE THAT!
We talked a bit more, I calmed down and said that I was ok to take them (back to passive again), that I was really feeling better and for her to just stay. She said she would go if I wanted her to. I said not if she didn't really want to go. Anyway, it was decided that I take them alone.
Oh, and it was not over...yet. When W was finishing up getting ready, I jumped in the shower, intending to be gone when before OM's brother arrived. As I was getting in, I uttered the most obvious thing ever said to another person in the history of mankind..."W, in case you haven't figured it out, I am pissed about the couch thing." She said something to the effect of "no $hit". I went on to say that I just needed to get over myself, and she agreed. She then called me on the shower thing, asking why I was trying to be gone before he arrived. I said I was concerned mostly about whether OM's brother was going to be with him. She said hell no and that I should never have been worried about that, or if I was, I should have talked to her about it.
Anyway, I just said I agreed and took my shower, assuring her that I was NOT leaving before he got there...(anymore).
He arrived, WITHOUT OM (just some friend and his kids to help), was a pretty nice guy and left without fanfare. He seemed to be a little uncomfortable but oh well.
After he left, I packed the kids up and as we were leaving, I could tell W was in a mood...wonder why. I sent the kids over to the couch where she was to say goodbye. Then I was trying to decide if I wanted to walk over to her and give her a hug. I decided against it, which was strange because I usually would. In the course of coming back for a few things I forgot, W still didn't get off the couch. I stopped and said "Did it ever occur to you to just give me a hug and reassure me things were ok instead of getting in a mood?" She said yes but now that I said it, it was moot. Anyway, I put on a little show of walking over and kissing the top of her head and leaving.
Oh, and it was not over...yet...
We had to turn back one more time to get S6's autograph book and I called W at home to have her bring it out to us. She didn't answer. As I was pulling back into the development, she was leaving, and on her phone...here it goes again. I made a U turn, honked at her and when she seemed to not acknowledge me, I just turned around again and sped back towards the house. A moment later she called me and asked what that was all about. I tried to sound calm, saying "nothing, I just forgot something", already upset at myself for continuing to act like an idiot but she saw through it, muttered something like "unbelievable" and said she was just going out to get cigs and would I like to follow her? I said no, but her sarcasm set me off again and I said "Well, I am upset at the fact that you couldn't seem to get off the couch to see us off but the minute we're gone, you're off somewhere..." She said, more angrily this time, "I am going to the store, you are more than welcome to follow me." I didn't respond. I knew this was likely true because she was watching some tennis on TV (W is a FANATIC when it comes to the tennis majors, and especially the French Open, so I have almost NO doubt about her intention to be right back home) and would want to watch the end. That was also why she didn't really get up to see us off, it was the end of a 5 set match and she was glued...no excuse really, but reason that when coupled with her being pissed at me, explaines her behavior.
After getting the book, I did stop by the store, bad decision #123 of the day, and she was already coming out to her car. I got out, she smiled and said it seemed like she was being followed by a detective. I said I wasn't following her, I just wanted my hug, hugged her, sincerely apologized for the morning and the night before and left. As I was leaving, she said "You know, this is the worst, when you act like you did this morning." I said, "I know." and uncharacteristically, left it at that. The REAL old me would have tried to "fix" things right there. The new me understood that I needed to stop right there and give us both time and space.
WTF? I just lost it. I don't know why. I don't like myself for it. I started immediately to try to stop myself. I just needed to get away from her for a few minutes and calm down. I knew no matter what, I SCREWED up. Again, I allow myself being upset at the couch sitch but NOT to handle it that way. My new way of thinking is that if I don't deal with something directly and honestly, then I just accept the consequences but I DON'T do the passive/aggressive thing. Well, I did it and I just hope there was not too much damage done.
There IS a silver lining to all this. I DO think W actually felt bad about the couch thing and if I didn't act like a little b!tch, she probably would have called him and told him not to take it. In the end, I THINK she may have understood that I was just upset and I did admit to being a jerk. Whatever the reason, she ended up calling me as we were almost at the part (we don't live that far away) and said she changed her mind, she wanted to go with us and was it too late. I said no, and said we'd be there to pick her up soon. The kids were ecstatic and actually, so was I because I really wanted to show that unlike the past, when something like the morning's events would have tainted my mood for at least the day, if not more, I really WAS the new man that understood that such behavior, however seemingly justified, was not good.
I picked W up and we proceeded to have a WONDERFUL day at Disney. Really, it was the best time we have all had together in a while.
Somewhere in all that drama, I did manage to tell W that even though it wasn't coming out well, "this is me trying to be honest with you about how I feel" and she said she understood that. Maybe that was what did the trick.
I don't know how that day turned out well. I really do feel terrible about how I behaved but I forgave myself and moved on. I THINK W did too. I just hope she wasn't pushed away too much by that display of the "old" me.
I think what happened was that I truly have become complacent and when the first big trigger came along (not really faced one in a couple weeks or more) I found out that I was on DB cruise control, that I was no longer trying as hard as I need to. I was no longer doing the work I needed to do and it showed very clearly over the past 48 hours.
