****But then it happens… I become myself again. The one who sticks up for herself and has strong opinions. My husband gets his back up and says he hates confrontation. I push him and he says that is one thing that attracted him to the Ow … she didn't argue with him.****
EXACTLY. I could not have said it better myself.
Is your H a procrastinator? Mine sure is. Not at all in his professional life-based on what he does he cannot be, but where just about everything else in concerned, he is. That is why I used to push, because if I did not, things would just not get done. We bought a live tree (with a root ball) for Christmas last year...it got taken outside to be planted- yesterday. I suggested a few times that 'gee today might be a good day to move Harold-yes, we named it-but it never happened, I did NOT push the issue).
I am different now. Basically I am still the same person, but not the over reactive-fly-off-the-cuff, opinionated and often loud, person I was...but along with that; my confidence, self assuredness, take-charge ability, belief in myself and belief in my H and my strong belief in the sanctity of marriage and monogamy are all but gone too. Sometimes, like you said Dana, I get glimpses of them...but I just can't...
I just had a phone conversation with H, something about taxes, there was a problem, he was trying to explain it to me, I could sense his frustration, now normally I would feed on that and start to get frustrated back-well I let him finish, and very calmly asked him if I could ask a question...I did, it was something he had not thought about before-and was a legitimate question-also may be the answer..it's up to the IRS, anyway, the old me would have reacted totally differently and gotten frustrated back at him. Another case in point, we are planning a party for his parents in June, the 16th, a Saturday. Now, I have looked at the calendar a few times, I KNOW the date is Saturday the 16th. He corrected me the other day and said 'no, that Saturday is the 15th'....he was SO adament about it that I let it go and just said, 'oh, OK', well whatever the date is, THAT is the day.
Today he admitted to me that he was incorrect and that it WAS the 16th. He asked why I didn't pursue that when I knew I was right. I just said, what's the point? You were getting aggitated and I just let it go. He was actually speechless for a brief minute (we were on the phone).
Dana, do you find yourself not wanting to be 'the person you used to be'...because, after all, THAT is the person H cheated on, or do you resent him for it? I think I'm somewhere in the middle on that one. Most days I realize that there are some things about myself I don't really like and HAVE changed.
I used to; over react, react initially with anger, be too loud and even overbearing...however, the confidence I used to exude is one of the things H says attracted me to him. He's also told me that he wasn't really 'worried' about me and the kids when he left to work overseas for that year, because I was such a strong person, he 'knew' we'd be OK. So, what, he felt we didn't need him? He says no, that's not it, he felt secure with the knowledge that I'd handle things...because I was strong.
Hm...how things changed. Now whenever he tells me ANYTHING I wait and give NO reaction for a few minutes, usually I wait for him to ask me how I feel about it. This unsettles him...I know it does.
Like you said, we start to get comfortable, things are going well, we're getting along-the way we used to- then I start to feel like "myself" again and it scares me....like I said above, THIS is the person he cheated on...so now who am I?
