I understand where both of you are coming from. The aftermath of an affair and a spouse returning (in my case my h never left)is very difficult. We're dealing with raw feelings, as well as needing to find a healthy balance between trying so hard not to lose them, and trying so hard not to lose ourselves. Have either one of you listened to Michele's KLA tapes? They're great, and might help both you and your spouses to get a better balance. Remember if it's not working, change something. The other good book is Getting Through to the man you Love, she's got some great ideas in there.
