Dee and RB, thanks for your posts. Actually, I have the book somewhere but I have not gotten very far in it. I will go back to it after PM.
As for what you, RB, describe as some of what that author talks about in the book, and was posted by dee, I think that is really good stuff but for me, it will just take some practice. I am not that guy yet. I don't know if I will ever really be because it just isn't my personality but I KNOW I can do "better" than I have been and I WANT to learn so I should be able to grow into the best "man" I can be. I know personality can be a trap and that we can always change. I just feel like I am pretty happy with who I am with a few modifications and it's in those modifications, really just letting myself EXPERIENCE life with my W instead of trying to control it, that I believe my greatest potential success will be.
For all I post about this stuff, I am really trying not to over think it. I need to do a LOT more DOING and less thinking...I think.
Again, thanks guys. I WILL keep reading and hopefully someday, I'll actually get it.
Grasshopper looks like your doing good work in your M. I'm pleased for you.
I actually just dropped over to say you've just given me the best laugh of my week with your sensitive and thoughtful discussion with Neos_wife on the poem and being "anti-feminist".
Maybe I have a sick sense of humour and need to get a life, but it was very very funny.
Thanks
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
GH, I too went and bought PM. I am only on page 87, it is not a very easy read but I am starting to get it. Now, if H and I ever get to the point where we start up a physical R again, I really think it will be better than ever. What is your take on the book?
GH, my DBing friend....its been awhile since I've actually chimed in on your sitch and I think the only reasons I hadn't is becasue you seem to be doing very well and making great progress. Good for you! I've always seen very positive things coming from your sitch and now they are paying off. You've been an invaluable source of inspiration to me and I couldn't be happier for you.
Let me know what you think of PM, I'm sorta intrigued.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH, I haven't posted much on anyone's threads before, but yours is one that I look forward to reading everyday. Just want to say that I think you're doing great. Making good progress. handeling things very well. I know that everything you do and say to W is always a question in your mind, if what your doing is right. I've been down this road before. 8yrs ago. My H had EA with a coworker. I had my suspicion's. Asked if he was involed with her and denied it. What a slap in the face that was. I thought I was the good W. We had are problems yes, but never in a million years thought this would happen to me. I saw this OW every day. My kids and I would visit daddy for dinner and there she would be, having a brake during that time. She was there just to make sure H didn't try to be close with me. I asked him over and over if he was seeing her and every time said no. I found out one year after he ended it with her.Thier EA lasted 6 months. She was married, with a one year old baby girl. He for some reason keeped all of her letters and cards she gave him. One for his b-day,one for fathers day, and even one on OUR anniversary, and one on my b-day saying she was hoping he would think of her when he was OUT with me.!!!! He gave her one on Mothers Day. I never got a card from him on mothers day. So every year these are the worst days ever. I am a survivor of and EA. I of course went around it the wrong way. Yelling, screaming, crying, asking way, what did I do, how can I change. Every question I could think of about their EA, I wanted to know. He gave me the answers I wanted, but it did not make it any easier. We went through a year of MC, together and alone. I found out that he ended the EA because she was seeing 2 other guys from his work. I even called her when I found out. That was crazy. She tryed to reassure me that my H was in love with me. That I no longer had any thing to worry about. I just let her know that I won that I would get past this and that I hoped she asked for forgivness, and that she never does this to another family. The reason I found this site was becouse after 8yrs of recovery I have run into this W. She happens to work where my son plays hockey. I almost died when I saw her and of course let H know. Many emotions came to the surface. Talking to my H has helped. I don't talk about the EA. but knowing that H is here for me makes all the differents in the world. Well you get the picture. They say time heals all wounds but they never said the scars go away. This is something I live with everyday. But I don't let it control my life. My H has seen the pain, the the struggles of everyday life this has put on me. There are no words to say that express what I went through. Just the feeling deep in my soul. It took a long time for us to be intimate. I learned over the years I can't push my H into sex. It can take days. first we go through the teasing, chasing,touching. But in the end we become intimate. Well enough rambling on. Just keep up the good work and I look forward to the day you tell us about the "Big Day."
Keep up with the touching, the hints, and the teasing. She is responding to you in her own time. Like just the other night. This was good. I look forward to see more progress in your stich. and I see things slowly turning for the better. You are a strong man. I don't have any words of wisdom to say, just that I keep you and everyone are in my daily prayers. and if in anyway I can help I'm here. You have alot of good people here to help you. You all have such great stranght.
Wow you all, thanks for the nice words. I had a wedding today and was not able to be on at all. I will catch up on everyone and post some specific responses to my sitch as well tomorrow.
GH, your threads move faster than the speed of light....lol Anyway, I will post here since I don't get much attention on my thread (sorry). I finished Passionate Marriage. I found it very much above my head and difficult to comprehend - could be my lack of education (only finished high school), any who, the gist of the book, which by the way I felt could have been written in alot less pages, says, in my opinoin, that you need to feel good about yourself before you can expect anyone else to feel good about you. Stop trying to get validation from other people. Don't look to your spouse to make you happy. Hug and don't let go first, kiss and make love with your eyes wide open. Connect with your spouse, do not hide your true feelings behind closed eyes. Take pleasure from your spouse and do not feel bad about it. Get it, I think.
One that note, when H and I put our youngest to bed we hugged and I kissed him - he then grabbed my face with both hands and totally "made out" with me, french kissed and all. I about died! But then, I had to belch, I stopped and told him so. (Sorry, had a beer and that is what it does to me). He was then done. I feel I was given a test and failed it miserably. We talked a while, and he said basically don't worry, things will happen in time. I told him, things won't just happen, we have to make it happen........
Anyway, I wish I could go back. What I have been waiting for for so long is gone and I can't get it back and I don't know if I will ever get this opportunity again.
I am going to do what GH did a few nights ago, and not bring it up or acknowledge it and see where it goes from here.
GH, again, sorry for the hijack but we're buds, right?
Seriously, your H is telling you all the same things my W is telling me, and so far, so good. Just reel in your impatience and try to understand that this is a process for him too, one he is probably trying to get through on his own, without great people like we have here to help him. Think about it, how long would it have taken you to figure out "what to do" in certain situations if you couldn't read and post here? I know I own most everything to this place and I have to think that we shouldn't discount the huge advantage WE have in all this because of the vast resource this sight has been for us.
I guess we give them time...too bad we can't "give" them something like this site, or the books we've read. I think they just have to go at their own pace and so long as that pace is going in the right direction, I think we just go with the flow.
GH, I really don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this site or read DR. I probably would have lost my cool and reacted to my emotions and would be divorced by now. Thank GOD for this site and the people here!!
Actually, I give my H alot of credit cause you're right, he is doing this on his own without the benefit of the resources that I have. He could have also thrown in the towel and reacted to his emotions and left me and our kids BUT he didn't. I see he is really trying. It might not be a the pace that I want, but guess what - not everything is about me. This is something that I have learned, before everything revolved around me and my feelings. I have learned that everyone is an individual with their own thoughts and feelings and just because they are not the same as mine doesn't mean they are wrong. What a process this has been. It has given us all so much strength in the face of disaster that none of us knew we even had!! So as much as the A sucks, it has actually been a learning experience for us, one that I'm sure will make us and our marriages much better in the long run.
