I wanted to do a summery of where I am these days, and where I've been, but don't really have time right now so I will just stick to the "today" stuff.
Today I am reasonably happy. My W's affair SEEMS to be over but I still have those nagging moments, like this morning when I asked her to have lunch with me since she had to take her care to get maintinence not more than a mile away from my work and she hesitated, hemmed, hawed and still didn't committ. I asked her (bad DBer!!!) if she had "plans" to be somewhere else and she said no. I said "Ok well it just sounded like you did." The way she said she didn't have plans was of the variety that said "No, I am not seeing OM today, I already told you that is over and I do not see him anymore but I will humor your need for reassurance." between the lines. I know that's a lot to read between the lines but I know that tone she uses when she is trying to comminicate something without actually saying the words. She actually used to use a similar tone when she said "I am going out with friends." when she meant to say "I'm going out with OM."
Anyway, my point is that I still have HUGE trust issues but I mainly keep them to myself. Most of the time I am dead wrong about the "bad" things I think she is up to and just going through the day proves that to me. It doesn't help much the next time, but...
Breaking news...I am not handling this very well. W's seatbelt is stuck and she can't get to her appointment and she blamed me saying I did something to her car last night when I drove it. I got defensive and we argued a bit. She is extremely agitated and taking it out on me. I did not get upset but I did tell her I didn't appreciate her blaming me right away for something that may not have been my doing. She canceled her appointment and says she's just going to stay home. She said she's not going to stress over something she has no control over. I told her she DID have control over it, that she could call the repair shop and ask them how to get it un-stuck. At that point, she abruptly said "Let me call you back" and hung up on me. WTH? I know part of why I got defensive is because I already had it in my head that she really didn't want to take her car in for whatever reason and was looking for a way out, then she calls with this. I believe her but like I said, that nagging thing won't go away.
So now she seems not to be talking to me, and part of me understands why, but part of me thinks I didn't deserve to be talked to the way she did and was right to call her on it. I don't know anymore. This is probably the biggest argument/disagreement we have had in awhile. I want to think I am doing better at this but this time I failed.
I just talked to her again and it got worse. She said she got it fixed and so I said "ok, you can still make your appointment" and she said no, she wasn't going to go now. She didn't want to rush down there and then just sit for a couple hours waiting to be seen. I tried to tell her that it wasn't like that at this place (I used to be the one to take her car in since it was right next to my work) and she would still be out of there in no time. The more I said, the more upset she got, even at one point saying "blah, blah, blah like a child." I tried to remain even tempered but in the end, could not stop myself from trying to get her to understand that I was just trying to help. At one point, when she was complaining about having to wait, I reminded her of all the times I waited for her car to be fixed and that she just needed to get it done. Of course, she didn't like being reminded of that and just issues a short, sarcastic "I'm sorry."
I DID validate her frustration but I guess I should have stopped there. All my "help" was unwanted and I should have realized that before I got all defensive and pushed her about still going.
In the end she just said she was in a really bad mood from rushing to get ready and then not being able to go, and that she was in no mood to go now. She basically hung up on me at that point.
I want to call her back but I know that's the wrong thing to do. It would have been what I did in the past but if I do it now, she'll blow up on me again. I will just let her cool down and hopefully get over this.
Of course, the nagging in the back of my mind tells me that it's VERY interesting how she managed to get the thing un-stuck and actually already be out at the corner store by our house when I managed to talk to her last time. Then she gets irate at me for suggesting that she still should go. Again, my paranoid mind thought this was very strange because she almost NEVER gets like this with me. She was VERY angry and even cursing, something she rarely does, at least to me anyway.
Who knows what's REALLY going on. What's REALLY going on could be that she's pissed about the seat belt, pissed at me for trying to "fix" her situation over the phone and probably because she sensed my "suspicion" and was reacting to that as well. OR, she could be trying to see OM at the gym and is pissed that I kept trying to get her to go get her car fixed instead. Oh, the tangled web I weave.
So I guess it's time for some emergency detachment and I think I really need to make sure that A) I don't call her today and B) That if she tries to talk to me, I apologize for getting defensive and then just leave it at that.
BREAKING NEWS AGAIN...
She just called back, much more calm and asked if I canceled or rescheduled the appointment. I said I had and said I hoped she had a better day from now.
If you go with my paranoid theory, this fits to a T because of course she's "good" now since she got out of the appointment and is on her way to OM, or he's on his way to her. Again, more likely is that she's just calmed down and moving on. I don't like this.
The interesting thing is that all the "bad mood" stuff seemed to start when I asked her to go to lunch. It went downhill from there.
I guess I will leave the first post of the new thread at that and maybe get back to the summary later.
I hate to say it, but I would be surprised if you were wrong. Sure, you probably have the details wrong. But, I'd be surprised if this weren't in someway connected to OM. Her freaking, her anger, and her initial condescending tone would all be well explained by guilt about something.
Put it this way, if she wasn't hiding something, it would be easy for her to be compassionate and offer sincere reassurance.
Yes, you can tell the difference.
Maybe you can ask her about it tonight: "W, wow, what was that about this morning? I was really confused about your anger, and I'm sorry I moved to a defensive position. To be honest, your caginess and reactions to me felt a lot to me like before when you were planning to see OM. What do you think was going on in all of that? I, for one, could really use some direct communication here."
Then again, she may have just gotten in a foul mood because you were suspicious... Feeling helpless and hopeless, that she has forever tainted the love and trust between you. Of course, this would just call for more direct communication in my book...
OT, I am right there with you. That is what I planed on doing tonight. I really think I also need to come out and tell her that I will need these kind of reasurances from time to time, which I don't THINK she will react badly to but I am not really concerned about her reaction.
I did't tell you another thing that would have led you quicker to the conclusion that I was correct in my suspicions. I had to work last night (VERY unusual but unavoidable) and didn't get home until around 12:30am. When I got home she gave me a big hug and seemed in a good mood. We talked about how well S6's birthday party (it was yesterday) went and how good the weekend was. We hugged several times and then I went up to bed around 1:30. She came up soon after but after she got ready for bed, she asked me if I wanted water or anything since she was going back down. I said no thanks. She ended up staying up for another hour listening to her iPod and doing who-knows-what. I went down to check on her at one point and she just said she was fine and would be up soon. It was pretty strange. When she finally did come to bed, she only said she didn't feel well (i.e. she drank too much) and fell asleep. It's almost unheard of for her NOT to talk to me if there is something on her mind that late. It's when all our worst convo's have happened yet she still manages to start them at that time. I was braced for it, but it never came so I just chalked it up to a long, stressful (but fun too) weekend of lots of family, friends and party planning...that was until this morning happened and made me revist last night and wonder what may have been up with her.
To be fair, she had been calling me while I was at work saying that her sister had talked to her about some things that upset her but she said she was just going to "not let it get to her" with real conviction so I believed she was fine. Maybe she really wasn't and for some reason didn't want to talk more about it. Who freaking knows.
OT, again, you're right, I think I need some open communication here, at least from my side and see where things go.
Actually, that background makes me think it less likely that it has anything to do with any current goings on with OM.
I'd think (I told you I make up background stories with the best of them...) her sister called her on the A and lying to you, gave her a hard time all around. Maybe told her she had to be honest with you, etc... Any pressure to really confront herself would indeed make W feel uncomfortable and have a need to avoid you until she can rationalize her past actions again. Is there anyway that her sister knows about OM or at least that you and W were having problems?
I can't believe you didn't ask her about the convo with her sister, lol. *What a man!*
No, I either mis-posted, or you misunderstood. She called me and told me what her sister was talking to her about (or at least she said that's what she talked to her about) and it was business related but the way sis was going about it reminded W of old wounds (sis being the favorite, etc). Anyway, it's pretty mundane family stuff between W, sis and their parents but it gets W upset never-the-less.
When we talked about it, she seemed to be telling me the truth and like I said, she was in an ok, even good mood when I got home and initiated a BIG hug with her little "I like this" noise she makes. I don't really know what happened from there.
BTW, I know sis knows about our problems. I don't THINK she knows about OM but she could. Oh, and that was the other thing that they talked about...SIS's marriage issues and the problems SHE is having with her H right now. Maybe THAT set W off? Who knows.
Si seniorita. I think that's going to be my approach but ONLY if it seems like it's still timely. I think where I really missed the boat on this is not just being direct with her this morning. I don't want to revisit it just to get back into the argument. I want to have a constructive talk with her and like I said, bringing in up 12 hours later MAY be more of the "holding it in" that I always do. I COULD very easily just asked her straight up (I was not emotional so didn't need to cool down or anything) what was going on this morning but instead I chose to hold it in and in turn, got defensive over NOTHING, i.e. a stuck seat belt... that somehow turned to represent everything evil in the known universe for about 15 minutes, lol.
I may just want to let this one go and make DAMN sure that I just speak my mind AT THE TIME the next time something like this happens instead of all the angry stuff stemming from not doing so.
It will either be another lesson learned or a good talk tonight (and it WILL be good no matter how SHE reacts because I will be direct and honest) I don't know which yet.
I didn't know you were capable of such few words in a post
Ok, so the new thing to add to today's story is that W seems to be unavailable on her phone since the last time I talked to her. Strange. This hasn't happened in a long time. She actually goes out of her way to "check in" with me throughout the day by calling for basically nothing every once and awhile. Now I get radio silence for several hours. BTW, I need her to drop a CD off a the lab for me which is why I called. I did leave a message but I also asked her to call me when she got it. That was over 2 hours ago, much longer than she's gone in the past several weeks without returning a call. Damn I hate this. I hate having these thoughts and no amount of "directness" is going to fix this, only time will...oh, and her actually NOT seeing OM.
